A Brief History of Santa Claus, Incorporated: Chapter 13

Previous Chapters

Prologue

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

 

Chapter 13: The Christmas Demon and his Goat

 

Krampus[1] was not as reformed as Jesus thought him to be.

At the very moment that Simon Peter and Owen were looking for him, he was among a herd of goats on a hillside overlooking Jerusalem, gnawing vigorously on the leg of a female goat while hiding himself with a cloaking spell. The other goats around him trembled with fear a confusion as they heard the loud gnawing sounds and saw the blood spurting from the she-goat but couldn’t see the source

The mischievous demon giggled naughtily as fresh blood dribbled down his chin. Just for fun, he sent a speaking spell towards a male goat, striking him and nearly knocking him down.

“Baah… Happy birthday” the goat bleated, “Why did I just say? I’m a goat. I can’t talk.” This drew the attention of the other goats, who were even more confused.  The goat rambled on incoherently while Krampus snickered.

The goat whose leg Krampus had been gnawing on tried to limp away, but Krampus pounced on it, tearing into the flesh of its back and causing all the other goats, besides the talking one, to flee as he let out a blood-curdling howl

“Holy shit,” the talking goat exclaimed as Krampus’ invisibility spell wore off and his true hideous black form was revealed.  Krampus was small, about the size of an elf, with pure black fur covering his whole body, glowing yellow eyes, large falcon-like talons, sharp teeth stretched into an impish grin, a horn sticking out of his forehead and one out of the back of his neck and a red prehensile tale.

The goat and the demon stared at each other.

Suddenly a bright light flashed, scaring the goats further away, and from it emerged Simon Peter, Owen, and Gabriel, who had been ordered to help Owen and Simon Peter find Krampus by Jesus.

“This day just keeps getting better,” the goat moaned, unenthusiastically going back to munching on some grass.

“Krampus, we bind you and force you to use your dark magic for our benefit.” Owen spoke with conviction and Krampus’ body grew stiff as if some invisible force had taken hold of him.

“What is thy bidding my master,” Krampus asked between clenched teeth.

“I wish you to heal me from my gross deformity,” Owen replied.

Krampus took one look at Owen, almost chuckling. He tried to fight the binding spell but could only feel his body stiffening even more.

“Ok,” He managed to say without opening his mouth, which was clenched tight. He stiffly raised his left hand and a bolt of sprung for it.

The spell struck Owen, but bounced off him and came back to Krampus, who was knocked flat and sprouted a flower at the end of his neck horn.

“What happened?” Owen demanded as he looked down and saw he had not been changed. “Jesus said you could change me.”

“Jesus was wrong[2]I can do nothing for you. Only your creator can reverse the spell.”

“I was afraid of that,” Owen said plainly, hanging his head in defeat.

“Don’t worry you can go back to the North Pole and find Jack Frost,” Simon Peter assured him

“I’ve probably been branded a traitor and a deserter by now,” Owen replied glumly.

“Will you release me? please, “Krampus hissed.

“No,” a soothing, yet strong voice spoke behind them. Owen, Simon Peter, and Gabriel turned around to see Jesus coming up the hill.

The goat, who knew of Jesus bowed and said, “Your majesty. I’m a Yule the talking goat My grandfather, Alfred, was at your birth.”

Jesus looked at the goat with a mix of surprise and curiosity.

“Rise my young goat friend,” he said simply.

Yule rose and went back to grazing while Jesus turned his attention back to Krampus.

“Krampus, you lied to me.”

“I’m a demon. It’s what we do,” Krampus retorted, flicking his tongue at Jesus, which was quite hard as his body was still frozen in place.

“As punishment for your sins, I am sending you to the North Pole with Owen and Simon Peter.”

“No, please. I will reform.” Krampus begged in his most pitiful voice[3]

“You will become a member of Santa Claus, Inc. and help deliver presents on my birthday every year until time immemorial or you will be destroyed.”

Krampus opened his mouth to protest, but when he caught Jesus’ steadfast and unflinching gaze he simply nodded in obedience.

“Furthermore you must take this unholy goat you have given the ability to speak with you.”

Yule looked up from his chewing and shrugged, or at least the goat version of shrugging which is just tilting their head back.

“But master, why must I go to the North Pole?” Simon Peter asked.

“My plan will become clear in time, but for now just know that I need a representative in Santa Claus, Inc.”

“Ok,” Simon Peter conceded, “But it will be a long journey to The North Pole”

“Gabriel will transport you there,” Jesus replied, shooting Gabriel a commanding look

“Yes holy savior,” Gabriel replied out loud while whispering under his breath, “Spoiled little brat” In a flash Simon Peter, Owen, Krampus and Yule were taken from the mountain and transported thousands of miles away to the North Pole.

 

The group landed right in the center of Claus’ office as the members of Santa Claus, Inc: San, Ta, Claus, Jarvis, Loblaw, Rudolph, Winter, Sinter, Jack and Jane Frost, and Frosty, were having their weekly meeting.

“What is the meaning of this?” San demanded as he looked over the motley crew.

“The Savior of all Mankind Jesus Christ has requested you allow Simon Peter, his chief apostle, Yule, the talking goat and Krampus, the demon into your ranks and that you repair the hideous form of Owen the snowman.”

The members of Santa Claus, Inc just looked blankly at Gabriel and his charges. After a long pause, Ta stood up.

“We gladly obey the Messiah’s request,” Ta said softly, bowing to the angel.

“Good,” Gabriel replied before vanishing

Simon Peter stepped forward, offering his hand.

I am Simon Peter, son of Hezekela of Jubilee, who died of disease before I was born, brother of Andrew, and apostle to Jesus and these are my companions, Krampus, a most vulgar demon, Yule, a talking goat, and the deformed snowman Owen, and we seek refuge in your humble castle.

Upon hearing the name Hezekela, Sinter’s ears immediately began to perk up, for Hezekela of Jubilee[4]was often the alias he used when picking up women. As he looked at Simon Peter he could see a slight resemblance. “I say let them stay,” He said quickly, curious if this could be his son.

“I second that,” Ta interjected.

San looked to all the rest of the members who nodded in affirmation.

“Alright, but Jack Frost has to turn Owen back to normal.”

“Wait a minute, “exclaimed Frosty, “Owen is a deserter and a coward, he should be court-martialed and imprisoned.”

“That was 20 years ago Frosty and you won that battle,” Jack Frost cut in

“So?”

“He is my creation and he deserves to not be disfigured just because I messed up on my first try. I have learned a lot of magic since then and I think I can reverse the effects.

“Reparo Vivis Nir” Jack Frost shouted as he shot a bolt of magic and Owen. The snowman was lifted from the ground and enshrouded in a cocoon of magic energy. When the energy cocoon came back to the ground and Owen stepped out, he was no longer disfigured, but looked remarkably similar to Frosty.

“Thank you father,” Owen cried as he hugged Jack Frost.

“Welcome new members,” Ta said welcomingly as space was made for the band of misfits around the table.

 

Footnotes
[1] His true name was Rumpelstiltskin. Krampus is one of his many aliases. He was also the genie Aladdin freed from the lamp, which ended up working better for Krampus than Aladdin, who ended up dying alone and poor right after freeing Krampus once and for all.
[2] Twice in one day for the son of God.
[3] Demons are notoriously adverse to cold climates as they normally live in the fiery depths of hell. That’s why they prefer to hang out in deserts.
[4] A fictional town that was a common hometown Sinter used.

 

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A Brief History of Santa Claus, Incorporated: Chapter 12

Previous Chapters

Prologue

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

 

Chapter 12: Black Peter, the apostle

            Owen arrived in the city of Jerusalem[1] with high hopes and a spell that was given to him by a wizard to keep him from melting.[2]

, “Can anyone tell me where I can find Jesus of Nazareth,” he pleaded as he wandered around Jerusalem. The Jerusalemites just ignored him, trying their best to avoid eye contact with the malformed snowman as they scurried away.

Finally, an elderly woman took pity on him and replied, “He was crucified two days ago.”

“Really?” Owen’s face drooped even more in defeat.

“Yes,” the women replied sorrowfully, her voice cracking slightly. Owen thought he could see some tears in her

“Ok,” Owen said grimly as he started to sulk away[3]

“Wait,” the woman called and Owen turned back towards her. She looked him dead in the eyes, not shirking away in terror like her fellow pedestrians. “It is said he will rise from the grave tomorrow. Perhaps if you stay at his tomb tonight in the morning he will rise from his tomb and will see you there.”

“Where is this tomb?” Owen asked, a slight hint of hope entering his voice.

