A Brief History of Santa Claus Incorporated: Chapter 19

Previous Chapters:

Prologue

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

 

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

 

Chapter 19: The Wonderful Ms. Claus

 

“I want this place to be spotless,” Claus snapped at his housekeeper, Matilda as he scurried about his castle, making sure everything was in place. Matilda rolled her eyes and grumbled something obscene under her breath.[1]

Harry Christmas stood at the top of the stairs and watched Claus and his flurry of movement with a hint of curiosity.

“What’s going on Claus?” He asked

“My daughter Samantha is coming for a visit.”

“I didn’t know you had a daughter.”

“Yeah, I didn’t find out about her until she was 20 years old. She’s the daughter of a human woman I impregnated. I’ve been writing her for many years, but this is the first time she’s been to the North Pole.”

“How old is she?”

“40, I believe.”

“You don’t know for sure?”

“No…” There was a dainty knock at the door.

“Will you answer the door?” Claus hollered at Matilda, who mumbled something obscene and lumbered towards the door.

Matilda scowled at her employer and brusquely opened the door to reveal Samantha Claus, a slender woman with long jet-black hair, wintry blue eyes, smooth cheeks, a small button nose, and petite ears which came to a slight point. All of which made her look twenty years younger than she actually was[2].

Samantha stood in the doorway wearing a billowing yellow dress which formed an umbrella around her legs and squeezed her torso, causing her to have a stiff posture which seemed to match her stoic expression.

“Hello,” she said curtly, giving Matilda a slight curtsy[3]“My name is Samantha Claus. I am here to see my father Claus.”

Claus gleefully skipped over to the door, pushing Matilda out of the way.

“That will be all, thank you.” He said to Matilda, who went away mumbling something that was both obscene and anti-elvish.

“Thank you,” Samantha called out to Matilda, who gave her a small grin.

“Hello, my darling daughter,” Claus said gently as Samantha bent to his level and they hugged.

Harry watched Claus and his daughter from the top of the stairs with keen interest, He was now in his 60s but still looked like he was still in his twenties thanks to San’s Miraculous Anti-Aging Cream™ and had only a few fleeting romantic encounters since losing his virginity to the Evergreen Witch[4]

Harry tentatively approached the pair, puffing him his chest, sucking in his gut, and putting on a smile of false confidence.

“I am Harry Christmas.” He said, doing a half-hearted bow before taking Samantha’s hand and gently kissing it. “It is a pleasure to meet you, Samantha Claus.” Her gracious smile wavered slightly.

Claus stood with his own awkward smile, shooting Harry a suspicious look.

“Let me give you a tour.” He said to his daughter, starting to lead his father away. As they walked away Harry shot Claus a subtle, yet pleading glance.

With a hesitant sigh, Claus added, “Perhaps Harry can join us.”

“I would be delighted,” Harry said with a courteous smile and another bow.

Samantha smiled politely. “I would like that, but first I must tell you why I am here.”

Claus gave his daughter a puzzled look. “I thought you were here to visit me.”

“Yes, partly. But I am also here to ask for your blessing.”

“My blessing?”

“Yes, a wonderful man by the name of Ebenezer Scrooge, a rich banker, has proposed to me and I have come to get your approval to marry him,” Samantha said stiffly. Harry’s fake plastered smile slowly faded

“I don’t know why you need my approval.”

“It is customary in human culture for the potential bridegroom to ask the father of his future wife for her hand in marriage.”

“Then why hasn’t this Scrooge come to me himself?” Claus asked.

“He is very busy with his banking and since I have never visited you I thought I would ask you myself.”

“Why certainly, you can marry whoever you like.”

Samantha smiled, “Thank you father”

“When are you getting married?” Claus asked.

“In three months and I want you to be there.”

“Of course. In the meantime, you can stay up here and we can get to know each other.”

“I would like that,” Samantha said with a false grin.

Claus smiled brightly as he gestured for his daughter to follow him. Harry tried to sulk away, sensing his advances would not be returned, but Claus stopped him. “Aren’t you coming?” He asked, secretly enjoying torturing Harry, who he had not fully forgiven for his childhood mischief.

“Ok,” Harry acquiesced as he followed Claus and Samantha.

 

Three months past as Samantha grew accustomed to the North Pole and began to loosen up, transforming from the prim and proper lady who had arrived at the North Pole into a mirthful young woman.

She fit in almost everywhere.  She played games with the reindeer, learned to make toys from the elves, learned the art of belly-whopping from Frosty and Owen, and spend time cooking and baking with Maria Noel, who became a close friend and confidant.

Harry let go of his initial romantic interest in Samantha and settled for just being friends and soon they were the best of friends, spending a great amount of time together whenever she wasn’t with her father.

 

Eventually, the time came for Samantha’s departure and adorned in the icy gown Jack Frost had made her she apprehensively entered Maria Noel’s room.

“Goodbye Mrs. Noel,” Samantha said softly.

“Goodbye my dear,” Mrs. Noel replied soothingly, hugging Samantha tight.  Samantha smiled weakly as she returned the hug.

“What is the matter, my dear?” She asked

“Nothing,” Samantha lied.

“You can tell me,” Mrs. Noel assured her.

Samantha stared nervously at Mrs. Noel before finally blurting out, “I think I may be developing feelings for your son Harry.”

Mrs. Noel smiled comfortingly, “It’s ok.”

“But I am betrothed to another man,” Samantha protested

“In my experience, you can love more than one man.”

“But I can’t leave Ebenezer for Harry,” Samantha persisted

“You must do what your heart tells you,” Mrs. Noel replied wisely.

Samantha thought about this, saying nothing.

“Goodbye my dear, I hope you make the right choice.” Mrs. Noel said, a slight tinge of regret entering her voice and a slight tear trickling down her cheek.

“Goodbye Mrs. Noel,” Samantha said softly as she walked out the door on the way to the sleigh that would take her home.

 

A week later, Samantha stared into the loving eyes of Ebenezer Scrooge, a short, skinny man with wispy hair and a pitiful excuse for mutton chops, as he read his vows. Beside him was his best man, Jacob Marley, while her maid of honor Ebenezer’s younger sister Fanny, who was 7 months pregnant with her son Fred, stood next to her.

She smiled stiffly at Ebenezer, who was gushing poetically about his love for her, but it was only a distant hum as all she could think about was her time at the North Pole with Harry.

“I’m sorry, “she said softly and abruptly, interrupting Ebenezer as he compared her to a flower[5]. “I can’t do this.

Everyone in attendance, including Claus, watched in flabbergasted surprise as Samantha hiked up her dress and make a hasty exit from the altar, sprinting down the aisle. Claus followed her, smiling nervously and waving apologetically to everyone they passed.

“What are you doing?” He hissed between clenched teeth.

“I’m following my heart,” Samantha replied simply as she continued her retreat. “Take me back to the North Pole.”

Claus hesitated, but upon looking up at Samantha’s face and seeing his daughter’s pleading eyes, reluctantly nodded his head. Father and daughter retreated from the lavish wedding.

Ebenezer watched his bride leave, a look of shock and disappointment plastered on his face. [6]

 

 

     Footnotes
[1] It was a gnomish curse, so you wouldn’t understand it anyway.
[2] This was mostly due to her elven genetics
[3] It was the most respect she had ever gotten. She had once mistaken Claus bending down to tie his shoe with him bowing to her. It had been one of the best days of his life.
[4] One of them had been with Matilda who became pregnant with a child they gave up and never talked about again.
[5] I believe it was a daisy.
[6] Samantha’s rejection would send him on a path of self-destruction that was only stopped with the help of a visit from his dead friend Jacob Marley and three spirits. The three spirits were actually San, Ta, and Claus in disguise. They had agreed to help Ebenezer has a favor to Samantha. Of course, that is another story.

Advertisements

A Brief History of Santa Claus, Incorporated: Chapter 18

Previous Chapters:

Prologue

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18: The December Baby

On December 13, 1790, nine months, give or take, after Maria’s secret meeting with San she gave birth to a beautiful baby boy named Giorgio Noel III. It was a decidedly normal birth aside from the fact he was delivered in a makeshift igloo hospital by the Elf doctor Jangle[1]

Mr. and Mrs. Noel were overjoyed to welcome the new addition to their family as they both saw him as the saving grace for their marriage [2]

Equally excited about the birth was Kris Kringle, who rightly suspected the baby might be his based on the fact he had been sleeping with Maria around the time of the baby’s conception which happened to coincide with a major recall of unicorn skin condoms[3]

Rumors about the boy’s paternity were quick to make it around the North Pole, most likely begun by San, who was still possibly upset Maria had turned him down at the After Christmas Wrap Party almost a hundred years prior.

