Chapter 6: The Third Wizard Brother
Deep in the woods of Nowhere is a ramshackle shack made of sticks, mud, bull manure, blood, sweat, tears, and quite possibly semenIn the shack dwells Sinter, the younger brother of San and Winter.
His exile, however, was not completely self-imposed. It came after San had stolen his beloved human wife Julia. San did try to give her back, but Sinter viewed her as sullied beyond repair. Julia did find happiness with their half-brother Who Shall Not Be Named, but it was short-lived. She died giving birth to her son Merlin and Who Shall Not Be Named dealt with the news by shooting a lightning bolt through his brain. Their sister Who Was Not Named ended up raising Merlin
“This place gives me the creeps,” San grumbled as he, Winter, Ta and Claus walked through the dark and foreboding woods of Nowherelooking for Sinter’s shack.
“Are you sure this is where Sinter lives?” San asked Winter
“This is where our half-sister Who Was Not Named said he would be.”
“This is waste of time. If we really need a wizard I can just try Summer again.”
“No,” Winter protested, just a little too aggressively, “We don’t need that hack.” He spat an icy lougie on the ground causing the grass it struck to wilt.
“What about his sister Autumn? Don’t you still have her wand number?”
“No,” San eyed Winter suspiciously but made no comment.
“Well, we could always get a hold of Loki. He’s not a wizard, but he will do in a pinch,” San offered
“No, you have to apologize to Sinter sooner or later. It might as well be now.”
“I already tried to apologize to him. He didn’t accept it.”
“He just didn’t want his wife back after you defiled her. That was nearly a hundred years ago.”
“I don’t know why he didn’t want her back. I left her in perfectly fine condition.”
“You gave her three horns on her head and teeth in her vagina”
“So, it was good enough for our half-brother Who Shall Not Be Named.”
“Yeah, but his mother was a troll.”
‘”I guess you’re right. I better mend things between me and Sinter before either one of us dies or I get a woman and he feels honor-bound to steal her from me.”
“That’s the spirit,” Winter replied jovially, slapping his brother on the shoulder. Ta and Claus watched the exchange, saying nothing.
The high-pitched caw of a raven echoed through the woods, accompanied by a low-rumbling hoot of an owl which made everyone in the party jump slight. Claus jumped the highest, getting himself stuck in a tree.
The cawing and hooting continued, each sound taking turns as if in some kind of auditory duel.
“I think we should get out of here,’ Claus said from the tree.
“We are almost to Sinter’s house. I can feel it.” Winter reassured the elf.
As if in reply to Winter’s reassurance a menagerie of birds: ravens, owls, hawks, sparrows, swans, geese, calling birds, French hens, turtle doves, and a partridge that had flown in from a pear-tree, burst from the trees surrounding them and flew in a large circle around them The cawing and hooting continued, surrounding the party.
“What the fuck is this?” San demanded.
“I don’t know,” Winter replied with a shrug.
The sound of tearful howling cut through the bird songs and a pack of wolves materialized out of the forest, surrounding the group.
“I’m glad I’m up in the tree,” Claus said mostly to himself. He received death glares from San, Ta, and Winter.
Winter and San shared a look. San limbered up and stretched out, prepared to deliver lightning bolts while Winter cracked his fingers, in preparation for conjuring up a wintry gust of wind.
Meanwhile, Ta grasped desperately for the lucky stone in his pocket but sighed with regret when he remembered he had given it to the kid in Bethlehem. Instead, he stuck his hand in his other pocket and grasped the lucky dragon scale that was there.
Claus watched the whole scene from the tree, smiling whole-hearted at the fact he was safe in the tree. Perhaps it was this arrogant thought that caused the branch he sat on to snap and send him tumbling to the ground
“Ow,” Claus cried as he landed hard on the ground. None of his friends offered to help him up and were, in fact, all secretly smiling at his unfortunate luck. Serves him right, thought San.
The wolves continued to growl and the birds continued to sing as Claus, Ta, San, and Winter (mostly San and Winter) prepared to fight back. The battle was never to be however as dual roars ripped through the forest air, causing the wolves to shutter in fear and the birds to fly off in one big cloud.
The gang stood perfectly still as two large black bears thrashed through the trees with all the finesse of a large fat man trying to do ballet. The bears drug a sled whose current passenger was a tall wizard with disheveled brown hair, an unruly, long beard and an atrocious robe made of pigskin and sheep bladder.
He looked at the group, especially San, with deep disdain and spoke in a voice that was worn from disuse.
“What do you want?” He croaked.
“Hello dear brother,” Winter said jovially, trying to put Sinter at ease, but the hermit could only stare with displeasure at San, who offered a weak wave.
“What do you want?” Sinter demanded again.
“We only wish to talk.” Winter flashed a large smile as he said this. All he got in return was a gigantic scowl.
