A Brief History of Santa Claus, Incorporated: Chapter 6

Previous Chapters:

Prologue

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

 

Chapter 6: The Third Wizard Brother

 

Deep in the woods of Nowhere is a ramshackle shack made of sticks, mud, bull manure, blood, sweat, tears, and quite possibly semen[1]In the shack dwells Sinter, the younger brother of San and Winter.

Sinter is a peculiar sort, even for wizards. After many disappointments he shirked all human and wizard contact[2] and came to live in the woods of Nowhere, preferring the company of animals[3]

His exile, however, was not completely self-imposed. It came after San had stolen his beloved human wife Julia. San did try to give her back, but Sinter viewed her as sullied beyond repair. Julia did find happiness with their half-brother Who Shall Not Be Named, but it was short-lived. She died giving birth to her son Merlin and Who Shall Not Be Named dealt with the news by shooting a lightning bolt through his brain. Their sister Who Was Not Named ended up raising Merlin[4]

 

“This place gives me the creeps,” San grumbled as he, Winter, Ta and Claus walked through the dark and foreboding woods of Nowhere[5]looking for Sinter’s shack.

“Are you sure this is where Sinter lives?” San asked Winter

“This is where our half-sister Who Was Not Named said he would be.”

“This is waste of time. If we really need a wizard I can just try Summer again.”

“No,” Winter protested, just a little too aggressively, “We don’t need that hack.” He spat an icy lougie on the ground causing the grass it struck to wilt.

“What about his sister Autumn? Don’t you still have her wand number?”

“No,” San eyed Winter suspiciously but made no comment.

“Well, we could always get a hold of Loki. He’s not a wizard, but he will do in a pinch,” San offered

“No, you have to apologize to Sinter sooner or later. It might as well be now.”

“I already tried to apologize to him. He didn’t accept it.”

“He just didn’t want his wife back after you defiled her. That was nearly a hundred years ago.”

“I don’t know why he didn’t want her back. I left her in perfectly fine condition.”

“You gave her three horns on her head and teeth in her vagina”

“So, it was good enough for our half-brother Who Shall Not Be Named.”

“Yeah, but his mother was a troll.”

‘”I guess you’re right. I better mend things between me and Sinter before either one of us dies or I get a woman and he feels honor-bound to steal her from me.”

“That’s the spirit,” Winter replied jovially, slapping his brother on the shoulder. Ta and Claus watched the exchange, saying nothing.

The high-pitched caw of a raven echoed through the woods, accompanied by a low-rumbling hoot of an owl which made everyone in the party jump slight. Claus jumped the highest, getting himself stuck in a tree.[6]

The cawing and hooting continued, each sound taking turns as if in some kind of auditory duel.

“I think we should get out of here,’ Claus said from the tree.

“We are almost to Sinter’s house. I can feel it.” Winter reassured the elf.

As if in reply to Winter’s reassurance a menagerie of birds: ravens, owls, hawks, sparrows, swans, geese, calling birds, French hens, turtle doves, and a partridge that had flown in from a pear-tree, burst from the trees surrounding them and flew in a large circle around them[7] The cawing and hooting continued, surrounding the party.

“What the fuck is this?” San demanded.

“I don’t know,” Winter replied with a shrug.

The sound of tearful howling cut through the bird songs and a pack of wolves materialized out of the forest, surrounding the group.

“I’m glad I’m up in the tree,” Claus said mostly to himself. He received death glares from San, Ta, and Winter.

Winter and San shared a look. San limbered up and stretched out, prepared to deliver lightning bolts while Winter cracked his fingers, in preparation for conjuring up a wintry gust of wind.

Meanwhile, Ta grasped desperately for the lucky stone in his pocket but sighed with regret when he remembered he had given it to the kid in Bethlehem. Instead, he stuck his hand in his other pocket and grasped the lucky dragon scale that was there.[8]

Claus watched the whole scene from the tree, smiling whole-hearted at the fact he was safe in the tree. Perhaps it was this arrogant thought that caused the branch he sat on to snap and send him tumbling to the ground[9]

“Ow,” Claus cried as he landed hard on the ground. None of his friends offered to help him up and were, in fact, all secretly smiling at his unfortunate luck. Serves him right, thought San.

The wolves continued to growl and the birds continued to sing as Claus, Ta, San, and Winter (mostly San and Winter) prepared to fight back. The battle was never to be however as dual roars ripped through the forest air, causing the wolves to shutter in fear and the birds to fly off in one big cloud.

The gang stood perfectly still as two large black bears thrashed through the trees with all the finesse of a large fat man trying to do ballet. The bears drug a sled whose current passenger was a tall wizard with disheveled brown hair, an unruly, long beard and an atrocious robe made of pigskin and sheep bladder.

He looked at the group, especially San, with deep disdain and spoke in a voice that was worn from disuse.

“What do you want?”  He croaked.

“Hello dear brother,” Winter said jovially, trying to put Sinter at ease, but the hermit could only stare with displeasure at San, who offered a weak wave.

“What do you want?” Sinter demanded again.

“We only wish to talk.” Winter flashed a large smile as he said this. All he got in return was a gigantic scowl.

“Then talk,” Sinter managed to say without moving his lips and ruining the scowl he had worked hard to perfect for the moment he would finally meet his brother San again.

“We have come here to ask you a favor,” San chimed in. He stepped forward, his body tensing up.

“First you must apologize.”

“I tried to earlier. I even gave you your wife back.”

“If I wanted my pecker bitten off I would slather it in bacon grease and summoned my one of my wolves.” Everyone (including me) cringed at the image.

“Ok, Ok. I’m sorry. I am truly sorry. She came to me and I couldn’t help myself. She is a devil woman and you should be mad at her and not me.”

Sinter stepped down off his sled and approached San, who weakly raised his arms to defend himself. Sinter reached for his brother, who shirked away slightly and engulfed him a big hug. “I forgive you.” He whispered in San’s ear.

Winter also went in for the hug as well has Sinter’s two bear companions, Sasha and Mercedes, who ambled over and made it a literal bear hug. Ta and Claus looked at each other before electing not to join in.

“It’s good to have my brother’s back together,” Winter said cheerfully as everyone withdrew from the hug.

With a smile on his face and a twinkle in his eyes[10] Sinter asked, “Why have you come to see me?”

Winter looked expectantly at San, who let out an exasperated sigh and began to explain the situation to Sinter who petted his testicles, contemplating the situation…

 

 

#

            The very next day Sinter rode his sled[11]up to Claus’ castle.

He knocked politely on the door and after a short wait, the door was unlocked by Matilda.

“Yes?” Matilda asked in her rickety voice.

Sinter just stared at her in reply, his mouth agape. After one hundred years in the forest with no female companionship[12]Matilda was the first woman Sinter had seen, so she was looking particularly good-looking to him.

Matilda, who had never been with a man who hadn’t stuffed her in a full body bag and made holes for her mouth and the distended elephant trunk she called a vagina, was flattered by  Sinter’s attention and would have jumped his bones right there if she didn’t have an unexplained rash she didn’t want to spread around.

“Goood eveeening maaam” Sinter managed to stammer out. “I am here for the meeting.”

“Oh yes, come on in. They are all upstairs. You can go up there and I will take care of your sled and bears for you.” Matilda smiled a two-tooth grin.

