Some Predictions for 2018

Hey everyone, we are just over 2 weeks in 2018 and as such I’ve been thinking about this year is headed, both personally and in other areas. That got me thinking about things I think might happen pop culture-wise this year. Some of this may turn out to be just wishful thinking, but here are just a few things I think might happen in 2018. Let me know if you agree or disagree with my predictions in the comments. Here are some of predictions for 2018 in no particular order

 

Rey and/or Kylo Ren will appear in Soul Calibur VI: Soul Calibur VI was announced last year for a 2018 release nearly 6 years after the last game which came out in 2012, well before Rey and Kylo Ren were introduced onto the  Star Wars scene. Soul Calibur already has a history of featuring Star Wars characters having featured Darth Vader, Yoda, and Vader’s Apprentice(from the Force Unleashed games) in Soul Calibur IV. While no Star Wars characters appeared in Soul Calibur V I could see the inclusion of Rey and Kylo for Soul Calibur VI even if it’s as DLC

Star Wars Episode IX Gets a title and it starts with an “Re” word:

With Episode IX coming out in May of 2019 instead of December I think we’ll see some announcements and teases for the conclusion to the Sequel Trilogy in the second half of this year, one of them being the title. If we follow the pattern set forth by the two previous third installments I think it will begin with an “Re” word, perhaps Resurrection. Then again The Last Jedi kind of broke the trend with Empire Strikes Back and Attack of the Clones, so we shall see

A collection of the original Spyro trilogy will be released: The Crash N. Sane Trilogy seemed to be a pretty decent success last year and I think perhaps that will convince Sony to release a collection of the first 3 Spyro games

We will see another 90s revival: Reviving 90s sitcoms seems to be pretty popular lately with shows like Fuller House and the upcoming Roseanne revival and I think we will see that trend continue in 2018. I’m partly hoping for a Seinfeld reunion, but I feel like Home Improvement will be the next 90s sitcom to make a return

The Fantastic Four and Guardians of the Galaxy will both return: The Fantastic Four was last seen in 2015 after the events of Secret War and the cancellation of their ongoing series and Guardians just ended their series with issue #150, but I think we will probably see both teams return by the end of the year most likely in the wake of whatever big event Marvel is leading to this summer. I think we’ll also see a slight change to the rosters of both teams with the Fantastic Four becoming the Fantastic Five with Franklin Richards officially becoming part of the team and I think the newly resurrected original Wolverine will end up becoming a Guardian as Earth has too many Wolverines already.

A Shortened Season 14 will be Supernatural’s last: As much as I love Supernatural I feel like it is getting a little long in the tooth and I think a final season needs to be planned out so the long-running show can get a proper send-off. I think a shortened season will allow for a more focused final season and also pave way for whatever spin-off the CW develops to come in as it’s midseason replacement.

Arrested Development Season 5 will be better than Season 4, but not as good as the original series: I’m a huge fan of Arrested Development(in case you can’t tell by my blog title) and this prediction is more based on opinion than fact, but after the weird format of Season 4 I think we’ll see a more back-to-basics Season 5(my guess is it will be released this summer. Maybe August) in 2018 that will still be good, but won’t quite be able to capture the magic of the first 3 seasons.

A New Mortal Kombat game will be announced:  There seems to be a new fighting game every two years from NetherRelm Studios, alternating between the Mortal Kombat and Injustice franchises and since Injustice 2 came out last year in 2017 I think we’ll see an announcement for a new Mortal Kombat game to be released in 2019. It will either be a continuation of the franchise or perhaps a sequel to Mortal Kombat vs DC Universe.

 

What do you guys think of my predictions? Do you have some of your own?

 

Currently:

Watching(TV): Knights of Prosperity, X-files

Reading(Books):  And Another Thing… by Eoin Colfer

Reading(Comics): Sweet Tooth

Playing:  DC Universe Online

 

Latest Comedy Video: Here’s my first stand-up comedy set of 2018

 

That does it for me. As always thanks for reading and any and all comments are welcome and appreciated.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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6 Properties I Would Like to See Telltale Games Adapt next

Founded in 2004 Telltale Games has since emerged as a juggernaut in the choose-your-own-adventure video game market with episodic adaptions of everything from Game of Thrones and Walking Dead to the most recent Batman and Guardians of the Galaxy series. With their continued success in adapting these franchises here are some other franchises, I would like to see adapted to Telltale’s signature formula.