“Here, I shall draw you a map.” The woman replied warmly as she took a piece of paper from her robe and drew a makeshift map and handed it to Owen.

“Thank you, I will not forget your kindness,” Owen said as he took the map the best he could in his pine tree arm. The woman helped him, nestling it snuggly in between two of his branches.

“I am always willing to help those in need, “the woman replied with a timid smile. “Good luck.”

“Thank you,” Owen replied and attempted a hug. The woman hugged him back awkwardly.

 

Owen arrived at the tomb of Jesus to find that the dearly departed Jesus already had a visitor. A man of average height and build with curly black hair and a short, curled, black beard, dressed in all black was already at the entrance to Jesus’ cave, weeping profusely, his tears wetting his beard.  Owen approached the man tentatively.

The man heard Owen’s footsteps and turned around, startled by Owen’s deformed visage

“Who are you?” The man asked in a shaky voice.

“I am Owen the snowman. I have come to seek the help of Jesus in restoring my hideous form.”

“He cannot help you, for he is dead.”

“But I have heard he will rise from the grave tomorrow and perhaps then he can help.”

“You have more faith in him than I, for I have denied him thrice and I have come to his grave to seek penance.”

“I have heard he is a most forgiving man, so I would not worry.”

“But I am worried. If Jesus were to rise from the grave surely he will strike me down for my betrayal just as he did to Judas by forcing him to hang himself.”

“From what I’ve heard I do not believe Jesus is a vengeful man. Perhaps this Judas simply succumbed to his guilt,” Owen offered. [4]

The man thought on this for a few seconds before replying, “Perhaps you are right. I shall wait here and let Jesus decide my punishment.”

“I shall wait with you and perhaps Jesus will heal me when he returns from death.”

“Perhaps,” the man surmised.

“I am Simon Peter, but people call me ‘Black Peter’,” [5] The man said, offering his hand. He awkwardly withdrew it after seeing Owen’s deformed limbs and offered an apologetic smile.

The snowman and the apostle waited silently at the grave of Jesus all night, eventually falling asleep.[6]

 

They were awakened by a blinding light as the archangel Gabriel[7]descended right before their eyes.”

“Stand back mortals, for I have come to free Jesus from his earthly prison.”

Peter and Owen took a step back as Gabriel grabbed the stone that blocked Jesus’ tomb and rolled it aside. Then, with little enthusiasm, he pulled a trumpet from his robe and gave it one half-hearted blow. “Announcing the resurrection of Jesus Christ, the son of god,” he bellowed with very little gusto.

A bright light, even brighter than Gabriel’s, emitted from the cave and out stepped Jesus, the supposed savior of all mankind.

“Thank you, Gabriel. You may return to heaven.” Jesus said softly, giving the archangel a gentle pat on the shoulder. Gabriel shrugged it off and rolled his eyes as he flew away.

Upon seeing Jesus, Simon Peter broke down like a little girl and ran to the resurrected Messiah, falling down at his feet and wallowing.

“Forgive me, master, for I have denied you,” Simon Peter cried, groveling at Jesus’ feet.

“You are forgiven,” Jesus replied plainly, placing his hand gently on Peter’s shoulder

Simon Peter looked up with tears still streaming down his face and hugged Jesus tightly around the legs.

“Hmm…” Owen cleared his throat, stepping forward and shielding his eyes from Jesus heavenly glowed.

“I am the snowman Owen. I have come to seek your help.”

Jesus looked at Owen sympathetically, smiling warmly.

“I cannot help you man of snow, but I know another who can help you.”

“Who?” Owen asked pleadingly.

“He is a reformed demon who I once cast out of a young boy.”

Simon Peter looked at Jesus in disbelief. “Surely you are not telling the snowman to consort with demons,” he protested

“As I have said he is a reformed demon who is trying to earn his way into heaven. Everyone deserves a second chance just like I have given you.”

“But master…” Peter persisted

“Do not fret my apostle, for I know what I am doing.”

“Where can I find this demon?” Owen asked.

“He is in Jerusalem as we speak, trying to earn penance for his sins by helping the poor.”

“Then I will go see him right away.”  Owen started to walk away, but Jesus held up a hand and stopped him.

“You must go with him,” He said to Simon Peter.

“But I want to stay with you,” Simon Peter insisted.

“You are needed elsewhere,” Jesus replied.

Simon Peter looked pitifully at Jesus, but he only shook his head.

“I shall do whatever you say, master,” Simon Peter relented. He reluctantly let go of Jesus and stood up, ready to follow Owen.

“Before you leave I must tell you the real name of the demon for he may not help you willingly and you can use his real name to bind him.”

“What is his real name?” Owen asked.

“He is called Krampus.”

 

Footnotes
[1] See the last chapter, you nitwits
[2] It actually wasn’t that difficult of a spell. In fact, it was a low-level wizard named Harold Putter who figured it out.
[3] His droopy features really sold it.
[4] Neither one knew that Judas had failed in his attempt to kill himself and was now cursed to walk the earth as the world’s first Vampire, predating that upstart Dracula by about a thousand or so years.
[5] No one knows quite where Simon Peter got the name, Black Peter. Perhaps it was his bleak disposition, or his black hair, or most likely the fact that he was always covered in dirt. It could also be because he always wore black. In fact, it was Peter who started the goth movement. It would just take about 2000 years for it to catch on. He also may have gotten the nickname because his member turned black after sleeping with Shebella, Jezebella’s niece.
[6] A note I should make about Simon Peter before I continue with this narrative, a fact he is not privy to, is that fact that he is actually the son of Sinter the wizard, whom he sired with a human woman. Sinter also was not aware of this having abandoned the woman soon after achieving coitus.
                Jesus, however, knew the nature of Simon Peter’s lineage and probably kept him around so the half wizard part of him would augment his own powers.
[7] Gabriel was still miffed about not getting an invitation to Jesus’ birthday, but had a duty to perform as the Angel of Death, who also deals with resurrections.

A Brief History of Santa, Incorporated: Chapter 11

Previous Chapters

Prologue

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

 

Chapter 11: The Snowman Cousins

 

Just as I promised we will now go back a few years to recount the story of Owen, the abominable snowmen. It is a story of violence, exclusion and trying to find ones place in the world, much like any good story should be,

It all began just before the second Battle of Reindeer Ridge. Jack and Jane Frost were tasked with creating an army of Snowmen, magical monsters made out of snow who were similar to the Golems of Jewish legend, but icier.

Jack though knew he was powerful enough to create the snowmen, but Jane insisted they ask for the help of their uncle Sinter to learn the magic, just the same. For you see, Sinter was an accomplished golem-conjurer, having been one of the first wizards to perfect the form. In fact he created the sentient Golem who we now refer to as Bigfoot or Sasquatch[1]

The Frost Twins and Sinter spent a long night before the Second Battle of Reindeer Ridge building snowmen and giving them life. Sinter did most of life-giving as he was the experienced one, but Jack and Jane t watched and listened closely, soaking in the art of golem-creation.

After he had created twenty or so snowmen, each more brutish and blank-minded than the last, Sinter turned to an engrossed Jane and a bored Jack.

“Why don’t you try making one?” Sinter offered.

“Are you sure?” Jane hesitantly asked.

Sinter simply nodded.

Jane stepped forward to build her snowman, but Jack pushed her aside. “Me first.”

Jack quickly set about sculpting his first creation from snow, using the basic form Sinter had showed them. A displeased Jane watched with her arms folded.

Jack picked two small branches off a nearby pine tree and two mismatched pieces of coal for his eyes. Sinter opened his mouth to warn his nephew, but once he determined that Jack wouldn’t listen anyway he remained quiet.

Finally, after sculpting the body and face, Jack looked at the pile of carrots for a noise to find it had dwindled down to one that had been half-chewed by Sinter’s pet hare, Hoppy[2]and a turnip.

“We’re out of carrots.” Jack said to his uncle.

“It’s ok. Just use the turnip. I’ll go get some carrots for the next snowman.”

Jack shrugged and placed the turnip in the center of the snowman’s face.

“Do you remember the incantation?” Sinter asked.

“Yes,” Jack replied, abruptly.  “Resurectio Nivis Vir”

Jack, Jane, and Sinter took a step back as the magic began to work its effect.

Much like Sinter fear the eyes did not appear be growing uniformly and were still mismatched in size. The face began to droop and pine needles sprouted up out of the bare branches that were the snowman’s arms. Finally, a pair of icy feet grew out of the bottom of the snowman protruding out of his bottom and making him top heavy.

“What’s happening?” Jack asked fearfully.

“The magic must have gone wrong, it happens occasionally.” Sinter casually explained.

“Happy Deathday,” the now-alive abomination slurred from its slanted mouth.