“Thank you.” Sinter said as he stepped into the house and headed upstairs. He gave Matilda a nervous smile as he walked past her and she felt a tingling sensation in her lower parts, although that could have been the rash.

 

Sinter entered Claus’ office to see San, Ta, Claus, Winter, and Jarvis all gathered around a magic rune circle. San and Winter were both seated uncomfortably on the floor meditating while everyone else stood and watched.

“Hello,” Everyone said in unison, as they noticed his presence.

“This is my nephew Jarvis,” Claus said, gesturing to Jarvis, who offered his hand.

The wizard and the elf shook hands.

San and Winter both got up from their seated position to greet their brother.

“What do you say we try this time spell?” Winter asked

“Sure,” Sinter answered.

“Claus is going to use a portable hourglass to see if we can slow down or maybe even stop time,” San explained

“Sounds good,” Sinter responded as he took his position around the rune circle. This was not his first time-spell.[13]

Seeing that Sinter was ready San and Winter both got into position.

“Does everyone remember the incantation?” San asked. Sinter and Winter nodded in reply, sharing an eye roll.

“This is so exciting,” Claus whispered to Ta, who was equally excited. Jarvis stood in the corner, looking unimpressed.

San and Winter followed their brother’s lead and got into position around the rune circle, folding their arms across their chest and closing their eyes.

“Abracatimex enjoy this rhymex as we stop timex[14]” The three brothers chanted over and over again as the room began to crackle with magic.

Claus looked down at the portable hourglass he held in his hand to see that the grains of sands had stopped falling. “Success!” he shouted.

At that very moment, the room began to shake uncontrollably, and it wasn’t out of fear as rooms cannot feel fear. Anger and Happiness yes, but not fear.

“Perhaps you declared victory too soon,” Ta whispered to his elven friend.

Feces began to stream out of Sinter’s nose like blood, Semen began to leak out of Winter’s eyes like tears, and Sin began to uncontrollably piss blood.

Ta, Claus, and Jarvis watched the whole scene with abject terror and wonder as Matilda burst into the room to serve up tea and crumpets. She just as quickly ran screaming from the room. [15]

The room continued to shake as lightning erupted from San’s penis, sending him hurtling backwards against the wall, Sinter’s leg turned into twigs and snapped,  sending him sprawling onto the floor and finally a strong snowy wind blew out of Winter’s mouth, sending him flying around the room and eventually landing on Jarvis, who still looked unimpressed.

As the three brothers all got up from ordeals they shared a defeated look and said in unison, “We are going to need another wizard.” Claus smashed his hourglass in frustration.

 

 

Footnotes
[1] Wizard semen actually possesses quite a plethora of magical properties, including an extraordinary amount of adhesive ability.
[2] Also, Giants, elves, etc.
[3] Not in a sexual way, you perverts. Ok, maybe once in a while.
[4] Yes, he is the same Merlin from the King Arthur myths.
[5] It would later become dark and foreboding for a different reason when it became the parking lot for a large mall.
[6] Despite their small stature and short legs elves are surprising great jumpers. It is because of this Canada is not allowed to compete in the pole vault at the Olympics.
[7] Except for the chickens who attempted to fly, but then settled on hopping around in a circle.
[8] How he acquired the dragon scale is another story that perhaps will be recounted later, but most likely not. I will say the dragon owned a quilt and was crazy, but I will leave it at that.
[9] The trees in Nowhere are actually telepathic and hate arrogance.
[10] Although that could have been left over stardust he has been snorting earlier
[11] It was once again pulled by Sasha and Mercedes who fur has been insulated and turned white by Sinter, effectively creating the Polar Bear.
[12] There had been a brief heated moment with Sasha, but it didn’t go anywhere.
[13] In fact, it was his one hundred and first.
[14] The name Timex actually comes from this spell.
[15] After seeing Sinter shitting out of his nose it was safe to say any attraction she had to him was gone, which was probably the best for both parties.
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A Brief History of Santa Claus, Incorporated: Chapter 5

Previous Chapters

Prologue

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

 

Chapter 5: The Wintry Warlock

The footsteps of San, Ta and Claus echoed off the frozen walls of Winter’s ice cave, which was conveniently located only a few miles from Claus’ North Pole castle and also within 5 miles of two different Starbucks[1].

The trio tiptoed across the ice, being careful to make as little noise as possible, but finding it impossible as the ice constantly snapped, crackled, and popped beneath them.

“How come you never told us you had a brother?” Claus whispered to San

San simply shrugged, “It never came up.”

“Are you sure this is the right place?” Ta asked as the ice split slightly under his huge feet with each step.

“Yes. This cave used to be my family’s winter home until my dad died and gave it to Winter. He always was the favorite,” San spat with disgust.

The giant, the elf, and the wizard continued their trek into the cold and dark cave, looking for any signs of San’s brother Winter. The icy floor continued to splinter and shift beneath them.

San looked around the cave with nostalgic disgust as it brought back memories of an unhappy childhood spent learning frivolous magic while his brother and cousins played ice ball[2]

San looked cautiously up at the ceiling and all the icicles that hung from it. He shivered both from the cold and the memory of his cousin, Archimedes, being skewered by one of the icicles. He smiled briefly at the memory, his teeth chattering. He had never particularly liked Archimedes who had never let him play any Wizard games.[3]

As he looked up at the icicles he noticed a small cleft was forming at the base of one of them. He inclined his ear and listened closely to hear the light crackle of the ice.

“Be careful. Those icicles are about to fall any second,” San cautioned his companions.

“We’ll be…” Claus was interrupted by an icicle coming lose and crashing down towards him. All he could do was stay motionless, in shock, as it plummeted towards his head, about to make him an elf-kabob.

Luckily for Claus, San had seen the falling projectile coming and pushed him out of the way with a gust of wind. Claus was sent careening into an ice column and was knocked out cold, both figuratively and metaphorically.

San looked at Ta and yelled, “Run!”

The giant was quick to obey San, as he did not want to end up like Claus, and so the remaining two wise men sprinted across the ice as best they could.

It was probably not a moment too soon because all the icicles that had been precariously frozen to the ceiling came cascading down around them. It would have been a beautiful sight if it hadn’t had been so deadly.

San and Ta made it through the cataclysm relatively unscathed, aside from Ta getting his elbow scraped by an icicle and bleeding just a little bit[4]and found shelter under a small overhang that didn’t have any icicles hanging from it where they watched the ice continue to fall for what seemed like an eternity

“Don’t worry this happens about once a year,” San said, parting Ta on the lower back reassuring.

Finally, the ice storm stopped and San and Ta were able to step out from under the overhang and make it over to the still unconscious Claus and checked his pulse.[5]

“He’s still alive,” San announced, much to Ta’s relief. “I should probably revive him.”

San took a step back, snapped his fingers, cracked his knuckles, stretched his legs, rolled his eyes and shot of a bolt of lightning straight at Claus. The electricity was quick to animate the small elf, who let out a loud yelp as he nearly leaped out of his skin.

“I may have used too much,”.

“What?” Claus shouted, his ears ringing profusely.

San opened his mouth to respond but said nothing.

Ta gave San a concerned look.

“Let’s keep on going. I can smell my brother’s putrid scent from here.”

Ta helped Claus to his feet and the followed San who was already pressing forward as if nothing had happened; although this time he walked a little slower and more cautiously

“Don’t worry, his hearing will come back soon,” San said encouragingly, avoiding eye contact with either one of his cohorts.