SUPERNATURAL

Supernatural is still going strong even into Season 13 and since Telltale already adapted both Walking Dead and Game of Thrones it wouldn’t be too much of a stretch to do Supernatural. I would like to see the Telltale series go back to the earlier seasons offering an untold tale from early in the Winchesters’ career. I would also like to see the return of both Bobby Singer and John Winchester for this one as well as appearances by Castiel and Crowley. Then again maybe an original story featuring a separate pair of hunters might be cool too.

X-FILES

If Telltale is going to adapt Supernatural they might as well adapt the series that inspired it and many other serialized fantasy shows. With Season Eleven currently airing now would be a good time to release a Telltale series. Like Supernatural I think they should go with a lost episodes approach and go back to the earlier days of the series.  I think a series of standalone monster-of-the-week episodes would be the best approach, perhaps with a little be of an overarching story arc, but I would stay away from the shows overall mythology arc and save that for TV.

SUPERMAN

So far the two seasons of Telltale’s adaption of Batman have gone really well so I would love to see what they could do with Batman’s less-exciting(for me at least) counterpart. Like the Batman series I don’t think a Superman series would have to be tied to established comic continuity and could offer a different take on the Last Son of Krypton. Who knows, if a Superman game does well it could pave the way for a Wonder Woman series and maybe even Justice League.

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES

With Guardians of the Galaxy, Telltale has proven they are able to adapt a more light-hearted team property and I would like to see that continued with everyone’s favorite reptiles: the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I would love to see an art style similar to Guardians with perhaps a little more cartoony feel to it. Like the Guardians of the Galaxy Telltale series I would keep the focus on the leader, Leonardo, with the chance to play as the other turtles. Shredder would probably be the main villain with appearances by other TMNT rogues.

ONE PIECE

This is probably the least know property on this list, but I think the adventures of Luffy and his pirate crew are worthy of a Telltale adaption. The main focus of the series would probably be Luffy with plenty of room for his crewmates also. An anime-inspired art style would be cool to see along with an original story.

SCOOBY DOO

This is probably the least likely adaption on this list, but wouldn’t it be fun to solve mysteries with the Mystery, Inc gang?

Those are my picks for some Telltale adaptions I would like to see. What are some of your picks?

Currently:

Watching(TV): Reaper(Season 1), X-files(Season 11)

Watching(movies): Star Wars

Reading(books): Mostly Harmless by Douglas Adams

Reading(comics): Sweet Tooth

Playing: Star Wars Battlefront II

What are you currently Watching, Reading, Playing?

 

That does it for me. As always thanks for reading and any and all comments are welcome and appreciated.

 

 

A Brief History of Santa Claus, Incorporated: Chapter 24

Previous Chapters:

Prologue

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

 

Chapter 24: The Replacements

It was the day after Christmas 3152 and the Santa Council had gathered one last time. San’s immortality spell was starting to wear pretty thin and the potency of San’s Wonderful Anti-aging Cream had decreased significantly so they all looked pretty haggard.

They had all gathered in the toy shop to watch the android Santas[1], that were to be their replacements, roll of the assembly line.

Jack Frost had come up with the idea when the demand for toys became too much for the current crew. Since expanding to Mars Santa Claus, Inc had also expanded to Uranus, Pluto and even outside your solar system and the workload had become too much. The elves had already been replaced by machines, but now it was time for all the Santas to retire. They had chosen Spencer Chang, a descendant of Scott Chang to run the day to day operation and he would pass it on to his kid when he grew too old and so forth[2]

The Santas watched with detached interest as the Robo-Santas came fully formed off the assembly line, greeting them with a robotic chorus of “Ho, Ho, Ho”

“They need something,” Claus said quietly.

“Like what?” Ta asked.

“I don’t know,” Claus replied.

Suddenly a bright light filled the room as I descended from the heavens and spoke, “They need some Christmas spirit.”