Giorgio Noel II, the boy’s namesake, was no fool and knew of the gossip circulating, but simply chose to ignore it. He did this not because of a fear of finding out the baby wasn’t his or because of his love of Maria, but simply because he didn’t particularly want the hassle of a divorce.[4]Giorgio eventually decided he didn’t give one flying fuck[5]about whether or not the baby was his and so became increasingly distant towards his son.

Maria, who had sworn to never end up like her Aunt, was slowly becoming her. The guilt over her affair with Kris, which she continued anyway, forced her to the bottle[6]and she became an almost unbearable drunk.[7]

 

His mother’s drunkenness, his dad’s distance, and the rumors about his parentage had a profound effect on Third, who began acting out at Elven school. First, he told the young elves there was no such thing as Santa Claus, it was just a way of oppressing them. Then he sprayed graffiti all over the school, and at the age of 13 he brought Nymph strippers to school and was promptly expelled. His worse act of defiance, however, was probably changing his name to Harry Christmas and starting a gang of elves called Santa’s Little Unhelpers, who were about as tough as you would think a gang of elves would be.

 

The newly-dubbed Harry soon became too much for his parents and the members of Santa Claus, INC and so he found himself in front an emergency meeting of the Santa Claus council.

Claus cleared his throat, bringing the meeting to order. “Third…” He began.

“My name is Harry,” Harry said defiantly.

Everyone in the room let out an exasperated sigh, except for Maria[8] who let out a sobbing gasp.

“Ok, Harry…” Claus began again reluctantly, “Because of your disruptive behavior and your general Grinch-like[9] attitude the Santa council has decided to take drastic measures. After a vote, we have decided you must leave this castle.”[10]

Harry said nothing just stormed off, his footsteps accompanied by Maria’s sobbing.

 

With nowhere to go Harry wandered the North Pole, looking for a place to stay. He tried the members of his gang, but after his exile, they all grew chicken and decided to drop out of the gang. He tried Winter’s ice cave but found Winter was subletting it to a family of Inuits. He even tried the reindeer village, but all they did was call him names and kick him off their property.

After exhausting all other options Harry wandered into the Evergreen Forest, which had shrunken considerably since Kris Kringle’s visit.

Kris had told him the tale of his time in the woods and the wonderful Master Woodsman who had helped him out, but no matter how hard he looked he could not find the Master Woodsman anywhere[11]

As he wandered the forest, growing cold and lonely, Harry heard soft footsteps behind him and quickly ducked behind a tree. He had heard stories of the Evergreen Bandits, a group of thieves dressed in red and green who robbed unwary trespassers in the Forest and were led by the great-grandson of Robin Hood, Tim Hood.

The footsteps grew closer, cracking the snow beneath them. Harry peeked out from the tree for a second and nearly fainted as the most beautiful woman he had ever seen[12]. walked by, carrying an armload of firewood,

She was dressed in all dark green, with a green cloak[13]hanging over her. She had fiery red hair, large breasts, a great spankable[14] ass that was complimented by form-fitting green tights, and dazzling green eyes. Her face lit up with a radiant smile and her alabaster skin glowed in the moonlight as she marched gracefully through the woods.

Harry stared longingly at the woman as she walked past him and his hiding place and once she was far enough away not to notice him he began stealthily following her, using the trees as cover.

The woman eventually came to a clearing where a small green and white cottage rested majestically between to large Evergreen trees. With a flourish of the woman’s hand, the door opened and she walked in. Harry nervously watched her, shivering with cold and nervousness as he tentatively approached.

He stood, hunched in the window looking in upon her, lighting a fire in her fireplace and removing her cloak, and boots. She sat on a wooden chair and watched the fire.

Harry didn’t know how long we stood in the window watching her, but it seemed like forever[15]

When he could bare the cold and curiosity no more Harry, who was almost overcome with frostbite, approached the door and rapped on it with what little strength he could muster.

As Harry was about the collapse in the doorway the door was opened and the woman stood in the threshold, looking even more beautiful with the fire backlighting her.

“Hello?” The woman said in a voice that was like honey entering Harry’s ears[16]

“Hello, ma’am. My name is Gi… Harry,” Harry stammered, barely able to stand. “And I was wondering if I may sit by your fire for just a brief moment as I am cold and have been wondering the woods all night looking for the Master Woodsman.”

The woman smiled at this, with a slight mischievousness which Harry failed to pick up on.

“Certainly. I am Evelyn and you may stay for as long as you would like.” She beamed brightly at Harry, who almost melted despite the extreme cold. She grabbed him by the arm and led him gingerly inside, sitting him in the chair by the fire.

“So what brings you to the Evergreen Forest?” Evelyn asked.

Harry opened his mouth to answer and before he could stop himself, began to tell Evelyn his life story[17]. Evelyn listened with interested, perking up slightly at the mention of Kris Kringle, but Harry was too entranced by her beauty to notice.

Hours past as Harry relayed his story to an attentive Evelyn and the forest began to grow bright with daylight. A ray of sunlight hit Harry’s face, causing him to pause for a second. He got up, feeling particularly warm

“Thanks for your hospitality, but I think I should be going,” He said politely, smiling weakly.

“You don’t have to leave so soon.” Evelyn crooned.

“I think I should,” Harry replied, moving further towards the door, but Evelyn blocked his way.

“Surely you could stay for breakfast?” Evelyn smiled.

“I don’t…”

Harry words were cut off by Evelyn’s lips enfolding his.

“I guess I could stay,” Harry managed to say when Evelyn allowed him to get some air, but just as quickly they were kissing again.

The next month past in a blur of sex, fairy dust, and elven whiskey for Harry and Evelyn as the days bled into each other.

It was all going well, until one morning when Harry woke up just slightly before Evelyn. He cracked open his eyes and turned over to stare at the radiant creature he had so lovingly ravished three times the night before.

What he saw nearly made his heart stop. Lying in bed next to him was a hideous creature with green pockmarked skin, a crooked hooked nose, horrible pimples all over her face, straw-like brown hair, and morning breath worse than a garbage-eating dragon who ate nothing but year-old used diapers.

Harry bolted out of bed, scrambling away from the horrible creature.

“Who are you?” he demanded, shakily.

The creature opened her bloodshot, red eyes and said, in a raspy putrid voice, “It’s me. Evelyn.”

“You’re not Evelyn.” Harry squeaked out in growing terror

The creature gave Harry a puzzled look before reaching over to her nightstand and picking up the small compact mirror on top of it. She held the mirror up and looked at her own reflection. She almost leaped in fright

“Shit, my glamour spell must have worn off. You want to have a little morning sex?” She asked as she smiled with rotten and decaying teeth. She snapped her fingers and adopted the guise of a completely naked Evelyn once again.  She salaciously approached Harry, grabbing him by the crotch.

Harry felt himself stiffen slightly, but pow picturing sex with the odious creature before him Harry retched, vomiting all over her bed.

“I guess not.” Evelyn cackled slightly.

“If you’ll excuse me, I think I forgot to feed the reindeer,” Harry said, trying to keep down the vomit roiling through his stomach.

Before The Evergreen Witch[18]could reply Harry had dashed out the door and was sprinting as fast as he legs would take him to Claus’ castle.

 

Harry burst through the door of the castle, startling Matilda as he flew up the stairs towards Claus’ office.

Claus, who had been enjoying his private reflection period, nearly fell out of his chair as Harry swept into the room, grabbing Claus pleadingly and looking at him with awestruck eyes.

“Please let me come back,” Harry begged, getting down on his knees and practically tearing off Claus’ sleeve with his vice grip.

Claus looked at Harry with surprise in confusion. “Have you learned your lesson?”

“Yes, god yes,” Harry cried out.

“Will you be good for goodness sake?”

“Yes,” Harry cried.

Claus thought for a second, mostly to torment the obviously traumatized Harry.

“Ok,” Claus relented.

“Thank you,” Harry cried hugging Claus tightly and letting a few manly tears escape his eye.

“You’re welcome,” Claus replied, gently patting Harry on the shoulder, confident that Harry had learned his lesson and wouldn’t be causing any more trouble.