They had only taken a few cautious steps when they were halted dead in their tracks by a chilly wind and a billowing voice demanding, “Who dares to disturb the solitude of the great snow wizard, Winter?”

“It’s your brother San.,” San shouted back in the general direction of the voice, looking around nervously for any visible sign of his brother.

For a long moment, a frigid silence fell over the cave. The only sounds were the continued shifting of the ice floor and the shallow breathing of San, Ta, and Claus.

“Hello?”  San called out after a few minutes, his voice echoing through the cave.

The wind that they had felt when they had first heard Winter’s voice returned, this time stronger, faster, and colder.

“Why didn’t I put on another layer?” Ta complained. San shot him a look and indicated that he was only wearing his green guest robe.

Not one to be outdone Claus gestured to his bare arms and shouted, “At least you guys have fucking sleeves”

As if it had heard their complaints and was not pleased with them the wind grew even stronger, shaving ice off the walls and floor to pelt them with. Snow materialized with the ice, pummeling their bodies with howls of what seemed to be delight, but could have been their imagination.

The wind continued to howl, increasing its severity as it seemed to funnel itself into a spot right in front of the three wise men. The snow and ice were soon swept up into a medium-sized tornado from which a boisterous and slightly maniacal laugh was emitted.

San, Ta, and Claus watched the tornado gain strength and size as a figure emerged from within it.

The figure wore a shiny white robe, which grabbed the tiny droplets of sunlight that had entered the cave and show brightly. In his left hand, he held a sturdy cane made of sturdy oak and sprinkled with peppermint candy in case he ever got hungry.

Adorning the figure’s face was a pair of crescent half-glasses which sat uncomfortably on his giant bulbous nose and offset the ghostly paleness of his skin and long flowing hair. An even whiter (if that’s possible) beard protruded from his face and wrapped around his body.

“Brother,” the figure roared with delight as the tornado died down and he materialized completely. “It’s so great to see you.”

Winter stepped forward to give his younger brother a cold hug but slipped on the ice sending him into San, who caught him awkwardly and managed to get the hug they both needed.

“I wish you would have called first. I was just entertaining some guests.” The Pixie Triplets: Trixy, Dixy and Mixy came fluttering into the room.

“You remember the Pixie Triplets?” Winter asked San with a strong pat on the shoulder

“Yes,” San replied unenthusiastically. I always have to share with this bastard, San thought bitterly to himself.

“Why don’t you ladies go keep the bed cold. I will be up in a second.” The pixies obediently fluttered back in the direction they had come from.

“To what do I owe this visit? It is probably not a social visit as you have brought these two with you.” Winter gestured at Ta and Claus

“Oh, right sorry, this is Claus and Ta” Both the giant and elf nodded in greeting.

“Please to meet you,” Winter said with a courteous bow.

“Ta, Claus and I are working on something big,” San continued, “And we came here to see if you would join us.”

“Maybe. What is it you guys are working on? If it involves Summer, I’m not interested. I learned my lesson once already about working with him.”

“No, it doesn’t involve Summer,” San fibbed. [6]

“Ok, what is it then,” Winter folded his arms and listened patiently.

“I’m sure you heard about the birth of Jesus, the son of god?”

“Yes. I don’t know what the big fuss is. He will probably end up being just as conceited as his father.” [7]

“Those were exactly my thoughts,” San smiled slightly, glad that he and his brother agreed on something. Ta gave San a warning nudge.

San cleared his throat and continued, “Anyways, somehow Me, Claus and Ta were all invited to Jesus’ birth.”

Winter nodded politely. “Ok…” he prompted.

, “The birth didn’t affect me or Claus much, but Ta was deeply affected by it.” Ta blushed and shifted nervously as all eyes turned towards him.

“Ta came up with the idea of giving gifts to all the children of the world on Jesus’ birthday as a commemoration of his birth. Claus has already brought all his relatives up to the North Pole to start making toys, but we need another wizard for a time spell if we hope to deliver all the toys in one night.”

Winter pondered this for a long second, rubbing his forehead and pulling his ear as he thought “For a time spell like that you need at least three wizards”

“Are you sure we can’t do it with just us?” San asked hopefully

“Afraid not. Even though we both are pretty powerful…” San smirked at the compliment., “We need at least one more wizard to do it right.”

“But you were my last option. Every other wizard I asked said no.”

“What about Sinter?”

“Who’s Sinter?” Ta asked, drawing a glare from San.

“He’s our other brother,” Winter explained

“You have another brother?” Ta asked, turning on San

“Yeah, but I haven’t talked to him for a while.”

“Oh. So how many brothers do you have exactly?”

“Just two,” [8]

“Why don’t we go talk to Sinter,” Claus offered.

All eyes now turned to San, who fidgeted under the scrutiny.

“Ok, fine…” He relented, “We will go talk to Sinter.”

“I hope he doesn’t kill me,” San whispered to himself as they started to tiptoe out of the cave.

Footnotes
[1] Of course they hadn’t been constructed yet.
[2] Iceball is a lot like dodgeball only with snowballs instead of red rubber balls and just a little bit more magic.
[3] Which are similar to reindeer games, but involve more magic and fewer hooves.
[4] But not even enough to attract a Snow Vampire, the descendants of Dracula’s brother. Garret, who moved up to the North Pole after being exiled by his brother. Of course, there was also none up at the north pole at the time.
[5] Which for elves is located in the belly button
[6] San had actually asked the fire wizard first but had yet to hear back from him.
[7] Winter had also met God on a couple of occasions at Harold’s Tavern and had even slept with his ex-wife Asherah, which was the source of a long-standing grudge between the two of them
[8] Technically that was true. San only he had two full-brothers. He did have a half-brother, Who Shall Not Be Named, and an adopted sister, Who Was Not Named.

A Brief History of Santa Claus, Incorporated: Chapter 4

Previous Chapters:

Prologue

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4: The Head Elf

Elf families are massive, so massive that one family can populate a whole country. [1]

The largeness of elf families is probably mostly due to the fact that elves multiply like rabbits who have popped a couple boner pills and snorted a whole bunch of cocaine. It could also be due to the fact that the minimum amount of children and elf mother can have at once is three and the maximum is 100[2]

The average elf becomes sexually active at the age of 10[3] and stays active until the day they die. Since on average elves live to be 500 and the normal gestation period for elf children is six months, that equals a whole lot of children which is probably why at the end of the year all the elves that have been born that year are thrown in an arena and forced to fight until only 1/16 of them come out[4] It would probably be easier for elves to just use birth control, but their religion forbids it[5]

Despite being almost 350[6] Claus hadn’t been quite as vigorous with his multiplying as his peers. This was probably because he didn’t have any particular interest in elf females. Instead, he had developed a strong preference for human women. Unfortunately for him, the human women had developed a strong preference that he not talk to him.

Claus had managed to sleep with one human woman, Jezebella[7], but nothing ever really came of it aside from a rather embarrassing fit of crying from Claus, the creation of herpes, and Claus losing half his fortune.

And so Claus was a 350-year-old, childless, elf who had only had sex once, which is so far below the elf average it wouldn’t even appear on the chart of elf sex[8]

This lack of children is probably why Claus had grown such a fondness for his nephew Jarvis, the son of his half-brother Kagel[9]

It was because this fondness for his nephew[10] that Jarvis was the first member of his family that Claus called when he realized that he would need help to make all the toys for the children of the world.