Everyone in the room jumped at my arrival.

“Do not be afraid. I am Tobias, the Christmas Angel.”

“The Christmas Angel?” San asked skeptically

“Yes, after I accidentally sent San, Ta, Claus, and Martin invitations to Jesus’ birth…” Everyone turned to him in surprise. He simply shrugged.

“…God assigned me the task of look over you and helping you in your mission to give children gifts on Jesus’ birthday.”

“Then how come we have never met you before?” San asked

“After my mistake, God turned me into a star and I only had enough energy to give myself physical form once, but I have been watching over you since the beginning.” San gave me a suspicious look but said nothing.

“Alright then help us,” Claus said.

“Alright, I have just enough energy to give all these replacements Santas the Christmas spirit before I become a star again,” I explained

“Then do it,” San exclaimed impatiently.

And so I did and as I drifted away back towards the heavens I saw the Robo-Santas light up with life and their cheeks grow rosy-red.”

That is my story, long, but true of Santa Claus, who was not just one man, but many men (and women, and elves, and wizards) working together to give children presents on Christmas, that most sacred of holidays. I hoped you enjoyed my account of the Santa myth and to all a Merry Christmas and a wonderful night

 

Tobias, the Christmas Angel

 

Footnotes
[1] Modeled after the android Matilda and made to look like the traditional version of Santa Claus.
[2] San no longer had the juice to give anyone immortality.

 

Well that does it for this Christmas adventure. I hope you guys all enjoyed it and thanks for reading. I wish everyone a happy new year and see you in 2018

Tim

A Brief History of Santa Claus, Incorporated: Chapter 23

Previous Chapters:

Prologue

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

 

Chapter 23: The Forgotten Wiseperson

So far, I have only mentioned three wise men: San, Ta, and Claus, but there was originally supposed to be four.

While Michael, Gabriel, and Raphael’s invitations all went to the wrong parties so did Lucifer’s, God’s rebellious prodigal son. Odds are Lucifer wouldn’t have made it to Jesus’ birthday, but God wanted to include him anyway.

The invitation that was meant for Lucifer actually went to a Martian named Margaret.  Margaret took one look at the invitation he had been given to him by a phoenix, who simply coughed up a lung and died instead of disintegrating into a neat pile of ashes[1]and promptly threw it in the garbage, telling herself, wisely, that it was too long of a trip.

Centuries past. Margaret and the Martian race lived peacefully alone on the planet Mars, keeping their existence hidden from mankind and whatever probes they sent.[2]

The Martian seclusion lasted until the mid-22nd Century when humans became bored with the moon and decided to explore the next nearest heavenly body and so an expedition, led by Colonel Hamas B. Wellington, was mounted for the planet Mars.

The Martians were not particularly happy to see Wellington’s ship, The Gigantic[3] but decided to greet them anyways.

The Martian council, which Margaret was a part of, were there when the USS Gigantic landed on their surface with three fingers raised[4]

As Colonel Wellington stepped out of his spaceship the Martian Council nodded in greeting. The leader of the council, Margaret’s uncle Dax, who had learned to speak English from watching earth television programs said, “Welcome to Mars Earthlings.”

A surprised Colonel Wellington pulled his gun, aiming it squarely at Dax.

“There is no need to your weapons here,” Dax said soothingly as he used his mental powers to melt Wellington’s gun, causing it to pool on the Martian soil

Wellington watched wide-eyed as his gun became a simple liquid puddle. He stared wide-eyed at Dax and the other Martian. Dax approached him and put a comforting hand on his shoulder.

“Do not be afraid. We do not wish you harm, perhaps we can discuss things at George’s Tavern[5] “Dax said. Wellington looked at the Martian skeptically but nodded in agreement.

The two leaders proceeded to George’s Tavern where they then got plastered and discussed a peace between their people. They eventually settled on a treaty that was written up by Margaret, who had the most beautiful handwriting in all of Mars and signed in the semen of both of the signers[6]

The Martians agreed to share Mars with the humans. The humans could build cities aboveground while the Martians would continue to live in their underground cities. In return the human agreed to stay out of Martian affairs and not to mate with Martians[7]

 

And so, a peace was accorded between the two races, which was good for them, but not so good for Santa Claus, Incorporated.