 

Footnotes
[1] Jangle had left the Elf Army and enrolled in Elf Medical School which is much like your own but takes 50 more years.
[2] Mr. Noel even had divorce papers drawn up just before he found out about the baby, but promptly tossed them in the fireplace as soon as he heard the news.
[3] Kris constantly hinted at this fact by calling the child “son” and replying to anyone who asked him (mostly nosy elves he ran into at the market) if he had any children by saying, “None that I know of” and winking not-so-subtly.
[4] His lawyer had died a few days after the child’s birth and he didn’t want to hire a new one. Also, he didn’t want to part with half of the literal mountain of gold he had accumulated which he kept hidden in an underground cave and would occasionally climb it just for fun and then toboggan down it.
[5] Something he would give to one of Pixy Triplets at the After-Christmas Wrap Party the year after Third’s birth.
[6] Mostly of Elven Whiskey, which is particularly potent. In fact, only the magic in her veins prevented Maria from dying every time she drank it.
[7] It became so bad that she even crashed her sleigh on Christmas Eve after getting her reindeer drunk as well and all the other Santas had to stage an intervention and force her into rehab.
[8] Freshly back from rehab.
[9] A term coined after his grandfather Ulrich von Grinch.
[10] Only his own mother and Kris Kringle had voted for him to stay
[11] In fact the Master Woodsman had been put in a nursing home by his kids and the sleighs were now built and repaired by a machine.
[12] Which was not that hard as he hadn’t seen a whole lot of women aside from the Nymph strippers, who were quite honestly second rate as far as Nymph strippers are concerned.
[13] Much like Little Red Riding Hood’s except you know green instead of red. Actually, it was just the same cloak turned green.
[14] A word that sprang to Harry’s mind just that second.
[15] It was really just five minutes.
[16]  In a good, non-sticky way.
[17] The entire 17 years worth.
[18] As you should have guessed she was by now.

 

A Brief History of Santa Claus, Incorporated: Chapter 17

Previous Chapters:

Prologue

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

 

Chapter 17: The Expectant Mother

It had been over three hundred years since Maria Noel and her husband Giorgio had first come to the North Pole and she had not aged a day. [1]

“Can I talk to you?” Maria asked tentatively as she stepped into San’s office.

“Sure, come in.” San replied, looking up from the naughty and nice list on his desk. He gestured for her to sit down and she graciously did so.

Maria fidgeted slightly avoiding eye contact with San “Is there any magical way to determine if I’m pregnant?” She asked nervously.

San looked at her questioningly before responding, “I guess. Have you missed your period?”

“I don’t get my periods anymore.[2]

“Oh yeah. Well, if you aren’t ovulating how can you get pregnant?”

“I don’t know. You’re the magic expert.” Maria retorted

“Ok, Ok, no need to get snippy. I suppose I could check. Let’s see if I can remember the spell.” San thought long, stroking his beard

After a brief second San’s face lit up with recollection. “I think I remember it. Let me try.” San loosened up, cracking his fingers and looked directly at Maria before speaking the words, “Ru Prego?”

Sparks of magic erupted from San’s fingers and struck Maria, making her vomit blue bile all over San’s floor.

“Well, it looks like you pregnant.”

“Rea…” Maria failed to complete the sentence as she once again vomited up blue puke. San shook his head as he watched the spectacle.

“Don’t worry. Matilda will take care of it.” San assured her.

Maria, who was still slightly sick, gave San a scolding look but said nothing.

“Well, you and Giorgio should be excited.”

“Sure,” Maria said, with what little enthusiasm she could muster. San, sensing the lack of enthusiasm gave her a suspicious look, but she looked away, turning red under his inquisitive gaze.

“Is that all? because I really should finish checking this list. I have to check it twice by the end of the day.”

:”Yeah, thanks.” Maria replied as she weakly got up, wipe the vomit off her dress and left San’s office.

As soon as she was out of the door and out of earshot Maria collapsed to her knees, vomiting slightly and beginning to cry.

San emerged from his office to find the regretful Maria. He let out an exasperated sigh as he approached her and gently patted her on the shoulder.

“The kid might be Kris’ right?”

Maria shamefully looked up at San. “How did you know?”

“I’m a wizard. I know everything[3]

“Please don’t tell anyone. I couldn’t help myself[4] Giorgio and I have barely had sex since we came to the North Pole[5]

San just looked at Maria with pity. “Don’t worry, I won’t.”

“I swore I wouldn’t end up like my aunt Mildred[6]” Maria said, more to herself than San, as he buried her face in her hands again.

“Your aunt Mildred?”

“She was cheating on my uncle with his twin brother[7] and when she became pregnant with triplets she wasn’t quite sure who the dad was[8].  Vicious rumors circulated about her for years, with the disappearance of her babies further adding to the fire[9]until eventually, her husband hung himself and Mildred fled Kris Kringle, never to be seen again[10]

‘Me and Kris have been careful. I’ve been using your magic beans[11] and Kris has been using a unicorn skin condom.”

“I’m sure it’s probably Giorgio’s then”

“I guess you’re right” A reassured Maria stood up, drying her eyes and hugging an uncomfortable San[12]

“Thanks, San. I guess I won’t end up like my Aunt Mildred.” Maria smiled, relieved. “I better go tell Giorgio the good news.”

 

 

 

`

Footnotes
[1] This was mostly due to San’s Miraculous Anti-Aging Cream™ which was simply regular cream infused with magic (just don’t tell his competitors that) that had been given to all the Santas. They had also been granted immortality after drinking Dracula’s blood. Don’t worry, it just enough to become immortal, but not enough to become a vampire, except for Krampus who relished being a Demon/Vampire Hybrid
[2] It’s one of the side effects of the anti-aging cream and being immortal.
[3] He had actually intercepted a love letter Kris had written to Maria.
[4] Things do get pretty boring at the North Pole so it best to break up the humdrum with an extramarital affair
[5] It had taken Giorgio a few centuries to forgive Maria for forcing them to move to the North Pole. Also, a side effect of the Anti-aging Cream is reduced libido.
[7] And one drunken night his twin sister.
[8] DNA tests and Maury hadn’t been invented yet.
[9] Many thought she had killed her own children
[10] The twin brother wasn’t particularly fazed by the whole thing, but that was because he was too high and drunk to care. The twin sister had left years before her brother’s suicide to explore her lesbian tendencies
[11] Which makes an excellent birth control pill and also can grow a pretty big beanstalk.
[12] Part of it could have been the vomit still on her dress.

 

A Brief History of Santa Claus, Incorporated: Chapter 16

Previous Chapters:

Prologue 

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

 

Chapter 16: The Reluctant Santa

The years passed and Giorgio and Maria settled down in the town of Kris Kringle. Giorgio desperately wanted to return to his home, the Republic of Genoa, but after the death of her father Maria insisted on staying in Kris Kringle. Giorgio reluctantly agreed and gave up his father’s business to his younger brother Johnny and took over his father-in-law’s position as Baron of Kris Kringle.

For the most part Giorgio and Maria were happy with their lives in Kris Kringle, although Giorgio felt some resentment towards Maria and Maria would think about the young Scott Calvin from time to time.

 

On the night before Christmas the Baron’s castle was quiet, not a creature was stirring except for a mouse named Wyatt.

Giorgio and Maria lay a snug in their bed as footsteps could be heard above their head.

“What’s that?” Maria asked

“I don’t know,” Giorgio replied as he got out of bed. He was full of dread that perhaps it was a robber who had come to take his copper.

“I’ll go check it out,” Giorgio said, headed downstairs.

Giorgio stomped down on each stair as he put on an air of bravery and daring.

He entered the living room to see a figure emerging from the fireplace. He quickly grabbed a nearby broom and rushed at the figure, striking at him repeatedly with the broom.

“Ow,” shouted the figure, “Stop it.” But Giorgio continued to bop him.

Maria appeared on the stairway brandishing a lantern and filling the room with light.

“Scott Calvin?” She asked as she looked at the man who lay bloody and bruised on the floor.

“Actually, my name is Kris Kringle.”

Giorgio looked at Kris, who was ten years older with a long, greying beard and a substantial cookie gut, in confusion

“What the hell are you doing here?” Giorgio demanded as he set the broom down and helped Kris to his feet.

“I was delivering toys to the boys and girls and I decided to stop here.”

“But we don’t have any children.” Maria said sadly[1]

“I know that. I just wanted to visit.” Kris lied[2]

“It’s five in the morning.” Giorgio protested.

“It’s ok. I’m sure he just didn’t realize it was so late.” Maria said softly hiding a grin, because she suspected Kris real purpose. She looked blissfully at Kris and then to Giorgio.

Maybe I married the wrong man, she thought, trying to keep her face expressionless.