Jarvis had been quick to answer his uncle’s call, mostly because he owed Claus a favor after he introduced him to his current human wife, Jessopha.[11]

“How’s Jessopha?” Claus asked Jarvis as he strolled into his uncle’s office for their scheduled meeting.

“Dead,” Jarvis stated plainly, with only a hint of sadness.[12]

Claus shook his head, “Such a shame. Those humans don’t seem to last very long.”

“Not at all, my second human wife Hagar is already on her deathbed.”

“Oh well. How are you’re granddaughters doing? Claus asked with slight lasciviousness[13]

“They’re dead,” Jarvis replied bluntly, shooting his uncle a suspicious look.

“Such a shame,” Claus said again, trying to hide his disappointment.

“Yeah, but I do have some beautiful great-great-granddaughters. In fact, I brought one up here with me. I can introduce you if you want.”

“Maybe later. Right now we have some things to discuss.”

“Yes, we do. Do you really think we can make toys for all the human children of the world in less than a year?”

“I don’t know maybe?”

“What about all the elf children? Don’t you think they deserve present as well?”

“There are way too many of them.”[14]

“I suppose you’re right, but what about the giants and wizards?” Jarvis relented.

Claus consider this for a second, “Let’s see if we can handle the humans first”

Jarvis nodded in agreement

“I wanted to meet with you because I have a very special favor to ask you.”

“Name it, you know I owe you a favor.”

“I want you to be in charge of the elves, the head elf if you will”

“Why me? Why can’t you do it?”

“I have too many other duties and I need someone I can trust in charge.”

Jarvis smiled politely. “Well, I’m certainly honored, but…” Jarvis trailed off.

“I know you can do it. Plus, you owe me a favor,” Claus argued

“Ok, fine. I will do this, but then we are even.”

“Ok.” The two elves shook hands and touched toes, the sign of a binding elf deal.

“I better go. They are still building the elf village and they probably need my help. Come by later for some hot cocoa and I might introduce you to my great-great-granddaughter.”

“Ok, I will. Give your father the best for me.”

“Will do.” Jarvis walked out the door with a slight spring in his step as Gerald the troll lumbered in.

 

#

 

“Gerald assures me that the workshop will be done by the end of the month and all my relatives will be fully moved in by the end of the week,” Claus announced to San and Ta at the first board meeting of Santa Claus, Incorporated that night. They both nodded silently in reply. “I put my nephew Jarvis in charge of the elves so I can focus more on the big picture.”

Ta nodded silently in agreement again, but San was quick to voice his concerns.

“Are you sure that’s a great idea?”

“Yeah, I trust Jarvis. He hasn’t wronged me yet, aside from stealing my one true love, but that was an accident and she wasn’t so much my true love as someone I just really wanted to sleep with.”

“Well if you trust him that’s good enough for me.” Ta chimed in.

The two looked expectantly at San. “Ok, I guess it will be fine.”

With that argument settled Claus regained his steadfast composure and officiously stated, “And now for other business…” He looked down at the stack of papers in front of him and turned to San questioningly. “How are thing coming with the search for wizards to help you with the time spell?”  Ta too turned expectantly towards San.

San shifted slightly under the scrutiny but was quick to answer, “I have asked around. My best friend from wizard school, Summer said he might be interested, but I haven’t heard back from him. There is always my brother Winter. He is kind of grouchy but I think he will do it…”

 

Footnotes
[1] In fact the whole nation of Canada is actually just one entire elf family. Which is probably why they are so polite as they don’t want any foreigners to leave and make them hang out with their family all the time.
[2] This usually results in the death of the mother or her falling into 100 year coma after which she produces 50 more children.
[3] Much of the chagrin of their parents and educators.
[4] This event, called the Elf Baby Bash, has double the spectators of the World Cup and Super Bowl combined
[5] There have been many attempts to create a black market for elves condoms, but the demand always becomes too great, causing the market to collapse.
[6] He wasn’t quite sure of his exact age himself as elves don’t put as much emphasis on birthdays as humans, mostly out of necessity. There are just too many to remember.
[7] The same whore of Babylon who Joseph would later run off with.
[8] The chart can actually be found at the Ottawa Public Library in the reference section for those who are curious.
[9] Claus and Kagel had been born at the same time, but due to the weirdness of elf genetics their mother, Miranda, was able to carry children from multiple fathers.  In fact this is true for almost all elf mothers and makes tracking an elves genealogy a giant clusterfuck and is probably the main reason Claus never met his father.
[10] Who was only 10 years younger than him.
[11] Truth be told Claus was trying to seduce Jessopha, the sister of Jezebella, himself and Jarvis just happened to come in at the right time, but Claus knew an elf would go to the ends of the earth to return a favor so he lied and said he had brought Jessopha to his birthday party for Jarvis.
[12] Jarvis, like most elves who married humans, had grown used to their relatively short life spans.
[13] If the idea of incest stopped an elf then they wouldn’t have the population control problem they have.
[14] An elf census has been attempted many times but has never been successful, mostly because the population grows too fast to keep count. All census takers have gone insane in the attempt.

A Brief History of Santa Claus, Incorporated: Chapter 3

Previous Chapters:

Prologue

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3: The Elf

Claus had never been very good with people.[1]This lack of social skills was probably why he was finding it hard to explain to San his plan for getting toys to all the kids of the world. He opened his mouth to speak, but only a short whimper came out, causing Ta and San to stare at him.

“When Ta came to me with his idea, I, like you, thought it was absurd,” Claus finally managed to say in a squeaky voice San nodded his head in agreement.

“I am an accomplished toymaker, but I knew there was no way I could make enough toys in one year for all the children of the world. Besides, how would I deliver all of them?” Both Claus and Ta looked directly at San.

“And then Ta mentioned you and I figured with a little bit of your magic we could accomplish Ta’s goal.”

“How exactly?” San raised his eyebrows skeptically.

“By using your magic, you could stop or slow time on the night before Jesus’ birthday and allow me and Ta to deliver all the toys in one night so that all the children of the world can have their gifts in the morning.”

“Hold on, controlling time is not that simple. It requires at least 4 really gifted wizards and a unicorn horn which is extremely rare.” San objected.

“I have a unicorn horn,” Claus responded.

“How?”

“I went unicorn hunting a couple years ago and I kept one of the horns as a souvenir.”

“Isn’t that illegal?[2]’ Ta asked.

Claus simply shrugged. Ta looked to San for support but got the same shrug.

Claus looked sheepishly up at the giant, his cheeks flushing red[3] under Ta’s fearsome gaze. After a few seconds, he wordless inched past Ta and exited the room. He returned a few minutes later with a unicorn horn, handing it to San.

The Wizard took the horn from Claus, pulling his glasses from his robe pocket and examining it thoroughly. Claus and Ta watched quietly.

“It looks genuine to me,” San finally announced, “but I don’t know if I can convince three other wizards to come up here.”

Claus thought for a second, rubbing his ears for better cognition. “What if I offer them a lifetime supply of fairy powder?”[4]

San tucked on his ear in contemplation, “Umm..”

“Ok, I’ll throw in some warlock fingernails as well,” Claus said with an exasperated sigh.