Jack, Jane, and Sinter stared aghast at their creation, unsure what to do, as his face drooped even more.

“What should I do with him?” Jack asked.

“I don’t know. Reverse the spell and try again I guess.”

Jack hesitated, looking sympathetically at his creation.

“I can’t do it,” Jack told his uncle.

“Alright,” Sinter conceded, “But he won’t make a very good soldier.”

“I will fight until death,” The snowman begged, his slur now only slightly noticeable.

“Go join the others,” Sinter ordered and the droopy snowman waddled off on his big feet.

“Wait, what is my name?” The snowman asked.

“Snowmen don’t have names,” Sinter barked. The snowman stared at Sinter with pitiful eyes.

“Fine. Your name is Owen,” Sinter surrendered, naming the snowman after a farmer he had known a long time ago[3]

Satisfied the snowman went off and joined his brethren.

“Ok, now it’s your turn.” Sinter turned to Jane, ignoring her brother.

“What about me?” Jack cried.

“You had your turn,” Sinter replied sternly, pointing to the deformed snowman named Owen who stood with the other snowmen, smiling a crooked smile because he had been given a name. The other snowmen glared at him, because they had not been given a name.

Jack was about to protest but was silenced when Sinter’s face grew even sterner.

“Just watch, maybe you will learn something.”

With a huff, Jack sulked over to the corner to watch his sister at work.

“Are you ready,” Sinter asked, turning back to Jane.

“I guess,” Jane said apprehensively as she set to work building another snowman.

Jane’s snowman proved to be a lot better put together than Jack’s attempt. The coal eyes were the same size and seeing that he had no more suitable carrots Jack tore a button from his jacket and placed it in the center of the snowman’s face. He also withdrew a corncob pipe from his pocket and placed it where the mouth of the snowman should be.

Jane took a step back, admiring his creation.

“It needs one more thing,” She said as he conjured up the hat he had been given by an ex-lover, the magician f Professor Presto[4] She placed the hat on his new creation head saying, “I shall call you Frosty,” before muttering the words, “Resurectio Nivis Vir.”

There must have been some powerful magic in that old silk hat of Professor Presto’s because Frosty immediately sprang to life, more robust, brawny, and bigger than all the other snowmen. “Happy birthday.” He bellowed triumphantly and began to dance a short jig.

“I think we’ve found our General,” Sinter stated proudly as he and Jane looked adoringly at their creation. Jack, with a sour expression, stomped out of the room.

 

#

“Why don’t you lead the way Owen,” Frosty suggested as the snowmen marched towards the reindeer village. Owen looked at questioningly at his cousin who nodded encouragingly.

“Ok,” Owen assented, not confident enough to challenge his younger cousin, General Frosty of the Snowman army.

Owen marched forward his whole body shaking and causing snow to fall off him and onto the ground. His snowman brethren were close behind him while Frosty brought up the rear, brandishing a magic broom he could use to conjure up blizzard, that had been given to him by Winter.[5]

Owen marched forward fearfully, his whole body shaking and causing, even more, snow to fall off him onto the ground.

“Forward, ho.” Frosty shouted.

“I can’t do this,” Owen whispered to himself.

“What soldier?” Frosty demanded.

Owen’s only reply was to suddenly run away from the battlefield, gaining speed as he went up the hill in the direction of the mountains.

“Come back you coward,” Frosty bellowed, but Owen had already been taken over by instinct.

Owen ran until  his cousin’s voice was a distant echo in his ear and then he ran some more. He eventually came upon a cave and that was where he stayed for 5 long years, only venturing out occasionally for food.

He saw no one during that time except for the reindeer Prancer, who wandered into his cave on his way to the West Pole and began mocking him for his appearance and for being a coward. Owen agreed with Prancer, but decided to eat him nonetheless; mostly because he was hungry, but also because Prancer was kind of a jerk.

 

Owen lived a lonely solitary life in that cave until he met Rudolph[6]Who was a true friend to him even if he didn’t live up to his promise of coming back to visit.

Once Rudolph had left Owen left a deep longing to reenter that world and so decided to finally venture out of the cave, but he knew he couldn’t go back to his home. He had been branded a deserter and could never return home.

So he set off for the Himalayas where he lived with a Tibetan monk for a time, but that didn’t last long, so Owen traveled onward, deciding to finally do something about his grotesque appearance.

He visited every wizard, shaman, and magician he could find, but none seemed able to help him. He briefly considered going back to his creator Jack Frost, but just the thought filled him with fear.

And so Owen wandered for years on end, until he heard a rumor of a powerful man, the supposed savior of all mankind, who could heal anyone. He set out to find this man in Jerusalem, the man called Jesus.

 

Footnotes
[1] Sasquatch is actually one of his more competent creations He also created the Jersey Devil and the Missing Link.
[2] Hoppy would later the ability to walk on two legs and talk as well as lay eggs in a magic accident and went on to become the Easter Bunny.
[3] Perhaps in a galaxy far far away, but most likely not.
[4] Professor Presto is not actually a professor, but it helps him pick up chicks, so he likes to pretend he is.  He is also not a very good magician, having only read half of the book “Great Magic for Wannabe Magicians”
[5] Winter had stolen the broom from Belfena, an Italian witch who he had a one-night stand with.
[6] See the previous chapter

A Brief History of Santa Claus, Incorporated: Chapter 10

Previous Chapters

Prologue

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

 

Chapter 10: The Green-nosed Reindeer

By now you probably know Donner, Prancer and all the rest, but you may recall I have not yet delved into the story of the most famous reindeer of all: Randolph[1].

Not long after his defeat at Reindeer Ridge and the forced peace with Santa Claus, INC Donner was ousted as the leader of the reindeer and Prancer took his place, proving to be just as incompetent of a leader as everyone assumed he would be. He tried to run a tight ship, but ended up with the Titanic

Donner, now free of his responsibility to his family and replaced on Claus’ sleigh team by some young upstart named Bernie, decided to do what he had always wanted to do and move to the South Pole where he met a beautiful young South Pole reindeer named Bernadette.

Donner and Bernadette were happy together and soon Bernadette was with child.

As soon as he was heard the good news Donner nearly leaped through the ceiling of his cave with joy.

“Calm down Donner, or you’ll scare the baby,” Bernadette rebuked Donner as he managed to get his antlers out of the ceiling.

“Sorry, I’m just so excited to have a son to carry on my name.” Donner was grinning from ear to ear with excitement.

“How do you know it’s going to be a boy?” Bernadette asked.

“I just have a feeling.”

Sure enough, Donner was right. Seven and a half months later Bernadette gave birth to a son named Randolph. [2]

“Isn’t he beautiful?” Bernadette asked Donner who could only stare at Randolph in awe.

“He’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen,” Donner grinned from ear to ear with fatherly pride.

Suddenly Randolph’s green nose began to grow bright, filling the cave with green light.

“What the hell is that?” Donner demanded, the proud and adoring grin leaving his face

“I knew we should have moved away from the wand factory. The residual magic was bound to affect us somehow.”

Donner hung his head in disappointment, “I know, but the rent was cheap.”

“Our son is a freak because of you,” Tears started to form in Bernadette’s eyes.

“It’s ok, we’ll just cover up his nose,” Donner reassured his wife as he took some mud with his hoof and molded it into a fake nose which he unceremoniously shoved on his son’s glowing nose. “There: good as new. You can’t even see it glow.”

“Yes, but his nose looks huge and grotesque.”

“It’s just a price we will have to pay.”

Bernadette reluctantly nodded in agreement and nuzzled her newborn son.

 

Donner’s deception seemed to work well for a while, until one day when Randolph went outside to play games with all the other South Pole Reindeer fawns.

Bernadette was home tidying the house when Randolph burst in crying, with his nose shining oh-so-bright.

“My fake nose fell off while I was playing with the other reindeer and now they’re calling me names like Light-Bulb Face[3]” Randolph cried as Bernadette tried her best to hug him with her hooves.

Donner came home just in time to witness his son bawling like a little girl in his mother’s hooves

“Why are you bawling like a little girl?” He demanded.

“Because all the other reindeer called me names,” Randolph replied, turning away from his mother, his nose glowing brighter than ever.

Donner jumped back in fright, “What happened to your nose?”

“It fell off.”

. Donner hastily scrapped some dirty of the floor of the cave and made another fake nose and stuck it on Randolph’s face to stop it from shining.

“Go to your room. Your mother and I have to discuss this.” Donner commanded sternly, pointing his hooves in the direction of Randolph’s room. Randolph hung his head in shame and sulked off to his room.