Giorgio looked at Maria skeptically, but said nothing.

Kris tried to get up, but Giorgio retrieved his broom and with a grunt of uncontrolled anger struck the intruder.   Kris stumbled to the ground once again. Maria rushed to helped him up, pushing Giorgio aside.

“I’m sorry for disturbing you,” Kris said sincerely. “but I’m afraid I might need your help.” He looked pleadingly at Giorgio.

“Anything,” Maria replied for Giorgio.

“I need you to deliver the rest of my toys and take me back to the North Pole.”

“The North Pole? Are you telling us you are Santa Claus?” Giorgio chuckled slightly

“Well one of them, yes.”

“I don’t believe you,” Giorgio laughed even hard, but quieted down once he received a disapproving look from Maria.

“Check the roof. There will be a sleigh with 5 reindeer.”

“I thought Santa had eight reindeer.”

, “Will you at least check? “Maria asked sternly.

Ok, I’ll check it out,” Giorgio said reluctantly as he threw on his coat and went outside to see for himself.

Sure enough, parked on the roof of the castle was a sleigh with 5 reindeer attached[3]

After slapping and pinching himself to make sure he wasn’t dreaming Giorgio returned inside to the injured Kris and his wife.

“Ok, they’re out there, but that doesn’t prove you are Santa.”

“Will you at least help me?”

“Why should I?” Giorgio retorted angrily.

“Please,” Maria begged

Unable to say no to his wife Giorgio finally said, “Yeah, I guess,” as he went over the Kris and helped him up.

“I only have more toy delivery and then the reindeer can take me back to the North Pole.” Kris explained

“Ok,” Giorgio replied as he led Kris outside.

Once they were outside Giorgio asked, “Can you climb a ladder?”

“No need,” Kris responded as he let out a sharp whistle and the reindeer flew off the roof and landed safely in the snow right in front of Kris and Giorgio.

Maria emerged from the house, dressed head to toe in her winter clothes.

“What are you doing?” Giorgio asked

“I’m coming with you.”

“Out of the question.”

“Please?” Maria begged, shooting him her puppy dog eyes, which had always been his weakness.

“Alright,” Giorgio yielded as Maria climbed in the sleigh. Giorgio helped Kris into the backseat with Maria and a small sack of toys before hopping in the front seat and grabbing the reins.

“How do you start this thing? “Giorgio asked

“Just pull on the reins and say “Ho, Ho, Ho”

Giorgio did just as Kris instructed and the reindeer bolted off towards the next destination.

 

The reindeer flew just a few miles before arriving at The Kris Kringle Orphanage, the last stop on Kris run.

“What now?” Giorgio asked

“I need you to deliver the last few presents.”

“Me? Why can’t you?”

“I’m injured, remember?”

“Ok, Ok, I’ll do it” Giorgio replied grumpily as he got out of the sleigh and grabbed the bag of toys from beside Maria who moved politely out of the way.

Giorgio took the toys and hopped down the chimney.

5 minutes later he emerged from the chimney with an empty sack and a piece of his pant leg torn off.

“You didn’t tell me they had a dog.” Giorgio shouted accusingly at Kris.

“Shh! You’ll wake them up.” Kris whispered

“Sorry. Is that the last of your deliveries?”

“Yes.”

“Good, me and Maria can go home and then your reindeer can take you back to the North Pole.”

“But I want to go to the North Pole,” Maria protested.

Giorgio shot his wife a displeased look, but she responded with her puppy dog eyes, laying them on extra thick.

“Ok, I suppose we could take a short vacation.” Maria hugged her husband tightly. Giorgio smiled as his face was pressed against her breast.

 

Hours later Kris sleigh landed at the North Pole and its trio of passengers were immediately met with a rather upset Claus.

“What is the meaning of this Kris?” He demanded

Kris looked sheepishly at his uncle., “I had no other choice.”

“You can’t bring outsiders to the North Pole, remember what happened when Winter brought that sorority of wood nymph’s up here?”[4]

“This is different. I needed their help to deliver my last toys. This is Maria and her husband Giorgio.” Kris gestured to Maria and Giorgio, who stood stock-still like deer in the headlights.

The Maria?” Claus asked incredulously. He had heard a lot about Maria from Kris as had everyone else at the North Pole because Kris simply wouldn’t shut up about her.

“Yes,” Kris replied blushingly as Giorgio looked between Kris and Maria with a suspicious glare.

“Well, now that they are here they can’t leave,” Claus stated angrily

Giorgio looked at Claus with flabbergasted surprise while Maria tried to hide had the smile of delight on her face.

“Can’t we just erase their memory?” Kris asked

“San lost the spell for that.”

“I can vouch for them. They won’t say anything.”  Kris looked to Maria and Giorgio who nervously nodded

“What if we joined you?” Maria asked suddenly, drawing surprised looks from everyone, especially Giorgio.

“The council would have to vote on it,” Claus informed her.

“That’s ok.”

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Kris asked

“Yes. Life in Kris Kringle has gotten kind of boring. I want something new and exciting.”

“No way, I forbid it.” Giorgio roared.

“Come on honey. It could be fun.”

“What about my position has Baron?”

“Wonky’s son Hilbert[5]could do it. We’ll just send him a message that we are going on an extended vacation.”

Giorgio thought long and hard about this while the others looked at him expectantly

“Please,” Maria begged, looking at him with her puppy dog eyes as she leaned in and gave him a peck on the cheek and then whispered something salacious and naughty in his ear.

Giorgio perked up and his face grew bright red. “Alright, we can stay.”

Maria smiled brightly as Kris let out a subtle grin and Claus appeared indifferent to the whole matter.

“I shall call upon the council at once to vote on your membership,” He announced as he returned to the castle.

 

An hour later Maria and Giorgio stood nervously in front of the Santa council which now included Kris.

“I bring this emergency meeting of the Santa council to order for a special purpose. To vote on the membership of the Noels into our ranks.” Claus announced

“Who are the Noels?” San asked

“We are.” Giorgio replied gruffly from the center of the circle and immediately regretted it when he received a reproaching look from Claus.

“What makes them so special?” Winter asked

“They are my friends.” Kris replied, standing up

“We can’t go hiring all our friends,” Ta protested[6]

“They already know our secret, what’s the harm in letting them in. We need another sleigh driver anyway.” Kris argued. The members of the council all nodded in agreement.

“Let’s vote on it,” Claus said simply, growing tired of the debate. “Everyone who is opposed raise their hand.” The hands of San, Winter, and Krampus all shot up.

“All those in favor?” Everyone else’s hand came up.

“Then it is decided. The Noels will join Santa Claus, Inc”

Maria let out a giggle of delight while Giorgio sighed unenthusiastically. Kris tried to contain his glee as he and Maria shared a furtive glance.

 

 

Footnotes

[1] The fact they couldn’t have children was a major issue in her and Giorgio’s marriage
[2] The truth was Kris, who was now an official Santa, snuck down the chimney of her castle every year and watched Maria sleep like the obsessed creep he was. In fact, it was his second-to-last stop of the night right before the Kris Kringle orphanage, where unknown to Kris is his daughter from a bar-maid he had knocked up a few Christmases earlier now resided.
[3] Kris’ old pal Pepe was the lead reindeer, but the rest are unimportant.
[4] It is a rather funny story, but much too raunchy to retell here. Let’s just say Winter had a really good time
[5] Possibly Kris’s older half-brother
[6]Mostly because he didn’t have any friends outside of Santa Claus, INC.

 

A Brief History of Santa Claus, Incorporated: Chapter 15

Hey everyone. I meant to have all these chapters up by now, but due to a personal illness I was unable to meet that goal, but I’m going to try and make up for lost time and hopefully get the entire series up by the end of the year. I hope you guys have been enjoying the story so far and enjoy the rest.

Tim Miller

 

Previous Chapters:

Prologue

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

 

Chapter 15: The Babe in the woods

Many, many years after his induction into Santa Claus, INC old Saint Nick was taking a walk in the forest to the west of Claus’ castle.

“I’ll never get used to this body,” Nick remarked to himself as he stopped for yet another breath and looked down at his rotund belly with disgust.

“Why did they have to make me so fat?’

Nick’s complaints were interrupted by a strange noise coming from a westerly direction, further into the woods.

“That sounds like a baby crying,” Nick said out loud as he started in the direction of the noise.

Nick followed the noise to its source: a small baby, bundled up in a red and white blanket and lying underneath a large pine tree. Nick looked at the baby in puzzlement and looked around.