“That might work.”

“Good, let’s discuss how to make Ta’s idea a reality….”

 

As the discussion trailed on long into the night, Claus quickly emerged as the leader of their enterprise, which was named Santa Claus, Incorporated: a combination of all the names of the three wise men.

“If we are going to do this, I’m going to need to build a workshop to build all the toys.” Ta and Claus looked expectedly at San.

“Don’t look at me. Wizards are forbidden from using magic to build anything after the whole Tower of Babel incident.”

“I can get some a crew of trolls up here to build it, but I need an architect to design the building.”

“What about Frank Lloyd Wright?” San asked

“Who?” Ta and Claus both gave San a confused look.

“Oh, sorry Wizards have a different view of time that you regular folks[5]. He’s kind of a hack anyway”

The group went back to silence, each thinking of someone to design the workshop. Claus rubbed his ears in concentration, Ta paced the room, causing the walls to shake and San just sat in the corner thinking.

“What about Cornelius Yukon?” Ta finally blurted out.

Claus shot Ta a death glare before responding, “No way. I’m not hiring a gnome to build my workshop”

“Why not? He’s world famous. He designed Solomon’s Temple.”

“He’s a gnome and elves don’t do business with gnomes[6]

“Can’t you just put aside your differences and do this for the greater good”

“I’ll think about it.”

 

After some thought Claus relented and Cornelius Yukon was hired along with a crew of trolls.

At first, everything went swimmingly between the gnome and elf[7], until one day, about a month into construction, when things went awfully bad.

No one quite knows why things went awry between the gnome and the elf, much as no one quite knows the origin of the conflict between their species. It could have been the fact that Cornelius wanted gold and silver window panes and Claus wasn’t willing to pay for them or it could have been that during an argument over the panes Claus had called Cornelius a “Garden Jockey.,” an almost unforgivable insult to a Gnome, especially when given by an elf.

“You twinkle-toed son of a bitch[8],” Yukon bellowed at Claus as he leaped over the little elf’s desk, grabbing him by the collar. His large gnome fists were soon pummeling the elf’s face.

Claus being a lover, not a fighter, and being good at neither was not prepared for the gnome and preceded to get his clock cleaned.

Luckily Gerald, the troll foreman, walked into his office just in time to pull Yukon off him.

“I knew I shouldn’t have gone into business with an elf,” Yukon shouted as Gerald held him back and Claus got up from the ground with what little respect and composure he could muster.

“You can build the workshop yourself. I quit,” Yukon announced as he got on his dog-sled and rode away.[9]

Gerald and Claus watched the gnome leave pulled by a Saint Bernard, a great Dane, a huskie, a poodle, a black Labrador, and surprisingly, a tabby cat named Garf.

With a great sigh, Claus sunk into his chair into his chair. Gerald just stared at his boss blankly, as trolls, being one of the stupidest creatures on earth after goblins[10], are want to do.

Through a slightly bruised eye, Claus looked at the latest draft of Yukon’s blueprints that were sitting on his desk and smiled through broken teeth. He winced as he picked up the papers and handed them to Gerald.

“Continue construction, we can’t afford to fall behind,” Gerald said nothing, mostly because Trolls are incapable of speaking actual words and only communicate in a series of grunts, snorts, and hand gestures [11] He simply took the plans from Claus and walked out the door, closing the door with a loud crash behind him.

Claus sighed again and looked at the projected schedule for the construction of his workshop. It appeared as though it would take nearly six months for the trolls to complete their work.

That doesn’t leave me a lot of time to make all the toys before December 25, he thought to himself Even with San and Ta, I may need more help.  And so Claus took his address book out of his desk and began writing messages…

 

 

 

Footnotes
[1] In fact that he only really had one friend, Matilda, who actually loathed her boss and dreamed of increasingly violent ways of killing him every night.
[2] Yes, it is.
[3] Having a healthy reddish hue to their cheeks often indicates a male elves virility so it is one of the main things a female elf looks for in a mate.
[4] Claus knew, like most everyone, that wizards have a strong weakness for fairy powder and other magical drugs.
[5] Frank Lloyd Wright wouldn’t be born for almost another two thousand years.
[6] No one quite knows the origin of the feud between gnomes and elves, but my guess is it was probably a woman.
[7]Enough gold coins to fill the back of a dump truck can do a lot to heal a racial divide.
[8] This was a pretty bad insult in elf culture, but not as bad as Garden Jockey, the equivalent of your N-word.
[9] He was never to be heard from again except for a few years later when he would be arrested on the charges of animal cruelty and bestiality. Claus read the news story about Yukon’s arrest and thought to himself, I’m glad I fired him when I did.
[10] Who are actually a subset of Trolls.
[11] A Troll reciting his poem is truly a sight to behold. They are also fairly good at charades.

A Brief History of Santa Claus, Incorporated: Chapter 2

Previous Chapters:

Prologue

Chapter 1

 

Chapter 2: The Giant

“It all began the night we were all there to witness the birth of Jesus. Mary tried to talk me into staying in the manger with her and Joseph, but I decided I needed to get home. It was the birthday of 25 of my children the next day, so my wife Jospheta was preparing a large meal for the occasion. I absolutely love her crow stew and I didn’t want to miss it. I live only a few hours walk from Bethlehem so I figured I would make it home by midnight.

“As I walked I began to think about the experience of seeing the son of God born and how it was such a coincidence that we all were there. I began to think God chose us for a reason.[1]

San scoffed loudly at this but was silenced by a glare from Claus.

“Sorry, please continue,” San dipped his head in apology.

“I walked home through the town of Bethlehem. It was late and the town was quiet, so I was surprised when I heard the sound of a young child weeping. I looked around for the source of the sound that there was a window open in a nearby hut.”

“I cautiously approached the house and crouched at the window to peer inside. A young boy of about 6 years old with black hair, dirty tan skin, and a thin frame, clothed in sackcloth and lying on a straw bed weeping timidly.”

“Will you get to the point already.” San was once again silenced by a disapproving look from Claus.

“Continue,” Claus said.

“Thank you. Now, where was I?” Ta thought for a few seconds

“Oh yes. I had just approached the boy’s window.

“Making my voice as low as it could be I spoke to the boy asking, ‘Why do you cry, young boy?’

“The tear eyed boy looked out his window at me and nearly leaped out of bed with fright. I tried my best to appear non-threatening and even smiled, but the boy still trembled

“In my most soothing voice, I spoke, ‘It’s ok young boy. I am Ta the giant. I wish you no harm. I simply wish to know why you are crying.’

“The book stopped shaking for a second and wiped away his tears with his sleeve., ‘I am crying because it is my birthday and my parents could not afford to get me a gift’ He managed to say between sobs.

“The boy’s shoulder slumped as he began to cry again. I felt tears slowly forming in my own eyes. I gently and slowly reached into my pocket and withdrew a piece of hard coal that had felled my grandfather Goliath. My father, Ja, had given it to me just before his death as some kind of good luck charm. He said only contained good luck now that it had killed Goliath and it had given him luck all his life.[2]

“With reluctance, I held the stone out for the boy. I didn’t want to part with the stone, but I felt the boy needed it more than I did. As I held it out to him ‘This is the stone that David used to slay the great giant Goliath, perhaps this will make a suitable birthday present.’

The boy tentatively approached the window where I held the stone in my hand and snatched it from my palm.

