A Brief History of Santa Claus, Incorporated: Chapter 24

Previous Chapters:


Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23


Chapter 24: The Replacements

It was the day after Christmas 3152 and the Santa Council had gathered one last time. San’s immortality spell was starting to wear pretty thin and the potency of San’s Wonderful Anti-aging Cream had decreased significantly so they all looked pretty haggard.

They had all gathered in the toy shop to watch the android Santas[1], that were to be their replacements, roll of the assembly line.

Jack Frost had come up with the idea when the demand for toys became too much for the current crew. Since expanding to Mars Santa Claus, Inc had also expanded to Uranus, Pluto and even outside your solar system and the workload had become too much. The elves had already been replaced by machines, but now it was time for all the Santas to retire. They had chosen Spencer Chang, a descendant of Scott Chang to run the day to day operation and he would pass it on to his kid when he grew too old and so forth[2]

The Santas watched with detached interest as the Robo-Santas came fully formed off the assembly line, greeting them with a robotic chorus of “Ho, Ho, Ho”

“They need something,” Claus said quietly.

“Like what?” Ta asked.

“I don’t know,” Claus replied.

Suddenly a bright light filled the room as I descended from the heavens and spoke, “They need some Christmas spirit.”

Everyone in the room jumped at my arrival.

“Do not be afraid. I am Tobias, the Christmas Angel.”

“The Christmas Angel?” San asked skeptically

“Yes, after I accidentally sent San, Ta, Claus, and Martin invitations to Jesus’ birth…” Everyone turned to him in surprise. He simply shrugged.

“…God assigned me the task of look over you and helping you in your mission to give children gifts on Jesus’ birthday.”

“Then how come we have never met you before?” San asked

“After my mistake, God turned me into a star and I only had enough energy to give myself physical form once, but I have been watching over you since the beginning.” San gave me a suspicious look but said nothing.

“Alright then help us,” Claus said.

“Alright, I have just enough energy to give all these replacements Santas the Christmas spirit before I become a star again,” I explained

“Then do it,” San exclaimed impatiently.

And so I did and as I drifted away back towards the heavens I saw the Robo-Santas light up with life and their cheeks grow rosy-red.”

That is my story, long, but true of Santa Claus, who was not just one man, but many men (and women, and elves, and wizards) working together to give children presents on Christmas, that most sacred of holidays. I hoped you enjoyed my account of the Santa myth and to all a Merry Christmas and a wonderful night


Tobias, the Christmas Angel


[1] Modeled after the android Matilda and made to look like the traditional version of Santa Claus.
[2] San no longer had the juice to give anyone immortality.


Well that does it for this Christmas adventure. I hope you guys all enjoyed it and thanks for reading. I wish everyone a happy new year and see you in 2018



A Brief History of Santa Claus, Incorporated: Chapter 23

Previous Chapters:


Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22


Chapter 23: The Forgotten Wiseperson

So far, I have only mentioned three wise men: San, Ta, and Claus, but there was originally supposed to be four.

While Michael, Gabriel, and Raphael’s invitations all went to the wrong parties so did Lucifer’s, God’s rebellious prodigal son. Odds are Lucifer wouldn’t have made it to Jesus’ birthday, but God wanted to include him anyway.

The invitation that was meant for Lucifer actually went to a Martian named Margaret.  Margaret took one look at the invitation he had been given to him by a phoenix, who simply coughed up a lung and died instead of disintegrating into a neat pile of ashes[1]and promptly threw it in the garbage, telling herself, wisely, that it was too long of a trip.

Centuries past. Margaret and the Martian race lived peacefully alone on the planet Mars, keeping their existence hidden from mankind and whatever probes they sent.[2]

The Martian seclusion lasted until the mid-22nd Century when humans became bored with the moon and decided to explore the next nearest heavenly body and so an expedition, led by Colonel Hamas B. Wellington, was mounted for the planet Mars.

The Martians were not particularly happy to see Wellington’s ship, The Gigantic[3] but decided to greet them anyways.

The Martian council, which Margaret was a part of, were there when the USS Gigantic landed on their surface with three fingers raised[4]

As Colonel Wellington stepped out of his spaceship the Martian Council nodded in greeting. The leader of the council, Margaret’s uncle Dax, who had learned to speak English from watching earth television programs said, “Welcome to Mars Earthlings.”

A surprised Colonel Wellington pulled his gun, aiming it squarely at Dax.

“There is no need to your weapons here,” Dax said soothingly as he used his mental powers to melt Wellington’s gun, causing it to pool on the Martian soil

Wellington watched wide-eyed as his gun became a simple liquid puddle. He stared wide-eyed at Dax and the other Martian. Dax approached him and put a comforting hand on his shoulder.

“Do not be afraid. We do not wish you harm, perhaps we can discuss things at George’s Tavern[5] “Dax said. Wellington looked at the Martian skeptically but nodded in agreement.

The two leaders proceeded to George’s Tavern where they then got plastered and discussed a peace between their people. They eventually settled on a treaty that was written up by Margaret, who had the most beautiful handwriting in all of Mars and signed in the semen of both of the signers[6]

The Martians agreed to share Mars with the humans. The humans could build cities aboveground while the Martians would continue to live in their underground cities. In return the human agreed to stay out of Martian affairs and not to mate with Martians[7]


And so, a peace was accorded between the two races, which was good for them, but not so good for Santa Claus, Incorporated.