The colonization of Mars and the revelation that there was indeed life on Mars presented a huge problem for them. How would they get toys to Mars? Constructing another space-sleigh would take too many resources and it was too far to teleport toys even if they found a suitable Santa. After much discussion, they decided to skip Mars altogether.

While this was a sound business decision, the Martians, who had heard about Santa Claus from the Earth settlers, were not happy about this.

After many years of this, Dax finally called an emergency meeting of the Martian Council.

“We need to do something about this Santa situation. Our kids have grown unhappy and keep asking if Santa is going to come this year.” Dax announced as he called the meeting to order, quieting the council

“What if we kidnap Santa?” suggested Balthazar, Margaret’s older brother[8], which sent a murmur through the council chamber.

Margaret, who had never said anything in a council meeting and was only on the council because of her uncle, cleared her throat and began to speak, “Perhaps we could go talk to this Santa Claus, he seems like a reasonable man.” The murmuring died down and the entire Martian council stared at Margaret, surprised at her sudden outburst.

Dax contemplated Margaret’s words, rubbing his cheeks in thought. “You may be right my niece. Maybe we should send you as an emissary to this Santa Claus. If that doesn’t work then we will go with Balthazar’s plan”

 

Margaret landed her ship not far from Claus’ new state-of-the-art ice palace which was breathtaking in both its size and the way it lit up in the winter sunlight.

This must be the place,” She thought to herself as she tentatively approached the front entrance and rapped rapidly and nervously on the door. The door swooshed open and revealed an android duplicate of Matilda[9]

“Hello, how may I help you?” The robot asked pleasantly[10]

“I am here to see Santa Claus.”

“Right this way,” Robo-Matilda said as she led Margaret up the stairs to Claus’ office.

She knocked on the door, opened it and announced: “You have a visitor Mr. Claus.”

“Thank you, Matilda,”   called Claus, whose voice had succumbed to the raspiness of old age despite the anti-aging cream and the immortality spell,

Margaret entered the office. Claus spun around in his chair, taking Margaret by surprise. He expected the typical Santa Claus that the humans had been described to her and her fellow Martians and instead he got a short elf with white hair.

“You’re Santa Claus?” Margaret asked.

“Well, I’m one of them,” Claus answered

“What?” Martian asked

Claus sighed with annoyance. “Never mind, just tell me what you want.”

“I am Margaret. I am a member of the Martian Council and I have been sent here to convince you to come to Mars. If you do not agree then you will be taken by force.”

“Whoa, hold-up. No need for that. I’m sure we can come up with some sort of agreement.”

“I hope so because my brother won’t be as nice as me.”

“Ok, Ok.” Claus thought for a long second, “Have you ever thought about just creating your own Santa?”

“No, I guess not.”

“Why not?”

“The idea just never came up.”

“What about you?”

“What about me?”

‘What if we train you to be the Santa for Mars and supply you with your own workshop and sleigh so you can do it.”

“Me?”

“Why not?”

Margaret thought about this, rubbing her cheeks. “I guess that would work.”

“Good. It’s a deal then.” Claus said proudly as he got up to shake Margaret’s hand.

 

Footnotes
[1] The trip through space had been hard on the Phoenix.
[2] This was easy as Martians live in vast underground cities.
[3] Which was misnomer has it wasn’t all that big
[4] The typical Martian greeting.
[5] A different one than earlier, but owned by the same George who had been abducted by Martians centuries early and had even settled down with a Martian wife and had Martian/Human kids. He had also attempted to run for governor of Mars but lost by a large margin.
[6] A Martian tradition. The origin is unknown.
[7] This rule was quickly broken, by human and Martian alike.
[8] He would have received the invitation to Jesus birth if he had been home instead of Margaret
[9] The original had committed suicide many years ago, blaming each member of Santa Claus Incorporated, particularly Claus, in her note.
[10] Claus had made the wise decision not to program the robot with Matilda’s personality.