‘Thank you, sir,’ he said quietly, ‘It shall make a great birthday present’ A radiant smile crept across his face as he dried his tears again.

“‘I am glad,’ I responded, ‘What is your name?’

‘I am John[3],’ the boy responded with trepidation.

“ ‘Pleased to meet you John and happy birthday’ With nothing left to say I walked away from the window, afraid his parents might discover me there and send a mob after me as Giants are seldom welcome in the villages of man.  I stole one last look at the boy, John, who was smiling brightly at his gift even though it was a simple piece of coal.

“As I wandered on I kept on thinking about John and the birth of Jesus and how every child should have a gift on their birthday.

“As I contemplated this an idea began to form in my mind. What if I could do for every other kid in the world what I did for John?”

“What?”  San interrupted once again. Claus shot him another disapproving look, but Ta held up his hand to reassure Claus it was ok.

“Let me continue my story and you shall see.”

Ta looked at both San and Claus who nodded their heads for him to continue.

 

“The long walk home was not nearly enough time to fully think about my idea so I tried to forget about it once I got home, but the idea would not leave my mind. For months it gnawed at me, urging me to try to turn thought into actions.”

“I knew I couldn’t do it alone, but I didn’t know who could help me until I found one of the business cards Claus had given me when we first met. It said that Claus was a toymaker and that’s what I needed to make all the toys for the children. And so I sent him a messenger crow…”

 

Footnotes

[1] If you remember it was an accident.
[2] This was not strictly true. Ta ‘s father, Ja, had died broke and alone. Also, Goliath had been felled by obsidian, not coal so it was just a rock Ja had given to his son.
[3] Unbeknownst to Ta this young boy, who shared a birthday with his cousin Jesus, would grow up to be John the Baptist.  He had the coal around his neck when he was beheaded so it powers as a good luck charm are highly in question at this point, especially as the next owner turned out to be Judas Iscariot who found the lump of coal within the silver he received to betray Jesus.

A Brief History of Santa Claus, Incorporated: Chapter 1

 

Previous Chapters

Prologue

Chapter 1: The Wizard

 

“Caw!” the shrill call of a messenger raven violently awakened San. He opened one eye and looked around his humble hut, which was rather disheveled looking after a vigorous night of partying with the Pixie Triplets Trixy, Dixy, and Mixy. [1] Without opening the other eye he cast a bolt of magic at the raven, knocking it from its perch on his window and sending feathers throughout the room.

San groggily opened his eyes and stared with contempt at the smoking carcass of the messenger bird.

“What do you want?” San demanded in a gravelly voice as he brushed Dixy aside and stumbled towards the window, covering his naked body with his hangover robe.   He stood over the featherless and smoking raven as it emitted once last, barely audible, “Caw”

The corpse of the raven held a small parchment in its beak, which San reluctantly snatched, right before hitting the raven with another magic bolt, just to make sure the raven was dead. [2]

Despite being struck by magic bolts twice, losing all of its feathers and emitting enough smoke to smoke a mean brisket the raven suddenly burst to life, startling San as it flew of the window. Panickily, San struck it with a bolt of energy as it flew away, causing it to explode in a burst of bird flesh and smoke[3].  San watched the thrice struck body of the Raven plummet to the ground and once he was satisfied it was truly dead picked up the note it had been sent to deliver.[4]

With a sigh of annoyance, San unfurled the parchment. It better not be one of those ridiculous chain letters, he thought as he began to read the note aloud, mostly to himself, but partly to the slumbering Pixie sisters.

“You are cordially invited to the first annual reunion of the Three Wise “Men” at the North Pole Estate of the elf Claus on Thursday, December 25, 2. No RSVP required. Just head north until you reach the North Pole. Claus’ house is the first one on the left and the right.”

San ‘s eyebrows curled up with puzzlement as he reread the note.  I don’t remember meeting an elf and who the fucklesticks[5] are the three wise men?”

He sat down on the bed, pushing a comatose Mixy aside, and started to think. He stroked his long white beard, but that was mainly out of habit and it didn’t particularly help him think[6]

Wait a minute, he thought, wasn’t there an elf and a giant at Jesus’ birth last year?

Great, they probably want to decide what to get the little babe for his first birthday. San glanced around his shack for something he could get rid of.  After a quick survey, he spotted a bag of frankincense. “It worked the first time” he happily exclaimed, looking to see if he had disturbed The Pixie Triplets, but they didn’t stir.

San glanced at the calendar on his wall to see that today was the 24th. I suppose I could go a day early, he thought, it’s not like I’m doing anything here. He gently prodded all of the Pixie Triplets with his wand[7], but none of them awakened or  moved for that matter.

“Oh well.” San shrugged and strolled into his bathroom, opening his medicine cabinet to check his stash of fairy powder[8], to see that it was all gone.  Those greedy Pixie girls[9]. He frowned as he closed the cabinet and slipped out of his hangover robe into his travel robe.

He didn’t even bother checking his liquor cabinet or fridge as he was absolutely certain he had drunken all his liquor last night with the help of the Pixie Triplets, his brother Winter, and the witch Autumn[10]

Satisfied that he had nothing to keep himself busy for the rest of the day San slipped on a pair of griffin-down long underwear, a pair of dragon skin glove with centaur-fur lining, a giant pointed hat and a polar bear robe in preparation for his trip to the North Pole.

 

“I trust you ladies can find your way out,” San said with a small grin. None of them responded or even made a motion, but San was unconcerned and so set out for the North Pole in a puff of smoke.[11]

Exactly ten seconds after disappearing from his shack San abruptly rematerialized in the radiant ice castle of Claus the Elf and upon his arrival threw up all over Claus’ cat Nick who was unfortunately nearby.

San heard timid little footsteps as Claus appeared in the foyer where he had materialized.

Upon seeing a vomit-soaked Nick Claus let out a slight gasp.

San smiled apologetically at Claus and said, “You should never drink and teleport.”

Claus just stared blankly at San and replied, “You’re early.”

San shrugged half-apologetically. “I’m sorry, I ran out of drugs, alcohol and women so I thought I would come by early. I hope you don’t mind.”

“I guess not,”

“Matilda!” Claus shouted and a dwarf woman with the face of a troll, the gray skin of an aging rhino, and the body of a hippo came marching in[12] here footsteps quite louder than Claus’

“Yes sir?” she asked in a voice that was like nails screeching on a chalkboard while a pterodactyl wept.

“Will you take Nick and clean him up?”

“Yes sir,” Matilda responded politely as she carefully picked up the vomit-soaked cat. She sniffed him, letting out grunts of pleasure as she relished the scent of puke[13]

“It’s hard to find good help,” Claus whispered to San once Matilda was out of earshot.

“I wouldn’t know. I use magic to do most of my cleaning.”

Claus made no reply.

“Speaking of drugs, do you have any?”

Claus gave San a skeptical look, but said “I might have some warlock fingernails[14]somewhere.”

“That will be fine.”

Claus walked away from San towards his bedroom, shooting him an expectant look as they both exited the foyer.

“What is this reunion for? If we’re getting Jesus gifts for his first birthday, I already have it.” San held up his bag of frankincense.

“I wonder if I can smoke this,” he thought out loud, examining the bag.