“Hello?” Is this your baby?” He called out, but the only answer was the wind whistling through the tree branches

Nick took one last look around, but once he determined no one was around, he bent down and picked up the baby.

“It’s ok little guy, I’ve got you now,” Nick said soothingly as he began to rock it back and forth. The baby’s cries turned into a cooing noise.

“Ho, Ho, Ho,” Nick laughed boisterously, causing the baby to shriek in fear.

“Ok, Ok, I’m sorry. It’s ok.” Claus whispered soothingly as he cradled the baby and began to walk back towards Claus’ castle.

 

“Where did you find this baby?” Claus asked as the last of the Santa Council filed into the grand hall for an emergency meeting Saint Nicholas had called.

“I found him in the woods, underneath a pine tree.”

Krampus shifted nervously in his chair as all eyes in the room fell upon him.

“I didn’t have anything to do with it,” Krampus protested, but the other Santas raised their eyebrows suspiciously.

“Ok, ok, I may have left him there for a snack later.” This received disgusted gasps.

“What? I’m a demon. I eat babies. This one just happened to be a twin and I was too full after the first one, so I put him by the tree to eat later.”[1]  Krampus shirked under the continued scolding looks of disgust.

“Don’t look at me like that. You all know what I do on my vacations.” Everyone reluctantly nodded.

“What are we going to do with him?” Saint Nick asked

“Well I’m not terribly hungry, but I suppose I could eat,” Krampus offered.

“No,” Claus interjected, “I say we find a nice family for him.”

“Uncle…” Jarvis spoke up timidly.

“Yes?” Claus asked, turning to Jarvis.

“What if my and I wife take him?”

“An elf raising a human?” San asked incredulously

“Why not?”

“I don’t know…”

“Come on, what will it hurt?”

“Ok, but if he becomes too much then we will find a human family for him,” Claus consented

“I promise I will take good care of him,” Jarvis said with a giant grin on his face.

“What is the baby’s name Krampus?” Claus asked

“I don’t know, but I snatched him from the town of Kris Kringle.”

“Then we shall call him Kris Kringle.”

 

 

Kris grew up at the North Pole amongst the elf, becoming a strong young man and an excellent toymaker. While he was happy at the North Pole and loved his adoptive parents Jarvis and Lizer[2] there was always a part of him that longed to know where he came from.

One night, not long after his 18th birthday[3]Kris apprehensively entered Claus’ office.

“Come in Kris, have a seat,” Claus said joyously as he looked up from checking the naughty list and gestured for Kris to take a seat.

“Thank you, uncle Claus,” Kris said nervously

“Why are you so nervous?” Claus asked

“I have come to ask a favor.”

“Go ahead name it, you know you can ask me anything.”

“I wish to travel to the town where I was born to find my real parents,” Kris said, avoiding looking directly at his uncle.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes,” Kris replied confidently, looking up at Claus.

“Hmm..” Claus stroked his chin, pondering this.

“Please, I just want to know who they were,” Kris looked at his uncle with pleading eyes

“Very well then. You may go. “Claus finally said after a long pause.

“Thank you, Uncle Claus,” Kris practically shouted as he rose from his seat and hugged the elf, lifting him off his chair.

“I will allow you to take one reindeer and you must go to the Master Woodsman[4] in the Wintergreen Forest and he will make you a flying sleigh for your travel.

“Thank you,” Kris said once again as he left Claus’ office, a lightness to his step/

 

That night Kris, along with his new companion, Pepe the reindeer, found themselves lost in the Evergreen Forest. Kris looked around frantically for the hut of the Woodsman, but he could hardly see in the pitch darkness of the forest. A sudden chill filled the air, causing him and Pepe to shiver incessantly. He pulled to reindeer close to keep them warm and they continued to trudge through the snow.

“Perhaps I should have waited until the morning,” Kris said to Pepe, who only shrugged.

Suddenly a maniacal cackling echoed through the trees surrounding them.

Kris’ eyes widened with fear as he turned to Pepe and asked, “What was that?” Pepe shook his head, his whole body trembling with fear.

Something flashed by Kris and Pepe, causing them to jump in fright.

“Who’s there?” Kris called shakily.

“It is I, the Evergreen Witch,” a raspy and putrid voice screeched, “and you are trespassing on my land.”

“I am dreadfully sorry Ms. Witch,” Kris apologized, “I was only looking for the Master Woodsman”

“Why would you be looking for that old fool,” the voice demanded

“He is to build me a sleigh so I can go visit the town of Kris Kringle”

“You will not make it to Kris Kringle…” The voice snarled, devolving into a bought of lunatic guffaws.

The Evergreen Witch, a stout, hideous creature with green pockmarked skin, a hook nose, a burning red eye, appeared before Kris and Pepe. Hatred radiated off her body and seemed to warm them despite the wintry cold.

“You will pay for trespassing on my property,” she roared as she raised her wand.

Something silver glinted in the moonlight as it flew right over Kris’ shoulder and struck the witch, causing her to drop her wand.

“Begone Witch, this is not your property,” a commanding voice thundered as Kris turned to see a giant man in a robe made of out leaves and reindeer antlers on his head running towards them.

“You may have won this time Master Woodsman, but I shall return,” Evergreen grumbled as she disappeared back into the forest.

The Master Woodsman approached the spot where Evergreen had been and picked up the silver object: a shiny ax.

“Are you the Master Woodsman?” Kris asked

“Yes, I am the Master Woodsman” The man replied

“I am Kris Kringle, Claus sent me to get a sleigh from you so I can go to the town of my birth.”

“Oh yes. Well it is much too late for me to make your sleigh now as I was just about to go to bed, but if you stay the night with me I will make you a sleigh tomorrow morning and you can be on your way.”

“Thank you, sir. I hope I am not intruding on you.”

“Of course not, I welcome guests. I get’s very lonely here in the Evergreen Forest.”[5]

 

And so, Kris and Pepe spend the night in the Master Woodsman’s hut and in the morning, he awakened to find the Master Woodsman had already made his sleigh for him.

“Thank you for everything,” Kris said to The Master Woodsman as he climbed into the sleigh, grabbing the reins that were now connected to Pepe and snapping them.

“Goodbye, my young friend and good luck.” Nok, the Master Woodsman called has Kris’ sleigh took off, head for Kris Kringle.

Kris arrived in the small town of Kris Kringle around sunset the next day, landing in the woods just outside town. He quickly got out of the sleigh, covering it up with nearby branches. “We don’t want someone stealing our ride home.” He said to Pepe.

“Don’t worry. I’ll be back.” He whispered to the reindeer as he tied his reins to a nearby tree “Watch the sleigh for me.”

Pepe laid down on the ground and sulked, awaiting his master’s return.

Kris stepped out of the woods and into town, admiring the small wooden houses and stores all around him and the people hustling and bustling about. Kris had been to a couple human towns before with St. Nicholas, but if was different to see the buildings in the daylight, not to mention the townspeople who were normally sleeping when he and Saint Nicholas came to town.

Kris put on a bright smile and skipped merrily through town. The adults who saw him glared, perhaps angry at Kris for daring to be so joyful, but the children he encountered stared in wonderment and curiosity.

Kris smiled a jolly smile at the children and handed out toys he had made to bring for all the children.

One of the mothers scowled at Kris and reproached him, “What are you doing? Don’t you know that toys are illegal in Kris Kringle”?

“What? By whose authority?” Kris asked

“By order of Baron von Grinch,” The mother said matter-of-factly.

“Where is this Baron von Grinch? I must speak to him immediately.” Kris said.

“He lives in that castle over there,” The woman replied, pointing to a looming castle in the distance.

“I shall speak to him at once.”

“Good, go speak to him and leave us alone” replied the woman grumpily as she hastily ushered her kids away from Kris, forcing them to drop their toys right there on the street.

With a sorrowful wave to the children, Kris set out for the Baron’s castle.

 

He arrived at the Baron’s castle and was stopped at the door by the guards. The Baron’s right-hand man, Heinrich  Wonky, a tall, muscular, but shrewd-looking man was there to greet him.

“State your business with the Baron?”  Wonky ordered

“I am here to speak to him in regards to his ban on toys,” Kris replied

“His ban on toys has already been thoroughly discussed and there is no need for further discussion.”

“Please, I only wish for a moment of his time.”

“Alright, but only a moment” Wonky eyed Kris warily, but ushered him into the Baron’s castle, and lead him before Baron von Grinch, who sat on his throne, gnawing on a drumstick leftover from the evening’s dinner.