A Brief History of Santa Claus, Incorporated: Chapter 22

Previous Chapters:

Prologue

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22: Santa on the Moon

 

Early in the 21st century[1] man landed on the moon for the 7th time[2]

It wasn’t one of the usual suspects like the United States, Russian, China or even North Korea, to land on the moon, but the French, who had been secretly creating a space program while all the other nations were fighting WWIII[3]. The French almost immediately gave up the moon to Germany who had also been secretly developing a space program and wanted to annex the moon in the name of their new Fuhrer, an Austrian named Schwarzenegger.

What followed was almost a full decade of strive over possession of the moon, until a rare mineral that could solve all of Earth’s energy problems was found and the nations of the world agreed on a peace treaty so they could mine the moon for this mineral known as Anusium.

Soon the moon was peppered with mines and mining villages, which soon turned into small cities to house all the miners and their minors[4] Almost the whole moon[5]was soon covered by a bubble city known as Moon City that had a  population of around a million.

 

The emergence of Moon City proved to be a problem for Santa Claus, Incorporated. They wanted to get toys to all the children of the world[6], but they weren’t sure if the moon technically counted as part of the world and how they would get all the presents there.

They tried a space-sleigh for a couple years, but it required a whole lot of Anusium and it was hard to get in and out of the bubble without being caught[7]

Another problem was that the time spell that they had used since the beginning was not powerful enough to reach the moon, so they brought in Autumn, but it still wasn’t powerful enough. They even had to bring in Summer, much to the chagrin of Winter and Autumn. This seemed to work, but the moon was still a hefty problem for Santa Claus, Inc.

 

Finally, in the year 2132, the Santa council decided to have a meeting to solve their moon problem once and for all.

“We can’t get going like this,” Claus announced as the meeting was called to order.

“What are we supposed to do?” Kris asked.

“We need a Santa for the moon.” Harry Christmas chimed in.

“Even if we do he still has to fly to the moon.” Claus reminded Harry.

“Not necessarily. What if we teleport all the toys to the Santa on the moon and he can deliver them.”

“Does the teleporter work?” Claus asked, turning to Jarvis, the main technology guy

“Yes”

“But we still have a problem with the time spell not being powerful enough.” San piped up.

“I’ve been working on something to help with that,”  Jarvis announced as he stood up and produced a shiny metal orb for everyone to see.

“I call this the time orb. All the wizards have to do is say their time spell into it and we can send it to the Santa on the moon. All they have to do it press this button…” Jarvis paused to indicate a red button on top of the orb. “and he’ll have an instant timestop.”

“Are you sure it will work?” Winter asked.

“I..umm. Haven’t tested it yet, but we’ll see.”

“Well, you better start testing it. In the meantime, I think we better start looking for a new Santa to handle our moon operation.”

“I’ll start looking for suitable candidates,” Hattie announced as she set off to do just that.

 

And so the long and arduous search for a new Santa began. San, Ta, and Claus interviewed 1000s of potential candidates, erasing each of their memories when the found them unsuitable.

The three founders of Santa Claus, Incorporated were about to give up hope when Scott Chang walked through the door.

Scott Chang was a third-generation inhabitant of the moon, his grandfather being one of the original moon miners and his grandmother being a Moon Woman from the tribe of Moonmen on the dark side of the moon.

He strolled into the room with all the fake bravado he could muster, smiling as widely as he could manage.  “I hope I get this job,” He thought to himself.

“Hello gentlemen,” he said simply as he took a seat.

“Why do you want to join Santa Claus, Inc?” Claus asked, getting straight to the point.

“I want the opportunity to make an impact on the world,” Scott lied[8]

“Where do you see yourself in five years?” San asked.

“Delivering kids to all the girls and boys of the moon,” Stephen replied, making direct eye contact with all three of his interviewers and projecting untold amounts of confidence which he didn’t actually have.

“What are you looking for in terms of salary?” Ta asked.

“Nothing really. My grandfather left me enough money to live on. I just need something to keep me occupied.” All the interviewer’s eyes widened at Scott’s answer. All the other interviewees had asked for absorbent fees to join the crew, but here was a man who was willing to do it for free

They leaned in together discussing Stephen in whispers and then turned back to him.

“You’re hired,” Claus announced.