“What are we going to do?” Bernadette asked her husband in a quivering voice once Randolph was out of earshot

“I don’t know, but we certainly can’t let poor Randolph join in any more reindeer games.”

“You’re right, but we can’t just keep him locked away in the cave forever.”

Donner made no reply, rubbing his antlers with his hooves as he contemplated what to do next.  With reluctance, he came up with a suggestion, “What if we moved to the North Pole?”

“But I thought you hated the North Pole and your family up there?”

“I do, but I want Randolph to live a normal life.”

Bernadette just looked at her husband.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I think it is the best course of action.”

Bernadette thought for a second before finally saying “Ok,” with a hesitant sigh.

 

 

And so, Donner and his family packed up their belongings and moved back to the North Pole where they were met with lukewarm reception by his family, who was still mad at him for abandoning them to the incompetent rule of Prancer.

Prancer had proved so inept at being in charge that only a month after he had taken Donner’s place the reindeer had ousted him[4] as well and put Blitzen, the reindeer who thought there was an actual North Pole, in charge. He proved to be an only slightly better leader than Prancer, but he wasn’t a dick about his status, so they decided to keep him for a while.

“Thank god you’re back,” a disheartened Cupid greeted her brother. “We need you, Donner. Things just haven’t been the same without you. Please come back and lead us. We made a huge mistake by replacing you with Prancer.”

Donner tried to hide a gloating grin, but as he looked at the reindeer village and the ramshackle condition it was in he realized his family truly did need him.

“Ok,” Donner replied simply. Upon hearing Donner’s reply all the reindeer shouted out with glee, except for Blitzen who was rather disappointed. Even the members of Santa Claus, Inc. were happy to hear of Donner’s return as Bernie had proved to be an awful replacement.

With his leadership, firmly reestablished Donner and his family settled in at the North Pole.

 

All went well for Donner and his family for a few months until one day when Randolph was taking a walk around Reindeer Lake. He could hear a group of young bucks playing on the lake, using their hooves to skate across it. Donner had warned him never to play any reindeer games, but Randolph, like any young reindeer, just wanted to have fun, so he walked over to the edge of the lake.

“Do you mind if I play?” Randolph asked in his nasally voice.

Among the bucks was a little prick by the name of Fireball who was the son of Prancer and Vixen.

“. No, we wouldn’t want Donner’s precious little son falling and hurt himself.” Fireball sneered.

“I’ll be careful,” Randolph pleaded.

“I said no,” Fireball growled (or whatever the reindeer equivalent of a growl is)

“Come on Fireball, just let him play,” Donnie, one of Fireball’s cronies protested.

Fireball looked around at his other cronies and saw them nodding in agreement,” Fireball relented, stomping the ice angrily.

All the other reindeer watched as Randolph tentatively ventured out onto the ice. His hooves were slippery on the ice and he nearly fell, but he managed to keep himself up.

“Just keep going, it will get easier,” Donnie said encouragingly.

Randolph was edging closer to the other Reindeer, still trying to gaining his footing. Seeing the perfect opportunity, a Fireball charged at Randolph, knocking him down and causing his fake nose to fall off and slide across the ice out of his reach.

“What the hell are you doing?” Donnie scolded Fireball as he and the other reindeer helped Randolph up.

They just as quickly dropped Randolph back down as soon as they saw his shiny nose.

“What the hell is that?”  Donnie asked shakily

“He’s a freak with a green-glowing nose,” Fireball yelled, half grinning.

“No, I’m not.” Randolph cried.

“Yes you are,” Fireball retorted. “Light-bulb face, Light-bulb face…” He began to chant and soon all the other reindeer joined in even Donnie, who did so reluctantly for he had a secret of his own[5]

“Leave me alone,” Randolph whined as he tried his best to run across the ice. He managed to reach the shore and took off running, tears streaming down his face and freezing into icicles and falling into the snow as he fled.

“Stop, that’s where the abominable snowman lives,” Donnie tried to call after him, but Randolph couldn’t hear him over his own sobbing.

 

Whiny little Randolph ran away from the bullies as fast as his hooves would take him.

Eventually, Randolph grew tired and he slowed down to a meager march. He trudged through the snow, his resentment growing with each step. “I’ll show them to laugh at me,” he swore to himself.

The wind began to howl and snow came down heavier and heavier as Randolph found himself in the worst blizzard on record[6]. He forced himself onward, his nose lighting the way.

The blistering winds and frozen temperatures finally became too much for Randolph, who was about to collapse. Through half-closed eyes, he saw an ice cave up ahead and sighed with relief as he headed towards it.

“Thank god,” he said to him as he pushed open the door and tiptoed into the cave

“Hello? Is anyone home?” Randolph called out. There was no reply except for the whistling wind.

Randolph cautiously ventured deeper into the cave, “Hello?” he called out again. Once again there was no reply except for the wind outside and his footsteps on the icy floor of the cave.

A sudden cracking sound drew made Randolph look up towards the ceiling to see it was beginning to crack.

“Oh shit,” he muttered just before the roof collapsed, burying him in an avalanche of snow and ice buried him.

 

Randolph awoke to the warmth of a crackling fire. He tried to stand up, but his legs were weak and he collapsed. His whole body ached and his glowing nose was only a slight glimmer.

“Hello my young reindeer friend,” A boisterous voice bellowed from behind Randolph.

Randolph tried to stand up again, but was still too weak and his wobbly legs couldn’t support him.

“Don’t get up, you need to rest,” the voice said as icy hands draped a blanket over Randolph. “You’re lucky to have survived the avalanche.”

Randolph didn’t bother moving again, but asked, “Who are you?”

“My name is Owen, but you may know me by a different name: The abominable snowman.”

If Randolph had the strength he would have bolted right then for he had heard terrible things about The Abominable Snowman who lived in a cave by himself and ate young reindeer who wandered away from home.

“Please don’t eat me,” Randolph pleaded

Owen let out a hearty chuckle.

“Don’t believe everything you hear,” Owen laughed to himself, “If I wanted to eat you I would have done it already. I’ve only eaten one reindeer and that was because I was about to die of starvation. He was kind of a jerk anyway.[7]

Randolph considered this for a second before replying, “Thank you for saving me.”

“Not a problem. I’m not such a bad guy once you get to know me. I just happen to prefer my space. What brings you to my cave anyway?” Owen asked.

“I got lost in a blizzard and needed shelter. I didn’t think anyone was here because no one answered me.”

“I was probably sleeping. Why were you out in the middle of a blizzard anyway?”

“I was running away from some bullies who were making fun of my nose.”

“Your nose is somewhat peculiar, but that is no reason to make fun of you.”

Randolph gingerly nodded in agreement.

“I’m somewhat like you, outcast because of my appearance.” Owen stated as he stepped into the light of the fire to reveal himself. Randolph gasped in surprise before catching himself.

“Sorry,” Randolph said apologetically.

“It’s ok. I get that a lot.”

The firelight further illuminated Owen, revealing his full figure: His misshapen head which drooped on one side, his coals eyes with one being twice as big as the other, his spindly arms made of pine tree branches, his gigantic feet that protruded out of the bottom of his body, and lastly his nose which was not a carrot, but a turnip.

“It’s alright if you’re frightened. I’m used to that reaction.”

Randolph gave Owen a sympathetic smile.

“Would you like me to tell you my story? Perhaps it will make you feel better by comparison.”

“Sure,” Randolph nodded, wincing in pain at the motion.

And so, Owen began to tell Randolph his story…[8]

 

For three frosty days, Owen nursed Randolph back to health as a powerful wind blew outside and snow continued to fall. On the fourth day, Randolph finally felt better and was able to stand securely on his own four hooves

Owen walked into the room just as Randolph was starting to stand. “I’ve cleared all the debris away from the front entrance,” He announced with half-hearted glee.

“I see you are feeling better, “He said as he watched Randolph shakily stroll around the cave.       “You will probably be leaving soon,” Owen sighed sadly

“Yes,” Randolph gently replied, “But I will be back to visit.”

“No, you won’t.” Owen stated simply

“Yes, I will.” Randolph insisted.

“No, you won’t.” Owen persisted, “But that’s ok. I enjoyed our short few days together and perhaps one day our paths will cross again.”

Randolph made no reply. He just silently walked towards the cave entrance. He stole one look back and called, “I’ll be back.”  Owen shook his head sorrowfully as he watched his new friend leave. [9]

 

Randolph arrived home just in time to miss Donner and his siblings leaving for their annual Christmas Eve trip. The reindeer village was dark and deathly quiet and a heavy fog had settled around it.

He burst into his igloo to find his mother sitting quietly by the fire.

“Mother, I’m home,” Randolph shouted, the light from his nose filling the igloo.