“What do you want?” Baron von Grinch bellowed as Kris and Wonky approached. The baron was a disgustingly obese man with balding black hair and small beady little eyes that looked like flecks of coal.

Beside Baron von Grinch stood his daughter Maria, a beautiful woman with shimmering golden hair and dazzling blue eyes that immediately entranced Kris. She looked radiant in her white fur robe and smiled warmly as she served her father another plate of food. Baron von Grinch hastily grabbed the plate, putting his turkey leg down so he could shovel more food into his face

Kris stared up at Maria, grinning softly.  She glanced at him, but averted his, gaze her, cheeks turning rosy red.

“I simply wish to talk to you about the toy ban.” Kris stammered.

“There is nothing to discuss,” Baron von Grinch hollered.

“Father, please hear the man out. I have not seen him before in the village. He must have come a long way.,” Maria said soothingly, giving Kris a faint smile.

“Yes, I have. I have come from the North Pole.”

The Baron let out a snort of derision, “The North Pole? The North Pole? If you come from the North Pole then you probably know jolly old Saint Nick.”

“Yes I do. I know him very well.” Kris replied enthusiastically

“Then you can ask him why I never received the toy duck I wanted for Christmas when I was five.”

“Is that why you banned all toys in Kris Kringle?” Maria asked incredulously, giving her father a disapproving look.

“Yes, If I cannot have the toy I want then neither can the kids of Kris Kringle.”

Kris cleared his throat and looked directly at the Baron.

“If I talk to Saint Nicholas and get you the toy duck then will you lift the ban?” He asked.

The Baron thought about this for a long while, scratching the hair off his already thinning head. “I suppose I will if you can get me that toy duck.” He eventually replied certain Kris could not fulfill his bargain.

“What is your name stranger?” Wonky asked

Kris thought about the answer hard before answering. He knew he couldn’t use the name Kris Kringle so instead, he simply said, “Scott Calvin”

“Return quickly Scott Calvin for I am not a very patient man.” Von Grinch snarled.

“Yes sir,” Kris replied as he gave the Baron a bow and Maria a gentle smile, causing her to blush. Von Grinch watched his daughter with his suspicious, beady, coal eyes, but said nothing.

 

Kris returned to the woods and his sleigh. At the sight of Kris Pepe leaped up, nearly strangling himself on the rope that was tied to him and toppling over in excitement.

. “Easy boy,” Kris helped untangle the rope and smiled at Pepe. “I have only come to retrieve something”

In the sleigh, Kris retrieved the magic snowball he had been given by Winter before leaving the North Pole. It allowed him to speak to anyone at the North Pole. He rubbed it and said, “I wish to talk to Claus.” Within seconds Claus’ face appeared in the snowball.

“Hello, Kris. How are things in Kris Kringle?

“Not very well Uncle Claus. I tried to hand out toys, but I found out the Baron has put a ban on toys.”

“Oh no.”

“Yes, he claims Santa Claus never gave him the toy duck he wanted so now he’s punishing all the other children.”

“What is the name of this Baron?”

“Baron von Grinch.”

From a drawer in his desk, Claus drew out a giant red book and flopped it down on his desk, hard. With a grunt of exertion, he opened the book and began flipping through the pages.

“Ulrich von Grinch?”

“I don’t know. I guess”

“He did ask Santa for a toy duck almost fifty years ago, but the toy was lost. By the time we realized the mistake it was already too late.”

“Can you make another one?”

“Yes, certainly. It should be quite easy to make. I will have it made and San can teleport it to you shortly.”

“Thank you, Uncle Claus.”

Kris sat down to wait by his sleigh with Pepe the reindeer, patting his head. “I guess I’m going to be staying here with you for a little bit.”

Two hours later there was a slight pop and a black toy duck materialized out of thin air with a note pinned to it that said “A very Late Christmas present to Ulrich von Grinch from Santa Claus”

Kris immediately snapped the toy up and giving Pepe, a good luck rub under his chin before setting out at a brisk jog for the Baron’s castle.

 

The Baron was surprised to see Kris return, as was Maria, who gave him a flirtatious smile and shifted nervously, causing the Baron to squint his eyes and glower at Kris.

“Have you brought me my toy?” Baron von Grinch demanded

“Yes,” Kris replied plainly pulling out the duck from the pocket of his jacket and presenting it to the Baron.

A girlish giggle of delight escaped the Baron’s lips and he blushed, embarrassed.

“Wonky?” He bellowed, a little too boisterously to compensate for his girlish giggle.

Wonky appeared right beside the Baron. “Yes, your majesty.”

“Prepare a feast and go to the town and tell the townspeople that the ban on toys has been lifted.”

“Right away sir.” Wonky exited to make arrangements.

“You must feast with us, Scott Calvin.” The Baron said to Kris

“Umm.. I don’t know….” Kris said hesitantly

“Please, it would be a great honor,” Maria interjected, smiling brightly at Kris.

“Ok,” Kris consented, returning Maria’s smile.

“Do you have anywhere to stay?” The Baron asked

“I was going to stay at the local inn,” Kris replied

“Nonsense, you can stay in this castle for as long as you like. You will be our honored guest.”

“Ok,” Kris relented

Maria smiled brightly and the Baron let out a whoop of joy as he scooped the black duck he had been given and looked at it lovingly as if there was nothing else in the world.[6].

 

Kris feasted merrily with the Von Grinchs that night and stayed for a while with them in their castle. He would journey each day to the woods to check on Pepe and the sleigh, but besides that he spent most of his time in at the Castle with Maria, who he would walk with during the day and sit around the fire with at night. He soon forgot about his quest to find his real parents and all his friends at the North Pole.

Finally, one night, Kris found himself sitting alone around the fireplace with Maria after Ulrich and Wonky had gone to bed. As they sat quietly Kris cleared his throat, apprehension apparent on his face in the soft glow of the fire.

“Maria?” Kris began.

“Yes, Scott?”

“I need to tell you something.”

“Yes?”

Kris began to say the words, but as they were about to leave his tongue he leaned in and kissed Maria instead

His lips only met her briefly before grasping nothing but air as Maria withdrew from him.

“I’m sorry Scott. I should have told you, but I’m engaged to be married. My fiancé.is coming here tomorrow and we are to be married in two days.”

“Oh, I think I should go to bed,” Kris said quietly as he got up to leave. He looked back in hopes Maria would stop him, but she just smiled weakly at him.

 

 

The next morning Kris woke early to find the entire house in a state of frenzy.  Wonky and the servants were cleaning vigorously, making sure things looked good for Maria’s fiancé, Giorgio Noel II, the son of a prominent banker in the Republic of Genoa.[7]  while Maria hustled about, supervising everything. As he walked the halls he could hear the Baron singing joyfully in the tub “I love you, my ducky, I love you, my ducky…”

There was a loud knock at the door and Maria started to rush to open it, but Wonky stopped her.

“Allow me, madam,” He said as he marched towards the door, opening it. Giorgio, a tall man with long black hair, light bronze skin, and stunning brown eyes, stood in the doorway. When Kris looked into his eyes he almost fell in love with him himself.

“That’s your fiancé?” he whispered to Maria as Giorgio waltzed into Baron von Grinch’s castle like he owned the place[8]

“Yes,” Maria replied quietly, giving Kris a weak smile with just a hint of sympathy. Kris looked away from her, unable to handle her sympathy.

“You must be Scott Calvin,” Giorgio said warmly as he approached Maria and Kris and offered his hand. “Baron von Grinch has told me a lot about you.”

Kris politely shook Giorgio’s hand. “Maria was just telling me about you.”

“Oh, well it is a pleasure to meet you.”

“You too,” Kris replied weakly as he withdrew from the handshake and sulked off, leaving Giorgio and Maria alone.

 

That night, Kris, who knew he could not watch the woman he loved get married to another man, snuck out of Baron von Grinch’s castle and into the woods were Pepe and his sleigh awaited.

“Hello old friend,” Kris greeted Pepe with a gentle scratch on the chin. “What do you say we go home?” He asked.

Pepe practically flew off right then and there. Unlike Kris, he had not been having the greatest time. Sure he found a few forest deer to hump, but he longed to be back at the North Pole as he wished all the deer could be North Pole deer.