“Great, “Scott replied, holding back his surprise and the smile trying to creep onto his face. “When can I start?”

“Right now,” San replied shoving a bag of toys into Scott’s arms.

 

Footnotes
[1] About 15-20 years from now depending on when you are reading this.
[2] or 1st if you believe the conspiracy theories, which I don’t because I was at the first moon landing.
[3] The North Pole was a neutral country except for one skirmish: The Third Battle of Reindeer Ridge.
[4] Wife  and kids
[5] except for a small part of its dark side where a tribe of Moonmen lived
[6] Which was already a problem for Santa Claus, Inc which now had a Santa for every country including Santo Clos from Mexico, Ded Moroz from Russian, and many others, whose stories maybe be told in the third book A Briefest History of Santa Claus, Incorporated.
[7] In fact, Owen was almost arrested by the Moon Police during one of his Christmas runs.
[8] The truth was he just didn’t want to end up a lifelong miner like his grandfather, father, uncles and brothers and his butch aunt Meredith.

 

 

A Brief History of Santa Claus, Incorporated: Chapter 20

Previous Chapters:

Prologue

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

 

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

 

Chapter 20: The Short-lived Merry Mary Christmas

 

The Evergreen Witch as her acquaintances called her, Evie, as her friends called her, or just plain Witch as her enemies call her[1] sat in her rocking chair made out of the corpse of Pinocchio, distractedly sorting through her mail, tossing aside all envelopes asking her to subscribe to Good Witching, Witch Times, and the ilk.

She was grumbling about the lack of good mail when she came upon a card that announced in large and upper-case letters, “Christmas in July: Harry and Samantha Christmas are proud to proclaim the birth of Mary Elizabeth Christmas on July 4th

Evie checked her calendar and saw that is was the 11, a week after the birth. “Perhaps I should pay this newborn babe a visit.” She cackled to herself as she grabbed her broomstick and set off for Claus’ castle.[2]

 

Harry Christmas, her former lover, had not even thought about her since their month-long fuckfest and had actually blocked out their entire encounter, so needless to say it was a surprise for everyone when Evie, who adopted her previous disguise of Evelyn the red-headed bombshell, arrived at the door of Claus’ castle.

Matilda answered the door with a gruff expression, which grew gruffer upon seeing Evie.[3].

“Hello, Witch” Matilda spat as she glared at Evie.

“Hello Matilda,” Evie said pleasantly. “I am here to see the newborn baby.”

“Is it that time again? when you must sacrifice a baby to keep your immortality.”

“No, that’s not for another couple centuries.”

Matilda eyed Evie suspiciously as Harry walked up behind her staring the guest down with a salacious curiosity.

“Hello,” Harry said cheerfully.

“Harry?”

“Do I know you?” Harry asked.

“You don’t remember our time in the woods?”

“What woods?”

“We fucked for almost a month straight,” Evie persisted

Matilda’s eyes opened wide at this revelation, but Harry only looked puzzled and not at all aroused. He scratched his head.

“I’m still not remembering.”

“It’s probably for the best,” Matilda said as she slammed the door in Evie’s face.

An impotent rage ran through Evie as her magical disguise disintegrated. Her normally green face grew beet-red with rage as steam billowed out of her ears.

“Well, if I cannot see the baby then I will simply put a curse on it,” Evie said barked angrily.

And so Evie spoke a few magic four-letter words and send a bolt of magic into the infant’s Mary’s room.

 

The next morning when Harry and Samantha went to check on their babe they found a widely smiling little girl with one red eye and one green eye.

As the days past they noticed that the smile never left little Mary’s face and while the eyes were easy to hide her constant smile was not.

And little Mary Christmas spend the rest of her days smiling nonstop until at the age of sixteen the strain of constant smiling became too much for her and she died and The Evergreen Witch finally had her revenge. [4]

 

Footnotes
[1] She has far more friends than enemies
[2] Little did Evie know the birth announcement she had received was actually meant for one of Samantha’s friends Everdeen Snitch and had only been mailed to her on accident as seems to be a common occurrence within this tale.
[3] Evie and Matilda had once been sorority sisters at Magic College and things had not ended well between the two after it was discovered that they were both sleeping with the Potions Professor and had both contracted pubic mites from said Professor. They had both been expelled, but the Professor managed to keep his job only because had tenure.
[4] Although she couldn’t enjoy it as she had forgotten to sacrifice her baby and thus died just a few years after cursing Mary Christmas.