“Randolph, I’m so glad you are home!” Bernadette exclaimed as she ran to hug her son.

“Where’s Papa?” Randolph asked.

“It’s Christmas Eve. He and your aunt and uncles are pulling Claus’ sleigh.”

Randolph’s nose glowed even brighter, practically blinding his poor mother.

“Why must we be slaves to the intruders?” Randolph demanded, overcome with a sudden anger

“Because we lost the war to them,” Bernadette said calmly, avoiding the look of fury in his eyes.

“No more!” He shouted, “We must march to free our oppressed relatives.”

Randolph stormed out of his family’s igloo and ran to the center of Reindeer Village, yelling

“Relatives, brothers, sisters, come out of your igloo’s. We must march to free our imprisoned leaders.”

Randolph’s nose cut through the fog illuminating the faces of all the reindeer would had come out of there igloos to see what the commotion was about.

Among them was Fireball, who sneered at Randolph and jeered, “Look, everyone, it’s the red-nose freak reindeer.” There were a few chuckles from the crowd.

“Please, we must rescue our relatives from the slavery inflicted upon them by Santa Claus, Inc,” Randolph pleaded.

“And why should we do that?” Fireball argued.

“Because if we don’t they will make us pull the sleigh next.”

“So, what?” Fireball retorted.

“Let him speak,” Donnie cut in.

“Let him speak,” another voice chimed in and other reindeer began nodding their heads and inclining their ears to Randolph. Fireball tried to resist, but eventually was worn down by angry looks from those around him and slunk into the shadows.

The crowd went silent, looking at Randolph expectantly.

“Just because they defeated us before doesn’t give them the right to treat us like slaves. I say we march up to Claus’ castle and demand a new treaty right now. Who’s with me?”

There was a long pause before all the reindeer let forth cries of fury and agreement. Randolph was emboldened by the support and began to march through the fog towards Claus castle with the other reindeer, including a reluctant Fireball, in tow. His bright green nose lit the way.

 

While Randolph was marching towards their castle the members of Santa Claus, INC were busy determining how they were going to deliver all the presents that year.

“Its way too foggy out there for us to fly,” Claus said.

“Yes, but we need to deliver those presents tonight or all the kids will be disappointed on Christmas morning,” Ta countered.

“Is there any type of magic you can use to help us?” Ta asked San

“I’m afraid not. Us wizards are trying to conserve our magic of the time spell,” San sighed with defeat.

Ta pounded his chest in frustration. “There must be something we can do?”

At that moment Matilda burst into the room to announce, “The Reindeer are here to see you.”

“The reindeer are down with Jarvis getting hooked up to the sleigh.”

“Not those reindeer,” Matilda replied. She was interrupted by Randolph and his band of protesters pushing past her.

“Who are you?” San asked, looking at Randolph, who appeared to be the leader.

“I am Donner’s son Randolph and I am here to demand you set my father and my aunts and uncles free.”

“Randolph? I’ve heard of you. They say your nose glows, “said Claus. He stared at Randolph’s nose to see that, sure enough, it did light up. As he stared at Randolph’s light-bulb of a nose a light-bulb of his own lit up in his mind.

“Wait a minute. Randolph with your nose so bright, won’t you guide our sleigh today?”

Randolph thought about this for a second. “Only if you agree to a new treaty with the reindeer.”

Claus glanced at San and Ta for guidance, but they both shrugged.

“Ok,” he relented. He stepped forward and shook Randolph’s hoof. A chorus of victorious “yippees” sounded from the gathered reindeer.

And so, a new deal was struck between the Reindeer and Santa Claus, Inc and Randolph went down in Reindeer history.

 

Footnotes

[1] Robert Lewis May may have changed the story slightly when he turned it into a children’s book. Not only did he change Randolph’s name to Rudolph, but he also changed the color of his nose from green to red. No one quite knows why he made these changes.
[2] He was going to be named Donner Jr, but that name was already taken by Donner and Vixen’s illegitimate son.  This son was dead at the time, but Donner didn’t know that as he had not seen Vixen or their son in years. He did send money though.
[3] They would have called him Pinocchio, but he wouldn’t be created by Geppetto for a few hundred years. In fact, Geppetto had applied to be a toymaker for Santa Claus, INC but had been turned down. When magic brought Pinocchio to live he tried to sell him to Santa Claus, INC, but he was turned down once again.
[4] He was exiled to the West Pole, the fabled most western place on Earth, which wasn’t actually real, but just a way to get rid of Prancer.
[5] Which shall not be divulged, mostly because it is not relevant at all. I really just wanted to say it.
[6] Of course, they only started the record after Santa Claus Inc moved up to the North Pole so it was only a few years old.
[7] Unbeknownst to Owen, or Prancer’s family, that reindeer was actually Prancer, who had wandered into Owen’s cave on his way to the West Pole.
[8] Owen’s story will be relayed in Chapter 10, but for now, we will continue to focus on Randolph
[9] Unfortunately, Owen proved to be right and Randolph never did come visit him. Although they did see each other again, and it was decidedly awkward.

 

A Brief History of Santa Claus, Incorporated: Chapter 9

Previous Chapters

Prologue

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

 

 

Chapter 9: The Elf Generals

 

One pinecone General Zuckercorn[1], who had been brought in by his nephew Claus and who was said to be very good, led a small battalion of twenty jet-packed elves on a flight above the Reindeers’ igloo village

Flying to the right and slightly behind Zuckercorn was his daughter and second-in-command, Lizer, who wore a stern face as she flew in silence. Next to her was her husband Jangle as well as his sister Belle and his twin brother Jingle.

“Are you sure about this sir?” Jangle asked in a shaky voice[2], which was mostly from the cold, which he was still getting used to,

Zuckercorn looked back at Jangle with an irritated glare and growled between clenched teeth, “Yes I’m a sure about this like I’ve told you five times already.”
“But sir, we haven’t even scouted the area,” Lizer protested.

Zuckercorn paused for a second to give his daughter a scolding look before responding, “We don’t need to.”

“Alright men, get your weapons ready,” Zuckercorn commanded. A steady hum of electricity crackled through the air as everyone drew their Electro 5000 lightning bolt guns and switched them on as they made their descent into the center of the igloo village, forming a ring around their leader.

“Spread out and look for any signs of life,” Lizer shouted, gesturing for the other soldiers to fan out and standing close behind her father, weapons ready.

“This might be a trap,” Lizer said uneasily, surveying the abandoned village.

“It isn’t a…” The snow beneath their feet stirred as reindeer began to emerge.

“Retreat,” Zuckercorn tried to yell, but it was already too late.

 

 

That night Claus was sleeping all snug in his bed

when he was awakened with dread

as he heard the glass from his bedroom window shatter.

He burst from his bed to see what was a matter,

On the floor of his bedroom, covered in glass and neatly wrapped

was Zuckercorn, who had barely survived being trapped.

With the gag in his mouth, Zuckercorn tried to mutter,

but Claus stopped him so he could clean up the clutter.

As he untied Zuckercorn from the bindings most abhor

he read the note on his chest that said, “This means war.”

 

Early the next day San, Ta, and Claus sat in Claus’ office all staring at Loblaw, Claus’ other nephew, an elf general who had served dutifully in the Elf Goblin War[3]. Sitting next to Loblaw was his brother Jarvis, who wore a quite prickly expression himself.

“We’re sorry to bring you out of retirement,” Claus stated simply, “but we really need your help with the reindeer problem. It’s grown quite prickly.”

“Don’t worry. This is not the first time I have been brought in to replace Uncle Zuckercorn”[4]

. “I already said I can handle things. There is no need to involve my brother. I could have easily taken over for Uncle Zuckercorn”

Loblaw took a long drag from his pipe before responding, “To tell you the truth I was getting bored with retirement. I ‘m glad you called me, but I’m going to need more help if I’m going to defeat the reindeer and rescue Zuckercorn’s soldiers.”

“Not a problem,” San interjected, “We can provide you with as many elves as you need and  Sinter has agreed to let you use his polar bears, Sasha and Mercedes. “

“Also, the elves are working on an army of toy soldiers[5] and Winter and his children are hard at working conjuring up snowmen[6].”

“Good,” Loblaw smiled, ignoring his brother’s heated stare. “this shouldn’t take long at all.”

 

“My father will destroy you.” Lizer screamed at Prancer, who had been given the task of watching the prisoners, mostly to keep him out of the way.

“I don’t think so. We Reindeer are proud warriors and will not let a couple measly elves take our land.”

Just as soon as Prancer got done saying this his brother Dancer sauntered[7] into the prison igloo. “Let the prisoners go,” he said with a defeated sigh.