A heartbroken and sad Kris quickly loaded up his sleigh and left the town that was his namesake, never even finding out who his parents were.[9] He smiled sadly as he left, hopeful he might see Maria again someday…

 

 

 

 

 

 

Footnotes

[1] The other twin was a girl and in an alternate timeline, her brother was eaten instead and she began Kristina Kringle. Perhaps her story will be told in the sequel A Briefer History of Santa  Claus, Incorporated
[2] Not long after arriving at the North Pole Lizer had discovered her now ex-husband Jangle in a one-horse open sleigh with her sister Cindy and after divorcing him had married Jarvis., despite them being cousins.
[3] Going by the date he was discovered and not the actual birthdate as that could not be confirmed.
[4] The Master Woodsman was an old friend of Sinter’s who was very adept at making, whose real name is Nok, wooden objects with magical properties. He lives in the woods outside of the Claus’ Mansion and makes all the sleighs.
[5] It was even lonelier for the Master Woodsman now that he had broken up with his girlfriend, a ponderosa pine named Rosie. He had tried to date since then, but the dating pool was very low and the one date he did have, with the Evergreen Witch, had not gone well.
[6] In fact, he had shown more love to the duck than his own wife, which is probably why Maria’s mother left.
[7] Giorgio had even been childhood friends with Christopher Columbus, who had asked him to sail with him to the new world, but Giorgio had politely declined, endeavoring to take over the family business, Noel and Son Banking instead. He had however sent Christopher a celebratory stripper gram when he heard he had discovered the new world, but the stripper died of starvation and scurvy on the way to America. It was the thought that counted at least.
[8] Which he would in a few years after Baron von Grinch’s heart grew three sizes and exploded.
[9] If he would have stayed he would have found out that his mother died during childbirth and his father died not long after. He would have also discovered that Heinrich Wonky was his uncle on his father’s side. Alas, he did not stay so he didn’t learn any of this. It was probably for the best that he never met his parents as his dad would have beat him and his mom would have gotten drunk nightly and told him the family secrets which included the fact he may not be his father’s son, but perhaps Heinrich’s.

A Brief History of Santa Claus, Incorporated: Chapter 14

Previous Chapters:

Prologue

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

 

Chapter 14: The Bishop of Myra

It was almost two weeks before Christmas and Claus had called a meeting, for you see all the members of Santa Claus, Inc had a problem

For almost three hundred years things had been going swimmingly for the Santas, but now the demand for toys was too high. The legend of Santa had spread too far and letters were coming in from all over

They all sat around the round table in the great hall of Claus’ castle[1]San, Ta, Claus, Winter, Sinter, Jack Frost, Jarvis, Loblaw, Randolph, Frosty, Owen, Yule the goat and St. Peter, each with their own plaque squarely in front of them.

Claus’ plaque read “COO” while Ta’s read “CEO”, San’s read CMO (Chief Magic Officer) which was preceded by Winter’s, Sinter’s and Jack Frost’s which said “Vice-CMO, Deputy CMO and Assistant CMO, respectively. Jarvis’ plaque read “Head Elf,” while his brother Loblaw’s read “ Chief Head of Security” and General Frosty’s read “Deputy Head of Security” Owen’s simply read “Snowman” as he had not really been given a position[2]. Randolph had a plaque that read, “Head of Transportation” while Yule had one that read, “Vice-Head of Transportation” finally St. Peter’s title was that of “Chief Religion Officer” and he was the middle-man between heaven and Santa Claus, INC[3]

The only one missing was Krampus, whose title was simply “Christmas Demon” and he was in charge of giving all the naughty children coal, punishing the really naughty one’s with a birch rod, and punishing the occasional naughty mom as well, but that was really for his own pleasure and not part of his assigned duties.

“Where’s Krampus?” Claus asked as he called the meeting to order.

“He probably hasn’t gotten back from his yearly vacation, trying to trick another poor mother out of her first-born child again,” St. Peter replied.

“That’s fine. We’ll just do this meeting without him.”  Everyone else nodded their agreement.

“I have called this meeting because I think it’s time we recruit another member to our team of toy deliverers,” Claus announced. A slight murmur filled the room

“The toy load has become too much for Ta, Peter, and I, and I think we need at least one more sleigh and driver for this year.”

Claus turned to Randolph and asked, “Do we have enough qualified reindeer for one more sleigh?”

“Yes,”

“Good, Ok everybody. I want to go around the table and everyone to make a suggestion for the new Santa.  I’ll begin by suggesting Molina, the tooth fairy.”

Claus turned to his fellows, but none seem enthused by the suggestion. After a disappointed pause Claus continued, “Ok, we’ll get everyone suggestions and then we will have five minutes of debate and vote on the most worthy candidate.” Claus turned to Ta.

Ta looked nervously at the group before speaking, “What about the Sandman?”

“We’re are already using him to keep the children asleep and give them visions of sugar-plums.” San interjected

“Oh yeah,” a deflated Ta replied.

“What about Summer the wizard?” San suggested, avoiding Winter’s icy glare.

“What about Autumn?” Winter chimed in.

“What about my buddy Odin?” Sinter spoke up.

“Isn’t he busy ruling Asgard?” Jack Frost asked

“Ok, then his son Loki? Or Thor” Jane Frost interjected

“That maniac. I don’t think so. Also, Thor is a complete idiot” San rudely interrupted.

“Ok, let’s keep going,” Claus broke in.

“Father Time?” Jack Frost suggested

“Uncle Zuckercorn.” Jarvis put in

“The Pixy Triplets,” Loblaw added and everyone gave him a look that told him they all knew he was only suggesting them for a chance to get to sleep with one of them.

“Cornelius Yukon,” Randolph timidly offered[4] to a disapproving look from Claus, who had still not forgiven Yukon for the whole construction debacle

Yule just shrugged his shoulders and shook his head, “Sorry I can’t think of anyone.”

“The Evergreen Witch?” Frosty suggested, “She lives in the forest nearby.” This was met with resounding silence.

“Me,” Owen said tentatively

“But you’ll melt in the fireplace,” Frosty protested

“I guess you’re right,” Owen’s face drooped in disappointment as he slunk down in his chair.

Finally, everyone turned to St. Peter, who smiled nervously. “I may have a worthy candidate.  He is a holy bishop in Myra and his name is Nicholas.”

“Isn’t that the guy who gave a poor man three bags of gold for each of his daughters as a dowry so they wouldn’t starve?” San asked.

“Yes.” St. Peter stated plainly

“Isn’t he dead?”

“Yes, but he has not yet made it through the Pearly Gates. I can ask St. Paul to send him back down here. Of course, we will have to construct a new body for his soul as the old one has already been burned.

“I can do that,” Jack chimed in. Everyone looked at him in surprise. “What? If need be, I mean.”

Everyone looked expectantly at St. Peter and Claus.

“All in favor of Saint Nicholas as our new Santa?”

Everybody shouted their consent in unison.

 

 

Meanwhile, in heaven, St. Paul was unenthusiastically waving souls through the Pearly Gates, only bothering to check his list once as souls marched through into heaven

“Man, I wish I was in there.” He thought to himself as he heard the angel rock band Gabriel and the Arkangels go into their fifth encore of Hallejuh.

He was jolted to attention by an astral projection of St. Peter appearing right next to him[5]

“Will you stop doing that,” Paul barked

“Sorry. I need a favor.”

“Ok,” Paul said skeptically

“There should be a Nicholas of Myra arriving at the Pearly Gate soon. I want you to send him back to earth?”

“You know I don’t have the authority for that. I have to ask God.”

“It’s ok,” bellowed a booming voice that seemed to come from nowhere yet everywhere at the same time.

“Thank you our heavenly father who art in heaven,” Peter replied, offering a short bow of deference.

“I’ll be back at the North Pole waiting.” Peter said before disappearing

“Ok,” Paul replied, stifling a yawn.

 

Peter’s soul returned to its body which was in the great hall of Claus’ castle where everyone was waiting for the arrival of their new Santa.

In the center of the room, Jack Jane and Sinter were busy sculpting a new body for the deceased St. Nicholas. The new body was short and stocky, with a round belly, rosy cheeks, and a long white beard. For good measure, they had put a red suit with black boots on him.

Everyone shielded their eyes as a bright light descended into the room and entered the body made of ice and clay.

They stared at the body as it slowly came to life, first blinking its eyes and then moving it arms.

“Where am I? I thought I was supposed to go to heaven.” The round fat man said in a jovial voice.

“We asked god to send you back down to earth.” Peter replied

“Why?” asked the newly revived St. Nicholas

“Because we need your help. We are the members of Santa Claus, INC.” Peter gestured around the room and St. Nicholas looked around in wonderment

“I thought Santa Claus was one guy.”

“Don’t be silly. There’s no way one guy can deliver all those toys in one night, even with the time spell.”