 

 

 

A Brief History of Santa Claus, Incorporated: Chapter 21

Previous Chapters:

Prologue

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

 

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

 

Chapter 21: The Distant Cousin

Hattie Sunloom sat impatiently in the office of Ernest Woodruff president of the Polar Bear Cola Company, which unbeknownst to her, and the world at large was actually a subsidiary of Santa Claus, Incorporated[1]

Also unbeknownst to Hattie, she was a distant cousin of the Noel family. It was because of this and her skill as an artist that she was sitting in front of Mr. Woodruff

Mr. Woodruff furrowed his brow as he looked at the artwork Hattie had just handed to him which depicted a short, youngish Santa Claus with pointy ears and a salt and pepper mustache which look remarkably like Claus’ brother Kagel.

“They look very nice, but I’m not a big fan of the elven ears. I was thinking something more in line with Clement Clark Moore’s “A Visit from Saint Nicholas”[2]

“But I hate that poem. Besides, I’m Jewish I don’t even know why I agreed to an assignment for a holiday I don’t even celebrate.”

“Because it can make you lots of money.If you don’t like it we could always give the assignment to your ex-husband Norman Rockwell.”

“No, that won’t be necessary,” Hattie said suddenly, snatching the artwork from Mr. Woodruff.

“I will make up some more artwork right away.” She announced as she gathered up her things and abruptly left the building in a huff.

Woodruff smiled to himself, watching her go. I knew mentioning her ex-husband would be sure to light a fire under her, he thought to himself.

 

That night Hattie worked feverishly on some new artwork, staying up long past a sensible hour as she tossed draft after draft into the trash. Finally, blurry eyed and on the verge of passing out looked at the picture she had just drawn in the dawn sunlight. It was a decent depiction of an old plump Santa with a decent beard raiding someone’s fridge.

That will do,” She thought to herself as she put the final touches on the picture.

She smiled as she looked at her latest creation and whispered, “Norman couldn’t do any better.”

She signed the pictures with her pen name “Haddon Sundbloom” and went into her room where she slumped into bed and visions of Santa drinking Sugar Plum Fairy urine danced around her head.

 

The next morning Hattie went to deliver the picture personally to Mr. Woodruff and went into his office to find he was waiting for her along with Claus, Ta, and San.

Being a normal human Hattie had never seen a giant, a wizard or an elf before and was caught off-guard.

“Who are you?” she asked, aghast.

Everyone looked to Claus who shrugged and began, “We are the founders of Santa Claus, INC and we have come here, partly at the suggestion of your distant cousins the Noels to offer you a job.

“Who are you?” Hattie asked again, still in shock.

Claus let out an annoyed huff and tried to explain, “The person you know as Santa Claus is actually an organization of people and we are its head”

Hattie looked around the room skeptically.  “What?”

Claus sighed exasperatedly “Never mind. We are here because our former head of PR, Clement Clarke Moore, has decided to retire unexpectedly and we need someone to replace him.”

“You mean the guy who wrote the stupid poem?”

“Yes.”

There was a long pause. “Of course, if you don’t want the job we can always ask your ex-husband Norman.”

“That won’t be necessary.” Hattie blurted out, uncertainly shaking Claus’ hand.  “I’ll take the job.”

 

           Footnotes

[1] It was started as a way to make more money to help Santa Claus, INC cover the increasing toymaking costs. In fact, the popular soft drink is purely the urine of sugar plum fairies, bottled and sold to an unsuspecting public. Due to a contractual loophole, the sugar plum fairies were also able to sell their tears to a rival soda company and their semen to yet another rival company. The rapid harvesting of fluid from sugar plum fairies is probably why they are now close to extinction.
[2] Moore’s poem had actually been commissioned and approved by Santa Claus, INC much like pretty much every depiction of Santa, aside from the movie “Santa versus the Martians”