“What?”

“The battle’s over.”

“Already?”

“Yes, Donner surrendered almost immediately upon seeing the massive army marching towards our village[8]. Not only do they have elves, but they also had Toy Soldiers, and Snowmen and they were led by General Loblaw, who I hear is very good.”

At this news Lizer burst into a fit of maniacal giggling, drawing concerned looks from her fellow prisoners.

“Shut up.” Prancer bellowed, but she continued to giggle even as Prancer begrudgingly released her and her comrades. The laughter even continued as he and Dancer escorted them out of the prison igloo. Prancer stood on his two back legs, using his two front hoofs to cover his ears and drown out the noise. Dancer just politely ignored it, continuing to saunter his way out of the prison igloo.

“What’s a matter with her?” Jingle whispered to his brother, Jangle.

“I don’t know,” Jangle said worriedly.

 

It was with a defeated gait, a disheartened expression, and a sorrowful heart that Donner and his siblings were marched down what would be later referred to as the Trail of Reindeer Tears towards Claus’ castle. Loblaw marched in front with a triumphant smile and a gloating stomp while his second-in-command Lizer, held up the rear, still giggling to herself, but not as severely as she had previously[9] It was still enough to annoy Prancer, who had the displeasure of being next to her, though.

“I should have been in charge,” Prancer whispered to Blitzen, who nodded in agreement. They both held their heads in shame when Donner looked back at them scoldingly.

The members of Santa Claus, INC were already waiting patiently in Claus’ large dining room, around his gigantic round table, as Loblaw forced the Reindeer to sit around the table facing their enemies.

“Welcome Reindeer, I apologize for the violence we just made you endure, but you left us no choice. Sometimes violence is warranted to make some good in the world.” Claus began. Nobody replied.

Claus held up a piece of paper. “I hold in my hand a peace treaty that will grant peace between our two groups if you agree to pull our sleigh every Christmas[10].”  looked Ta and San who nodded their consent

Claus smiled brightly as he slid the paper and a pen across the table to Donner.

“You will get to keep your land,” Claus added.

Donner stared at the treaty for a long moment, rubbing his hooves together hard enough to create sparks.

“How am I supposed to sign this?” He asked defiantly, “I have hooves, not hands.”

“Use your mouth,” Jarvis replied gruffly, getting dangerously close to the reindeer. So close that Donner could smell his peppermint breath.

Donner looked pleadingly around the room, but no one would meet his gaze, especially not his siblings who would probably disown him no matter what he decided to do. After a long pause, he dipped his head and picked the pen up in his teeth, scribbling out an almost illegible signature at the bottom of the document.

 

 

Footnotes
[1] The highest rank in the Elf Army.
[2] It was mostly shaky from the cold, which he had not quite grown accustomed to yet.
[3] The most recent one, has there have been many. Much like elves and gnomes, elves and goblins had been fighting for centuries. The origin of their conflict is actually known and stems from the Elf Prince Legumi walking out on his bride, the Goblin Princess Maranda on their wedding day and leaving her with their goblin/elf child.
[4] it was actually the third time Loblaw had been brought in to replace Zuckercorn. He had been brought in twic3e before to replace Zuckercorn in the field during the Elf Goblin War
[5] They would later become the North Pole Police Force.
[6] Snowmen or Snow Golems, as they are sometimes called, are closely related to the standard Golem of Jewish folklore, except made from snow instead of clay. The tradition of building snowmen was actually derived from legends of Snow Golems past down from generation to generation.
[7] Normally Dancer dances with every step, but he wasn’t quite feeling it at the moment,
[8]   This set a new record for shortest battle in Elven warfare, narrowly beating the Elf/Goblin Battle of Hybras by a full five minutes.
[9] Her condition would later be known as the Victory Giggles, brought on by a sudden and surprising victory. superstar snowballer Yontu experienced them for 30 days after his team unexpectedly won the Snowball championship. Fortunately, Liizer’s case cleared up within a couple hours
[10] The Three Wise Men had decided that “Jesus’ Birthday” was too big of a mouthful so elected to call the day Christmas, from the elven word of Christ’s birth, instead

A Brief History of Santa Claus, Incorporated : Chapter 8

 

Previous Chapters

Prologue

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8: The Chief Reindeer

 

San and Ta filed into Claus’ office, where he was already there waiting for them, stood up from his chair, trying to look as authoritative as he possibly could[1] and cleared his throat.

“I have called this meeting because we have a problem,” Claus began, trying to make eye contact with both San and Ta at the same time.

“We have mastered the time spell thanks to the arrival of Jack and Jane Frost, and Gerald has assured me the workshop is almost finished. But we need some way to get all the toys my relatives are going to make to all the children of the world.

“Sinter has agreed to let us borrow his sled and Sasha and Mercedes to transport the toys, but he can’t deliver them himself as he needs to be here for the time spell,”

“I can deliver the toys,” Ta declared, raising his hand

“No offense, but delivering all the toys by yourself is a big job even for you,” Claus interjected

“Perhaps, but we only have one sled.”

“Yes, but what if we make another one?” Claus asked

“But how will we pull it?”.

Claus pondered this before turning to San. “Can we clone Sasha and Mercedes?” He asked.

“We could try, but it would be very difficult and there could be severe consequences if it fails. I don’t think Sinter will even want to try.”

“Ok, but we need to figure something out.” The three wise men just look at each other in thought.

 

Little did the three wise men know that the solution to their problem was just over the next ridge, living in a village of ill-formed igloos.[2]

Some of you probably think that the reindeer were brought to the North Pole to pull Santa’s sleigh, but that is, in fact, a complete falsity. The reindeer had lived at the North Pole long before Claus and his cohorts had set up shop. In fact, the North Pole was the source of all reindeer, who were all descended from the first two reindeer, Robby and Clarice.

For centuries the reindeer had lived in peace, multiplying at a rate somewhere between rabbits and elves. That is a wizard named Edwin[3], came to the North Pole, looking for a place to get away from the rest of the world.

The Reindeer, who had only heard of wizards in stories told to them by the great reindeer explorer Nancy[4] were somewhat wary of these intruders on their land, but welcomed him with open hooves just the same and even offered them a nice ice cave as a sign of good faith.

That would turn out to be a mistake, however, as Edwin went back south and began telling all his friends about the wondrous North Pole. Soon, due to their hype, the North Pole was overrun with tourists, all clamoring to get their own ice caves and not caring who stood in their way, which was reindeer most of the time. [5]

As the population of Wizards, Elves and Humans increased in the North Pole the reindeer population decreased. Some moved away down South, mostly to Alaska where they were called Caribou for some reason[6], but even more were killed by foreign diseases[7]brought up to the North Pole by the intruders. By the time Santa Claus, INC moved in, the reindeer population had been reduced to a measly tribe of nearly one hundred who lived just over the ridge from them.

 

The leader of the Reindeer was a strong buck by the name of Donner who had inherited the role from his father Dunder, who had been eaten by Sasha and Mercedes during one of their midnight excursions.

. After only a week, as leader of the reindeer tribe, during which is older brother Prancer was openly and vehemently advocating for Donner’s removal and his own ascension to the chief position, Donner had considered just letting Prancer be the leader and migrating south the Jerusalem, which he heard was a great place to live, but he knew he couldn’t disobey his father’s dying wishes that he take over. Besides, he couldn’t leave Prancer, who had been voted Village Idiot seven years in a row, in charge.

As the three wise men were discussing their transportation problem Donner, threatened by Santa Claus, Inc. and their rapid expansion into Reindeer territory, was taking his first decisive action as leader of the reindeer and marching up to Claus’ castle with the Reindeer Council which consisted of his brothers: Dasher, Blitzen, Dancer and the aforementioned Prancer as well as his sisters: Vixen, Cupid and Comet; in tow

The 8 Reindeer approached Claus’ castle with Donner confidently in the lead and Prancer one pace behind him, sneering and giving him a cold and solemn death glare.

They reached the door of Claus’ castle and Donner politely knocked and waited patiently as there was no answer.

“You didn’t do it forcefully enough. Why do you just barge in?” Prancer stepped forward, pushing Donner aside.

“Let me show you.” Prancer raised his hoof to knock, but it was at that precise moment the Matilda came to the door, opening it just as Prancer was about to strike it with his hoof and causing him to tumble into the doorway.

“Can I help you?” Matilda asked, ignoring Prancer.

Donner cleared his throat. “We would like to see the owner of this castle.”

“I’m sorry. He is in a meeting.”

Claus tiny footsteps could be heard coming down the stairs behind Matilda. “It’s ok. I will talk to them.” He called as he descended the stairs and entered the foyer.