“What time spell?”

“Never mind. We brought you here because we heard how generous you were and we wanted your help delivering all the toys to the children of the world.”

“Really? You want me?” St. Nicholas asked, deeply flattered.

“Yes.”

“I would be happy to.” St. Nicholas replied, grabbing St. Peter in a boisterous hug.

Everyone in the room let out a cheer, Christmas wouldn’t be cancelled that year.

 

 

Footnotes
[1] The roundtable at Claus’ North Pole mansion was actually the inspiration for King Arthur’s Round Table as San’s nephew Merlin had told Arthur about it.
[2] He would later be promoted to Head Snowman, but that was mostly to stop his whining
[3] During the off-season St. Peter worked as a doorman at Heaven’s Pearly Gates, but he put St. Paul in charge during the Christmas season.
[4] Cornelius Yukon had once saved Randolph from a pack of ravenous wolves after he had become lost during a Christmas run and separated from the rest of the team.
[5] Peter’s body was still in the North Pole, but his soul was able to travel back and forth to Heaven. One of the perks of being a Saint.

A Brief History of Santa Claus, Incorporated: Chapter 13

Previous Chapters

Prologue

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

 

Chapter 13: The Christmas Demon and his Goat

 

Krampus[1] was not as reformed as Jesus thought him to be.

At the very moment that Simon Peter and Owen were looking for him, he was among a herd of goats on a hillside overlooking Jerusalem, gnawing vigorously on the leg of a female goat while hiding himself with a cloaking spell. The other goats around him trembled with fear a confusion as they heard the loud gnawing sounds and saw the blood spurting from the she-goat but couldn’t see the source

The mischievous demon giggled naughtily as fresh blood dribbled down his chin. Just for fun, he sent a speaking spell towards a male goat, striking him and nearly knocking him down.

“Baah… Happy birthday” the goat bleated, “Why did I just say? I’m a goat. I can’t talk.” This drew the attention of the other goats, who were even more confused.  The goat rambled on incoherently while Krampus snickered.

The goat whose leg Krampus had been gnawing on tried to limp away, but Krampus pounced on it, tearing into the flesh of its back and causing all the other goats, besides the talking one, to flee as he let out a blood-curdling howl

“Holy shit,” the talking goat exclaimed as Krampus’ invisibility spell wore off and his true hideous black form was revealed.  Krampus was small, about the size of an elf, with pure black fur covering his whole body, glowing yellow eyes, large falcon-like talons, sharp teeth stretched into an impish grin, a horn sticking out of his forehead and one out of the back of his neck and a red prehensile tale.

The goat and the demon stared at each other.

Suddenly a bright light flashed, scaring the goats further away, and from it emerged Simon Peter, Owen, and Gabriel, who had been ordered to help Owen and Simon Peter find Krampus by Jesus.

“This day just keeps getting better,” the goat moaned, unenthusiastically going back to munching on some grass.

“Krampus, we bind you and force you to use your dark magic for our benefit.” Owen spoke with conviction and Krampus’ body grew stiff as if some invisible force had taken hold of him.

“What is thy bidding my master,” Krampus asked between clenched teeth.

“I wish you to heal me from my gross deformity,” Owen replied.

Krampus took one look at Owen, almost chuckling. He tried to fight the binding spell but could only feel his body stiffening even more.

“Ok,” He managed to say without opening his mouth, which was clenched tight. He stiffly raised his left hand and a bolt of sprung for it.

The spell struck Owen, but bounced off him and came back to Krampus, who was knocked flat and sprouted a flower at the end of his neck horn.

“What happened?” Owen demanded as he looked down and saw he had not been changed. “Jesus said you could change me.”

“Jesus was wrong[2]I can do nothing for you. Only your creator can reverse the spell.”

“I was afraid of that,” Owen said plainly, hanging his head in defeat.

“Don’t worry you can go back to the North Pole and find Jack Frost,” Simon Peter assured him

“I’ve probably been branded a traitor and a deserter by now,” Owen replied glumly.

“Will you release me? please, “Krampus hissed.

“No,” a soothing, yet strong voice spoke behind them. Owen, Simon Peter, and Gabriel turned around to see Jesus coming up the hill.

The goat, who knew of Jesus bowed and said, “Your majesty. I’m a Yule the talking goat My grandfather, Alfred, was at your birth.”

Jesus looked at the goat with a mix of surprise and curiosity.

“Rise my young goat friend,” he said simply.

Yule rose and went back to grazing while Jesus turned his attention back to Krampus.

“Krampus, you lied to me.”

“I’m a demon. It’s what we do,” Krampus retorted, flicking his tongue at Jesus, which was quite hard as his body was still frozen in place.

“As punishment for your sins, I am sending you to the North Pole with Owen and Simon Peter.”

“No, please. I will reform.” Krampus begged in his most pitiful voice[3]

“You will become a member of Santa Claus, Inc. and help deliver presents on my birthday every year until time immemorial or you will be destroyed.”

Krampus opened his mouth to protest, but when he caught Jesus’ steadfast and unflinching gaze he simply nodded in obedience.

“Furthermore you must take this unholy goat you have given the ability to speak with you.”

Yule looked up from his chewing and shrugged, or at least the goat version of shrugging which is just tilting their head back.

“But master, why must I go to the North Pole?” Simon Peter asked.

“My plan will become clear in time, but for now just know that I need a representative in Santa Claus, Inc.”

“Ok,” Simon Peter conceded, “But it will be a long journey to The North Pole”

“Gabriel will transport you there,” Jesus replied, shooting Gabriel a commanding look

“Yes holy savior,” Gabriel replied out loud while whispering under his breath, “Spoiled little brat” In a flash Simon Peter, Owen, Krampus and Yule were taken from the mountain and transported thousands of miles away to the North Pole.

 

The group landed right in the center of Claus’ office as the members of Santa Claus, Inc: San, Ta, Claus, Jarvis, Loblaw, Rudolph, Winter, Sinter, Jack and Jane Frost, and Frosty, were having their weekly meeting.

“What is the meaning of this?” San demanded as he looked over the motley crew.

“The Savior of all Mankind Jesus Christ has requested you allow Simon Peter, his chief apostle, Yule, the talking goat and Krampus, the demon into your ranks and that you repair the hideous form of Owen the snowman.”

The members of Santa Claus, Inc just looked blankly at Gabriel and his charges. After a long pause, Ta stood up.

“We gladly obey the Messiah’s request,” Ta said softly, bowing to the angel.

“Good,” Gabriel replied before vanishing

Simon Peter stepped forward, offering his hand.

I am Simon Peter, son of Hezekela of Jubilee, who died of disease before I was born, brother of Andrew, and apostle to Jesus and these are my companions, Krampus, a most vulgar demon, Yule, a talking goat, and the deformed snowman Owen, and we seek refuge in your humble castle.

Upon hearing the name Hezekela, Sinter’s ears immediately began to perk up, for Hezekela of Jubilee[4]was often the alias he used when picking up women. As he looked at Simon Peter he could see a slight resemblance. “I say let them stay,” He said quickly, curious if this could be his son.

“I second that,” Ta interjected.

San looked to all the rest of the members who nodded in affirmation.

“Alright, but Jack Frost has to turn Owen back to normal.”

“Wait a minute, “exclaimed Frosty, “Owen is a deserter and a coward, he should be court-martialed and imprisoned.”

“That was 20 years ago Frosty and you won that battle,” Jack Frost cut in

“So?”

“He is my creation and he deserves to not be disfigured just because I messed up on my first try. I have learned a lot of magic since then and I think I can reverse the effects.

“Reparo Vivis Nir” Jack Frost shouted as he shot a bolt of magic and Owen. The snowman was lifted from the ground and enshrouded in a cocoon of magic energy. When the energy cocoon came back to the ground and Owen stepped out, he was no longer disfigured, but looked remarkably similar to Frosty.

“Thank you father,” Owen cried as he hugged Jack Frost.

“Welcome new members,” Ta said welcomingly as space was made for the band of misfits around the table.

 

Footnotes
[1] His true name was Rumpelstiltskin. Krampus is one of his many aliases. He was also the genie Aladdin freed from the lamp, which ended up working better for Krampus than Aladdin, who ended up dying alone and poor right after freeing Krampus once and for all.
[2] Twice in one day for the son of God.
[3] Demons are notoriously adverse to cold climates as they normally live in the fiery depths of hell. That’s why they prefer to hang out in deserts.
[4] A fictional town that was a common hometown Sinter used.