Claus just kept walking, ignoring pretty all of San’s previous comments., “I don’t know anything about the reunion. It was Ta who planned the whole thing. He just wanted to use my house to host it.”

“Ta’s the giant right?”

“Yes.”

“So where is he then?”

“He is in the guest bedroom sleeping”

San glanced at his standardized magic watch which read 2:30. “It’s the middle of the afternoon”

“He had a long journey to get here. He cannot teleport like you.  He had to ride 5 days in a Pegasus-drawn carriage to get here.”

“Oh.”

The pair finally reached Claus’s room and they went inside. Claus dug into his stocking drawer until he found a bag of warlock fingernails and handed them to San, who smiled gleefully and let out a girlish giggle of excitement[15]

“Do you want to do these with me?” San asked the elf, popping one directly into his mouth.

Claus shook his head and replied dryly., “No thanks.”

“More for me.” San pulled another fingernail out of the bag and was about to put it in his mouth when the sound of booming footsteps caused him to jump.

“What was that?’

“Ta,” Claus replied matter-of-factly, secretly smiling at San’s fear.

The footsteps grew louder until the giant Ta stood in the doorway, crouching just below the ceiling to get his head in the room.

“What’s that?” He asked, pointing a large finger at San’s bag of warlock fingernails.

“Nothing,” San quickly shoved them back into his robe.

Ta stepped into the room, craning his neck so his head wouldn’t burst through the ceiling.

“Welcome my friend, I’m glad you could make it,” the giant said jovially, patting San on the shoulder with a deceptive amount of gentleness for his large frame.
“I don’t know if I would call us friends. We’ve only met once.”

Claus nudged San and gave him a subtle nod.

“But if you call me a friend then I call you friend.”

“Good to hear.” Ta smiled.

“So why did you bring us all here? Are you planning a surprise party for Jesus?”

“No, I thought about it, but I want to do something more special to commemorate the birth of the savior of mankind”

San was about to protest but was stopped by another nudge and nod from Claus. “Ok, I’m listening.” San relented as he took a seat in the nearby t-rex skin recliner and stared inquisitively up at the giant.

After a long pause, Ta began. “ It all began a year ago after the birth of Jesus…”

Footnotes
[1] Fortunately for San, the magic coursing through his veins prevented him from getting a hangover, otherwise he would have been incapacitated for a couple days.  The Pixie Triplets weren’t as lucky. They were all comatose after snorting enough fairy powder to kill a herd of unicorns.
[2] He had heard ravens were particular vindictive and didn’t want to find out for himself.
[3] San did turn out to be right about ravens being vindictive as he would be harassed by the offspring of that particular raven for the rest of his life, but that’s another story entitled “San and the Curse of the Ravens,” which has yet to be written.
[4] The raven probably deserved all three magic bolts as he was a week late delivering the parchment.
[5] A common wizard swear
[6] In general wizards usually pull on their ears when thinking.
[7] His magic wand, not the one he had used on them the night before.
[8] Fairy Powder is a very powerful drug which is popular among wizards and fairy-folk.
[9] It was actually San who snorted most of it.
[10] Winter and Autumn had both left early in the night, but that suited San and his other companions just fine.
[11] San would feel bad later when he heard that all three sisters had to be hospitalized after his landlady found them the next day. The Pixie Triplets weren’t ones to hold a grudge, so it wasn’t long before they were partying with San again.
[12] This is the common look for a dwarf female which is why male dwarves generally mate outside the species.
[13] Vomit is an aphrodisiac for female dwarves, but not so much for males.
[14] Warlock fingernails, which are harvested from live warlocks, are generally used for helping with headaches, but if you take enough you can get a decent high.
[15] A bag of warlock fingernails is a surefire way to a wizard hearts, so remember that next time you have to buy one a gift.

A Brief History of Santa Claus, Incorporated: Prologue

Hey everyone, welcome back to my blog. I hope you all enjoyed my Arrested Development Screenplay, because now that I am done with that I have decided to try something else similar, yet a little bit different, for this blog. Over the last couple years, I have started working on a christmas novel and honor of Christmas this year I thought I would serialize my novel on this blog, release one chapter a day for your reading pleasure. I have 25 chapters so expect a chapter a day in December leading up to Christmas. I hope you enjoy it and let me know what you think in the comments.

 

Prologue: One Silent Night…

     Once upon a time, in the first year of the Christian Lord[1], on December 25 to be exact[2] a child was born[3] in the land of the chosen people.[4] This child’s name was Jesus H. Christ[5]

On the eve of Jesus’ birth a wizard name San, a giant named Ta: and an elf named Claus[6] all received a letter via messenger Phoenix which read, “You are cordially invited to the birth of Jesus H. Christ, the son of God, in the town of Bethlehem December 25, 1. Please bring a gift. No RSVP required”

Upon delivery of their message each Phoenix burst into flames and disintegrated into a nice, neat, pile of ashes[7]

The giant, Ta,who was the believer of the group[8], set out almost immediately for Bethlehem with an earth trembling skip and a wide, mostly toothless, smile[9]

Claus, who was an agnostic, read the invitation, shrugging with indifference. Perhaps there will be cake, he thought to himself as he packed up and prepared to leave.

San, the atheist of the group[10], read the invitation a couple of times, scoffing loudly and noticeably even though no one else was in the room.

“Whoa boy, God’s finally having another kid[11]. I hope he’s not as conceited as his father. I mean any wizard could do the burning bush trick and you don’t see us bragging about it and declaring ourselves the creators of everything.” San said indignantly, to an empty room. With a sneer he threw the invitation in the garbage. “He just wants another gift.”[12]

With the invitation discarded San slipped on his sleeping robe and crawled to bed, not wasting a single thought on the birth of Jesus.

The next morning as he was taking out the trash San noticed the invitation on the top of the garbage. He plucked the invitation out of the pile of take-out boxes and wizard ale cans, and with an exasperated thought said to himself, “I might as well go check it out. There could be women and cake.”

San was just about to teleport himself to Bethlehem when he remembered, “Oh right, I probably need a gift.” rummaged through his cupboards until he found some frankincense. “I guess that will work,” he said to himself before disappearing in a puff of smoke.

#

     Ta was the first of the three to arrive in Bethlehem. He stopped the first person he saw, who happened to be a little boy with a drum, and asked “Do you know where Jesus Christ is being born?”

“I believe it’s over there in that manger” said the little drummer boy, pointing to the east where a star had settled just above a ramshackle stable[13]

Ta followed the unusually bright star and arrived at the manger just in time to witness the birth of Jesus himself.[14]

A startled Ta let out an incredibly soft whimper as he set down the golden rattle he had brought for the little tike and made a quick exit.

On his way out he was met by a newly arrived Claus, who greeted him cheerfully.

“Hello, I have come for the birth of Jesus,” Claus, half-hearted holding up his gift of myrrh. He looked around for any sign of a cake, but didn’t see one.

“They’re a little busy at the moment,” Ta replied gruffly. He offered his monstrous hand, with surprisingly dainty fingers, to Claus. “I am Ta, son of Ja, son of Goliath, son of Herman…”

Claus attempted to shake Ta’s hand which proved difficult as it was almost large as him. “I’m Claus and I never met my father.”[15]

Claus and Ta stared awkwardly at each other. Claus set down his myrrh and smiled sheepishly at the giant.