“Please come in,” He smiled graciously and gestured for the reindeer to enter. Donner who hesitantly stepped inside, followed hesitantly by his sibling, who all stepped over an embarrassed Prancer.

“What can I help you with?” Claus asked once all the reindeer were inside and Matilda had closed the door, huffing off to her quarters.

All the reindeer looked expectantly at Donner, who with shaky confidence began to speak.

“We are here on the behalf of the reindeer to respectfully ask you to leave.  The workshop you are building infringes upon reindeer land. ”

“. Perhaps I can offer you some money for the land.” Claus reached into his pocket for his checkbook

“We do not want your money. We simply want you to leave.” Donner back straightened and he inched a little bit closer to Claus. Claus could smell the snowgrass on his breath.

Claus backed away slowly, talking in a calm voice, “I’m sorry, but I can’t do that.  We are performing a very important mission up here at the North Pole to deliver presents to all the children of the world. I will gladly pay you for use of the land and even bring presents to the reindeer children if they are good.”

Donner, almost nodded his head in agreement, but Blitzen tapped him on his shoulder and disapprovingly shook his head.

“No deal, you will be hearing from our attorney.” Donner straightened his back even more and clomped his hooves loudly as he turned around and head for the door. The other reindeer watched their leader leave, not sure what to do. After sharing awkward looks, they followed their brother. Claus watched them leave, flabbergasted, but oddly intrigued.

Donner and his siblings marched confidently away from Claus’s castle with Prancer, who had recovered from his earlier embarrassment, bringing up the rear.

“You do realize we don’t have a lawyer right?” Prancer called after Donner

“Yes,” Donner shot Prancer a stern glare, “But it was all I could think of.”

“So, are we going to find a lawyer?” Dancer asked timidly

Donner gave his youngest brother a condescending look. “No, We are going back home to make a plan. It’s time we get rid of these intruders,”

All of his siblings shared concerned looks, except for Prancer who tried to hide his smile of glee and his brother’s potential failure, and Vixen found herself oddly attracted to Donner[8]

 

Claus watched the reindeer march away from the castle window, not hearing the pitter-patter of Jarvis coming down the stairs.

“Who was that?” Jarvis asked, causing Claus to jump.

“It was our neighbors,” Claus replied, absent-mindedly.

“Did they bring us a housewarming gift?”

“I’m afraid not,” Claus continued to watch the reindeer.

“Then what did they want?”

“They wanted us to move.”

“Oh.”

“We better call my uncle Zuckercorn. We may have a fight on our hands. Also, I may have solved our transportation problem.”

 

Footnotes
[1] Which is hard for such a short elf.
[2] It’s hard to build igloos with hooves.
[3] He’s the great-uncle of San, Winter, and Sinter in case you were wondering.
[4] Nancy had been the first reindeer to reach the South Pole, where she settled down and lived among the penguins for many years. On her way back, she encountered Ordock and Merlina, San’s parents who were particularly helpful to her.
[5] Among the tourist were Ordock and Merlina, who inherited Edwin’s ice cave and Claus, who liked the North Pole so much he built a castle there.
[6] No one has quite discovered the origin of the name Caribou, but it may have meant “Stupid Deer” in Inuit.
[7] Chief among these diseases being Magic Pox, which caused massive sores to break out over the victims’ body and turned their eyes to jelly, their nose to honey, and their tongues to peanut butter, which admittedly makes a good sandwich, but it not so great when it’s happening to you.
[8] Don’t worry, she’s adopted

A Brief History of Santa Claus, Incorporated: Chapter 7

Previous Chapters:

Prologue

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7: The Children of Winter

 

The birth of a wizard is a peculiar and beautiful thing. You see, when a man-wizard loves a women-wizard, or is really horny, or wants to shut her up, or even if he wants to get out of jury duty he touches genitals with her. If the love, lust, or desire to have a baby is strong enough in any or all parties[1] then a spark of magic is emitted from their intertwined crotchal regions. If the spark is powerful enough and lasts long enough then a young wizard is conceived.

Once the young wizard is conceived there is a week-long gestating period[2]before the young wizard emerges fully-formed out of its mother’s forehead[3] leaving her with a splitting headache and a new wizard to look after. This was precisely how the twin children of Winter and Autumn, Jack and Jane Frost, were born, just a few days prior to the failed attempt at a time spell.

Jack came first, out of his mother’s forehead and Jane followed soon after, from her stomach[4]. and quickly chose their names from a pre-approved list by the Wizarding Council[5]

Despite her vision being blurry as an aftereffect of the birth[6] Autumn knew right away they were the children of Winter just by looking at them. They both bluish white hair, pointed ears, and blue skin. The first thing Jack did after bursting from his mother and choosing his name was letting out a loud whistle which sent a blustering winter wind throughout Autumn’s small cottage. Meanwhile, Jane waved her hand about, creating snowflakes out of thin air

They looked around the cottage with newborn wonderment until their eyes settled upon his mother whose orange hair glowed in the sunlight and whose yellows eyes were bloodshot from the stress of given birth, to twin nonetheless, so unexpectedly and, of course, the aforementioned birth blindness.

Weakened by the particularly grueling birth Autumn sank into her rocking chair by the fire. Jack kept looking around the cottage, taking in this brand-new world, while Jane continued to make snowflakes, causing quite a mess on Autumn’s magic carpet[7]

I wasn’t much to look at, just a small dinky cottage in the middle of the woods. The walls were mostly bare except for a few pictures of Autumn, her parents, and her brother, Summer.

“Where’s our father?” Jack finally asked after he had gotten his fill of looking at the same crummy old cottage for a couple hours.

“I don’t know,” Autumn grumbled, “He abandoned me right after we touched genitals. I think he said something about going to his ice cave at the South Pole or something.”

Jack thought about this for a second, rubbing his eyes vigorously.

“I’ve always wanted to go to the South Pole…”

“You were only born a couple hours ago,” Autumn reminded her son, “Besides, now that you are here you can help me with the chores.”

“That’s what you have Jane for,” Jack replied, shooting a look towards his sister Jane who was still preoccupied with snowflakes. She scowled and shook her head at him.

“If you’re going then I’m going,” Jane huffed, no longer pulling snowflakes out of thin air.

“No way, I forbid it,” Autumn shouted, but neither Jack nor Jane was listening. They were already out the door and taking off towards the South Pole. Autumn got up and ran after them, but they were already in the air and she was too exhausted to fly after him.

“Goodbye, mother.” Jane Frost called as they flew southward. Jack simply whistled whimsically.

“Good luck,” Autumn called after them bitterly.  She felt her head beginning to throb with the telltale sign of another wizard birth. “Not again,” she breathed as she went back inside.

 

Jack and Jane arrived at the South Pole just as the sun was setting.

“Over there,” Jane said to her brother, pointing to a group of penguins, just about to bed down for the night.

“Has anyone seen my father?” he called as loudly as he could to the penguins, waking some of the older penguins who had already fallen asleep. Jane shook her head in embarrassment.

Most of the Penguins gave them dirty looks and went back to sitting on their eggs, but one named Poppy, who was an oddball amongst the penguin community approached them, intrigued by the wizards in their midst.

“Who’s your father?” Poppy squawked[8]       “I don’t know. our mother never told us.” Jack admitted. He looked to his sister for an answer, but she just shrugged.

Hanging his shoulders in defeat, Jack sat down next to his new penguin buddy. Poppy gently patted his new friend on the shoulder and Jane hesitantly joined in.

Just then, a ball of fresh autumn leaves drifted by Jack, catching his attention. He, Jane and Poppy gazed intently at the ball as it unfurled itself and a disembodied voice said, “Your father’s name is Winter.” The leaves froze and fell to the ground. Jack, Jane, and Poppy looked at each other in puzzlement.

“Do you think that was meant for us?” Jack asked.

“Yeah, I think so,” Jane agreed.

“Cool, now I can find my dad.” A smiled lit up Jack’s face as he stood up once again and shouted, “Has anyone seen Winter?”

The shouting elicited more dirty looks from the penguins, except for one: an especially old and feeble penguin named Danny. He waddled over to Jack and Poppy and announced, “There is a wizard named Winter who lives up at the North Pole,” Perhaps you should try there and stopped bothering all us penguins.”

“I shall go there right away.”

“Don’t you want to sleep,” Poppy asked

“Yeah, I could use a nap.” Jane chimed in.

“No, we have no time to sleep. I must find my father.”  Danny simply shrugged at this and waddled away.

“Ok,” Jane sighed, preparing to follow her brother.