“Then talk,” Sinter managed to say without moving his lips and ruining the scowl he had worked hard to perfect for the moment he would finally meet his brother San again.
“We have come here to ask you a favor,” San chimed in. He stepped forward, his body tensing up.
“First you must apologize.”
“I tried to earlier. I even gave you your wife back.”
“If I wanted my pecker bitten off I would slather it in bacon grease and summoned my one of my wolves.” Everyone (including me) cringed at the image.
“Ok, Ok. I’m sorry. I am truly sorry. She came to me and I couldn’t help myself. She is a devil woman and you should be mad at her and not me.”
Sinter stepped down off his sled and approached San, who weakly raised his arms to defend himself. Sinter reached for his brother, who shirked away slightly and engulfed him a big hug. “I forgive you.” He whispered in San’s ear.
Winter also went in for the hug as well has Sinter’s two bear companions, Sasha and Mercedes, who ambled over and made it a literal bear hug. Ta and Claus looked at each other before electing not to join in.
“It’s good to have my brother’s back together,” Winter said cheerfully as everyone withdrew from the hug.
With a smile on his face and a twinkle in his eyes Sinter asked, “Why have you come to see me?”
Winter looked expectantly at San, who let out an exasperated sigh and began to explain the situation to Sinter who petted his testicles, contemplating the situation…
The very next day Sinter rode his sledup to Claus’ castle.
He knocked politely on the door and after a short wait, the door was unlocked by Matilda.
“Yes?” Matilda asked in her rickety voice.
Sinter just stared at her in reply, his mouth agape. After one hundred years in the forest with no female companionshipMatilda was the first woman Sinter had seen, so she was looking particularly good-looking to him.
Matilda, who had never been with a man who hadn’t stuffed her in a full body bag and made holes for her mouth and the distended elephant trunk she called a vagina, was flattered by Sinter’s attention and would have jumped his bones right there if she didn’t have an unexplained rash she didn’t want to spread around.
“Goood eveeening maaam” Sinter managed to stammer out. “I am here for the meeting.”
“Oh yes, come on in. They are all upstairs. You can go up there and I will take care of your sled and bears for you.” Matilda smiled a two-tooth grin.
“Thank you.” Sinter said as he stepped into the house and headed upstairs. He gave Matilda a nervous smile as he walked past her and she felt a tingling sensation in her lower parts, although that could have been the rash.
Sinter entered Claus’ office to see San, Ta, Claus, Winter, and Jarvis all gathered around a magic rune circle. San and Winter were both seated uncomfortably on the floor meditating while everyone else stood and watched.
“Hello,” Everyone said in unison, as they noticed his presence.
“This is my nephew Jarvis,” Claus said, gesturing to Jarvis, who offered his hand.
The wizard and the elf shook hands.
San and Winter both got up from their seated position to greet their brother.
“What do you say we try this time spell?” Winter asked
“Sure,” Sinter answered.
“Claus is going to use a portable hourglass to see if we can slow down or maybe even stop time,” San explained
“Sounds good,” Sinter responded as he took his position around the rune circle. This was not his first time-spell.
Seeing that Sinter was ready San and Winter both got into position.
“Does everyone remember the incantation?” San asked. Sinter and Winter nodded in reply, sharing an eye roll.
“This is so exciting,” Claus whispered to Ta, who was equally excited. Jarvis stood in the corner, looking unimpressed.
San and Winter followed their brother’s lead and got into position around the rune circle, folding their arms across their chest and closing their eyes.
“Abracatimex enjoy this rhymex as we stop timex” The three brothers chanted over and over again as the room began to crackle with magic.
Claus looked down at the portable hourglass he held in his hand to see that the grains of sands had stopped falling. “Success!” he shouted.
At that very moment, the room began to shake uncontrollably, and it wasn’t out of fear as rooms cannot feel fear. Anger and Happiness yes, but not fear.
“Perhaps you declared victory too soon,” Ta whispered to his elven friend.
Feces began to stream out of Sinter’s nose like blood, Semen began to leak out of Winter’s eyes like tears, and Sin began to uncontrollably piss blood.
Ta, Claus, and Jarvis watched the whole scene with abject terror and wonder as Matilda burst into the room to serve up tea and crumpets. She just as quickly ran screaming from the room. 
The room continued to shake as lightning erupted from San’s penis, sending him hurtling backwards against the wall, Sinter’s leg turned into twigs and snapped, sending him sprawling onto the floor and finally a strong snowy wind blew out of Winter’s mouth, sending him flying around the room and eventually landing on Jarvis, who still looked unimpressed.
As the three brothers all got up from ordeals they shared a defeated look and said in unison, “We are going to need another wizard.” Claus smashed his hourglass in frustration.