There was a loud pop behind Ta and a pillar of smoke suddenly appeared

Seeing the smoke and connecting it with fire[16] Ta bellowed with fright and started to run away, flailing about with his massive arms and causing the ground to shake. Inside the manger a frightened baby Jesus started crying.

San emerged from the smoke and shouted, “Parlyzo!” hitting the giant with a paralyzing spell.

“Relax, it is simply a standard teleportation spell, there is no flame with this smoke.”

`    A paralyzed Ta looked at the wizard who gave him a reassuring nod. Ta nodded his head slightly in return and a satisfied San withdrew the paralyzing spell.

“I am the great wizard San. I have come to grace the Messiah with my presence and also a bag of frankincense.”   San held up the bag of frankincense, using a glamor spell to make it shine.

“I am Ta, son of Ja, son of Goliath…”

Claus quickly stepped forward, offering his hand, and interrupting Ta. “I am Claus, master toy maker and cobbler.” He took a business card out of his pocket and offered it to San, who took it begrudgingly and shoved it in one of his numerous robe pockets.

The introductions were interrupted as Joseph[17] emerged from the manger and announced. “Mary and her son are ready to receive guests”

“Finally,” San marched past Joseph, tossing him the bag of frankincense.

Ta gently put his hand on Claus’ shoulder as they both crossed the threshold of the manger, followed closely by Joseph.

Mary lay in a makeshift straw-bed, smiling brightly, with the newborn Jesus wrapped tightly in her arms. A ring of animals from the village had formed a circle around the child and his mother while a holy light engulfed them all.[18]

“Show off,” San whispered to himself, but just loudly enough he was sure God could hear him. Ta gave San a disapproving nudge and gestured for him to join the circle of animals. San reluctantly obliged as he, Ta and Claus huddled around the infant savior, smiling wide grins and giving him loving looks.

So this is the son of God,  a snide San thought  as he watched the baby disdainfully. Why did I put on my travel robe for this. He gave Mary a weak smile as she looked up at him. [19]

I’m so glad I could see the birth of the son of God. Ta, thought as he watched the babe with great enthusiasm. He looked down at the baby and smiled brightly. He thought he saw the baby smile back at him, but it was probably his imagination.

I wonder where everyone else is, Claus thought, as he  scanned the manger for signs of  other guests .  There’s not very much ceremony for the birth of the so-called savior of mankind.[20] His faced drooped as his hope that there might be women and cake slowly dissipated. What a disappointment, he thought.

“Well this has been fun,” San said, right before disappearing in a puff of smoke.

Claus, Ta, Joseph and Mary awkwardly stared at the cloud of smoke, and then each other. After a few silent minutes Mary nudged Joseph and gave him a demanding look.

“You are both welcome to stay the night.” Joseph said with little enthusiasm as Mary smiled an awkward smile.

“No, thank you. I better get back home. It’s one of my childrens’ birthday tomorrow[21]” Ta slowly backed out of the door, bumping his head as he went. A grunt was heard and then his lumbering footsteps slowly receded away

Claus smiled timidly at his hosts, who were looking at him expectantly, and shrugged. “Sure, I’ll stay.”

“Joseph, go get our guest some blankets.” Mary said authoritatively as she shot her husband a commanding look.

Joseph’s reply was a sigh as he begrudgingly trudge off in search of some bedding, leaving Claus, Mary and the newborn Jesus alone.

Claus smiled nervously at Mary as she held Jesus close to her breast and allowed him to breastfeed. Trying not to appear like he was leering Claus stared up at the ceiling.

Joseph soon returned and tossed Claus a woolen blanket and a pillow made of straw, pointing to an empty stall and saying “You can sleep there.”

Claus smiled timidly in response and said nothing as he headed towards the indicated stall, settling in for a long, awkward, and silent night.

 

 

Footnotes
[1] He’s not everyone’s lord. In fact, I don’t particularly care for the guy myself.
[2] Ok, maybe not exactly because the concept of December had not been created yet. It is also heavily debated on whether it happened in Winter or Spring. I’m going with Winter because that is the commonly held belief. My editor, Paul, disagrees.
[3] Actually, many children were born, but for the sake of the narrative, we will focus on one in particular.
[4] They were chosen mostly by themselves
[5] No one knows what the H. stands for. It could be “Harold,” after God’s favorite bartender or even “Hermaphrodite”, after God’s two best friends Hermes and Aphrodite. Sadly, Jesus’ birth certificate, which was etched on a stone tablet, was destroyed by the ghost of Moses whose unfinished business  was continuing his work of destroying stone tablets.
[6] The apostle Luke later changed them all to men in his account of the nativity for simplicity’s sake.
[7] Phoenix ashes often fall in disorganized piles, but these were messenger phoenixes that had been well-trained.
[8] Ta had developed a strong belief in God after hearing the story of how he helped a young shepherd boy by the name of David kill his grandfather, Goliath.
[9] He mostly wanted an excuse to get away from his 200 kids.
[10] San knew God existed. In fact, he had even met God on a few occasions at Harold’s Tavern in Bethlehem, where they were both regulars. San just didn’t believe God had created the universe.  San theorized that the universe was created by a giant explosion of matter. He would later explain this to his buddy Fred Hoyle who dubbed it the “Big Bang Theory”
[11] It is a little-known fact that Jesus actually had an older sister, but because she was female she didn’t get much press. The story of Samantha Christ is covered in a different volume.
[12] The invitations were never actually intended for Ta, or the other two “wise men”, but due to a clerical error by God’s angelic receptionist Tobias, who had been sampling the heavenly wine pretty heavily, they had received the invitations meant for the archangels Michael, Gabriel, and Raphael. For nearly a century the archangels  were justifiably miffed at God for the perceived slight, despite his frequent apologies and explanations.  Lucifer’s invitation was also lost in the mail, but odds are he wasn’t going to show up anyways.
                As punishment for his mistake God turned Tobias into a star and forced him to lead the three unwelcome guests to Bethlehem. Little did God know that Tobias had always secretly wished to be a star, and so it was more of a reward than a punishment for the star-struck angel.
[13] Mary and her husband Joseph were forced to stay there because of a shepards’ convention had booked up all the hotels. The drummer, Aaron, had come from playing the Shepards’ Ball, which was a pretty major sausage fest as there have never been very many female Shepards.
[14] Despite having 200 children of his own, Ta had never actually seen childbirth due to all his children being born during a major sporting event. Jesus’ birth was a completely new experience to him. In his autobiography “Small Musings by a Large Giant” he would describe it as, “beautiful, but also slightly scary.”
[15] This is common within the elf community as the fast-paced nature of elf mating makes it hard to determine who exactly fathered which elf.
[16] Fire is a giant’s second biggest fear after being naked in public on a tricycle.
[17] Joseph was oddly cool about raising another man’s child until he ran off with Jezebella, a prostitute from New Babylon.
[18] The animals had not received invitations like the Three Wise Men, but had followed the trail of food left for them by a couple of Culinary Angels.
[19]  San had also met Mary a few times at Harold’s Tavern and even tried to hit on her, but was put off by her constantly talking about being a virgin. She did not appear to recognize him or if she did she was doing a good job of pretending not to.
[20] The underwhelming reception of Jesus neither increased nor decreased his belief in God as he was apathetic to the matter entirely.
[21] It was actually 25 of his children  who had birthdays the next day, but it’s hard to keep track when you have 200 of them.