 

“Can I come with you?” Poppy asked, flashing Jack and Jane his best puppy-dog eyes, which on a penguin look ridiculous and not at all cute

Jack and Jane looked at each other. “I suppose,” Jane responded. “Can you fly?” The other penguins laughed at the question.

“Well no, I’m a penguin.”

Jack pondered this for a few seconds, rubbing his eyeballs, before declaring, “Then I shall carry you.”

“Hooray, I finally get to leave this godforsaken place” Poppy shouted as he hopped up and down[9]

“Hop on my back,” Jack bent down and with some effort Poppy hopped on his back.

“I’m Poppy by the way,” Poppy offered his flipper.

“I’m Jack,” Jack tried his best to shake hands with a penguin that was on his back.

“I’m Jane,” Jane said simply.

“Hold on,” Jack ordered as he leaped into the air, holding Poppy tight to his back

“See you suckers later and fuck you, Bobby,” Poppy called as he, Jack, and Jane disappeared over the horizon on the way to the opposite end of the earth.  All the other penguins looked at Bobby, who shrugged. He had no clue why Poppy had singled him out and really Poppy didn’t either, he just had an inexplicable hatred for Bobby.[10]

 

Jack, Jane and their new companion, Poppy, flew northward, crossing deserts, forests, and plains on their way to the Great White North. Occasionally they would stop to eat something or maybe take a short nap, but that was mostly for the benefit of Poppy and Jane as Jack was in a great hurry to get to the North Pole and see his father. He had only known his mother for a couple hours, but he knew he didn’t particularly care for her and hoped his father would be better.

 

After three days of grueling flying Jack, Jane and Poppy reached the North Pole.

“It’s the North Pole!” Jack shouted with glee, stifling a yawn.

Jane began to slowly float down to the snow ground, but her brother, who was exhausted from traveling with Poppy on his back[11] veered into the nearest snowdrift and remained there, sleeping for a whole day before Jane and Poppy were finally able to revive him.

He awoke to the loud clap of Poppy slapping him across the face with his flipper and the stinging pain that came with it.

“Wake up, you good for nothing lazy bones, “Poppy shouted as he tried to awaken the wizard.

Groggily Jack sat up, pushing Poppy off of him.

“How long was I asleep?” He asked

“You were asleep for a whole day.”   Jane said, bitterly.

Why didn’t you wake me?” Jack asked with a hint of anger in his voice. Jane’s only replying was a condescending eye-roll while Poppy dealt him another slap.

Jack leaped to his feet with a carefree whimsy and started walking in the direction he believed his father’s ice cave to be. Poppy waddled after him and Jane shrugged and reluctantly followed.

“Where are you going?” Poppy asked.

“I’m going to my father’s ice cave,” Jack replied.

“Do you even know where it is?”

“That looks like it there.” Jack pointed to a particularly large ice cave and continued to march towards it. Jane reluctantly followed, rolling his eyes once again.

Jack tentatively approached the door, raising his fist to knock. All he could hear was some grunting.

“Hello,” Jack called.

“Just knock,” Jane said wearily.

“Fine.” Jack tentatively knocked on the door, but there was no answer.

“Hello”

“Here, let me do it,” Poppy barked[12], pushing Jack aside

“Open up it there. We are looking for Winter.”

The grunting paused for a second as footsteps approached the door, which opened slightly, revealing an ostrich head which appeared to be attached to a pair of human shoulders.

“What do you want?” the irritated ostrich asked.

“We are looking for the wizard Winter,” Jack announced.

“He’s not here.  His cave is that way.” A gloved hand pointed northward. “Just head directly north.”

“Ok.”

“Now if you excuse me I have an orgy to get back to. Unless… you guys want to join.” It was hard to tell, but the ostrich was looking strictly at Jane.

Jack and Jane shared a confused look as Jane shifted uncomfortably under the ostrich man’s gaze.

Poppy, who did know what an orgy was[13] unlike Jack and Jane, was quick to reply, “No thanks, we’ll just go find Winter,” as he led a still confused Jack and Jane away from the snow hut and the orgy inside.

“What’s an orgy?” Jane asked.

“Never mind.”
“This must be it,” Jack announced as the group came to the doorway of a cave that had a sign that read, Winter’s Cave hanging over it.

“What gave it away?” Poppy asked sarcastically.

“The sign,” Jack replied, failing to pick up on the sarcasm.

Jack, Jane, and Poppy entered the cave cautiously, taking careful steps not to break the already fragile-looking ice.

“Hello,” Jack called out. His voice echoed through the cave, but there was no reply. The trio traveled deeper into the cave.

“We are looking for a wizard named Winter,” Poppy called out, but once again there was no reply. They continued deeper still into the cave, but there was not a creature stirring, not even a snow mouse

“Perhaps he’s not home,” Jane offered.

Jack gave his sister a derisive glare before calling out again. “Hello.”

“He’s not here.” Poppy patted his young friend on the waist (as that was as far as he could reach) “Don’t worry pal. I think I saw a castle up ahead. Perhaps they have seen your father,” He said reassuringly.

, “You’re probably right. Let’s go up there right now and see.”

“Can’t it wait? I’m really hungry.” Poppy protested.

“Yeah, I guess it can. I’m kind of hungry myself, but we don’t have any food.”

“We’ll find something,” Poppy responded optimistically, looking around the ice cave.

At the same time, Jack and Jane both looked down at their friend with toothy grins and nodded in agreement, “Yes we will”

 

An hour later, with fresh penguin meat in their belly, Jack and Jane approached the castle the dear departed Poppy had mentioned.

Jack took the lead, approaching the door and knocking politely. After a brief wait, the door creaked open and Matilda stood in the doorway, her face still white from what she had just witnessed in Claus’ office.

Jack looked at the female dwarf with odd curiosity, but she simply barked at him, “What do you want?

Jack froze up unable to compose a response, but luckily Jane stepped forward, pushing her brother aside

“We were wondering if you knew of a wizard named Winter. He is our father.”

Matilda’s eyes widened. “Oh yes, I know him. He is here this very moment, upstairs. You may go up there if you wish, but I would strongly advise against it.”

“I think I will take the risk,” Jane replied with a happy grin as she entered Claus’ Castle, gesturing for Jack to follow and making their way towards the stairs.

“Don’t say I didn’t warn ya.” Matilda called after him.

 

After a few unintended detours and walking in on Matilda going to the bathroom, Jack and Jane finally managed to find Claus’ office and entered just in time to find San, Winter, and Sinter recovering from their failed time spell.

Their eyes immediately fell upon Winter who they quickly recognized as their father and Jack rushed forward to embrace his father in an unwanted and unwarranted hug.

“Father,” Jack cried with happiness.

“What?” Winter asked, trying to pry Jack off him and looking pleadingly around the room. No one made a move to help him. They just shrugged and wore confused expressions.

“You are our father, Winter.” Jack pointed towards Jane, who stood shyly in the corner “We have come all the way from the South Pole to find you.”

“Why were you at the South Pole? I didn’t have sex with a penguin again did I?”

“No, our mother Autumn sent us there after I was born because she thought you had an ice cave there, but it was actually in the North Pole.” Jack laughed jovially at the mix-up. Everyone else, Winter, in particular, joined in nervously

“So, Autumn had twins, eh?”

“Yep,” Jack hugged his father tight once again. “Come on sis, come hug dad.” He called to Jane, who hesitantly stepped forward and joined her brother and father in a group hug.

“Well since you two are here,” San interjected, “Do you think you can help us with something?”

]Jack and Jane looked at each other for reassurance before Jack replied: “Sure, why not?”

 

 

 

 

Footnotes
[1] More than two wizards can be involved in the creation of another, but it is not recommended.
[2] This often leads to the mother wizards not knowing they are pregnant until the child literally pops out of them
[3] This is actually where Athena got the idea to pop out of Zeus’ head.
[4] Wizard twins are exceptionally rare, but to prevent the mother’s death one of the children comes out of her stomach instead of the forehead.
[5] San had once been a member of the council until he resigned in disgrace after sleeping with the wives of every other member of the council including the wife of the female wizard Penelope.
[6] A condition called birth blindness.
[7] It really did tie the room together too.
[8] Luckily, I speak fluent Penguinese so I can translate)
[9] , Or at least the penguin version of hopping up and down which is more like wobbling back and forth.
[10] Perhaps it was the fact they were twins and had shared the same egg.
[11] Jane had offered to take him for a little bit, but Jack was having none of it.
[12] Something he had learned from his sea lion friend Sammy.
[13] It is a widely known fact that penguins throw the best orgies. In fact, a descendant of Bobby, Poppy’s twin, would later be a consultant on Eyes Wide Shut.