The colonization of Mars and the revelation that there was indeed life on Mars presented a huge problem for them. How would they get toys to Mars? Constructing another space-sleigh would take too many resources and it was too far to teleport toys even if they found a suitable Santa. After much discussion, they decided to skip Mars altogether.

While this was a sound business decision, the Martians, who had heard about Santa Claus from the Earth settlers, were not happy about this.

After many years of this, Dax finally called an emergency meeting of the Martian Council.

“We need to do something about this Santa situation. Our kids have grown unhappy and keep asking if Santa is going to come this year.” Dax announced as he called the meeting to order, quieting the council

“What if we kidnap Santa?” suggested Balthazar, Margaret’s older brother[8], which sent a murmur through the council chamber.

Margaret, who had never said anything in a council meeting and was only on the council because of her uncle, cleared her throat and began to speak, “Perhaps we could go talk to this Santa Claus, he seems like a reasonable man.” The murmuring died down and the entire Martian council stared at Margaret, surprised at her sudden outburst.

Dax contemplated Margaret’s words, rubbing his cheeks in thought. “You may be right my niece. Maybe we should send you as an emissary to this Santa Claus. If that doesn’t work then we will go with Balthazar’s plan”


Margaret landed her ship not far from Claus’ new state-of-the-art ice palace which was breathtaking in both its size and the way it lit up in the winter sunlight.

This must be the place,” She thought to herself as she tentatively approached the front entrance and rapped rapidly and nervously on the door. The door swooshed open and revealed an android duplicate of Matilda[9]

“Hello, how may I help you?” The robot asked pleasantly[10]

“I am here to see Santa Claus.”

“Right this way,” Robo-Matilda said as she led Margaret up the stairs to Claus’ office.

She knocked on the door, opened it and announced: “You have a visitor Mr. Claus.”

“Thank you, Matilda,”   called Claus, whose voice had succumbed to the raspiness of old age despite the anti-aging cream and the immortality spell,

Margaret entered the office. Claus spun around in his chair, taking Margaret by surprise. He expected the typical Santa Claus that the humans had been described to her and her fellow Martians and instead he got a short elf with white hair.

“You’re Santa Claus?” Margaret asked.

“Well, I’m one of them,” Claus answered

“What?” Martian asked

Claus sighed with annoyance. “Never mind, just tell me what you want.”

“I am Margaret. I am a member of the Martian Council and I have been sent here to convince you to come to Mars. If you do not agree then you will be taken by force.”

“Whoa, hold-up. No need for that. I’m sure we can come up with some sort of agreement.”

“I hope so because my brother won’t be as nice as me.”

“Ok, Ok.” Claus thought for a long second, “Have you ever thought about just creating your own Santa?”

“No, I guess not.”

“Why not?”

“The idea just never came up.”

“What about you?”

“What about me?”

‘What if we train you to be the Santa for Mars and supply you with your own workshop and sleigh so you can do it.”


“Why not?”

Margaret thought about this, rubbing her cheeks. “I guess that would work.”

“Good. It’s a deal then.” Claus said proudly as he got up to shake Margaret’s hand.


[1] The trip through space had been hard on the Phoenix.
[2] This was easy as Martians live in vast underground cities.
[3] Which was misnomer has it wasn’t all that big
[4] The typical Martian greeting.
[5] A different one than earlier, but owned by the same George who had been abducted by Martians centuries early and had even settled down with a Martian wife and had Martian/Human kids. He had also attempted to run for governor of Mars but lost by a large margin.
[6] A Martian tradition. The origin is unknown.
[7] This rule was quickly broken, by human and Martian alike.
[8] He would have received the invitation to Jesus birth if he had been home instead of Margaret
[9] The original had committed suicide many years ago, blaming each member of Santa Claus Incorporated, particularly Claus, in her note.
[10] Claus had made the wise decision not to program the robot with Matilda’s personality.

A Brief History of Santa Claus, Incorporated: Chapter 22

Previous Chapters:


Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22: Santa on the Moon


Early in the 21st century[1] man landed on the moon for the 7th time[2]

It wasn’t one of the usual suspects like the United States, Russian, China or even North Korea, to land on the moon, but the French, who had been secretly creating a space program while all the other nations were fighting WWIII[3]. The French almost immediately gave up the moon to Germany who had also been secretly developing a space program and wanted to annex the moon in the name of their new Fuhrer, an Austrian named Schwarzenegger.

What followed was almost a full decade of strive over possession of the moon, until a rare mineral that could solve all of Earth’s energy problems was found and the nations of the world agreed on a peace treaty so they could mine the moon for this mineral known as Anusium.

Soon the moon was peppered with mines and mining villages, which soon turned into small cities to house all the miners and their minors[4] Almost the whole moon[5]was soon covered by a bubble city known as Moon City that had a  population of around a million.


The emergence of Moon City proved to be a problem for Santa Claus, Incorporated. They wanted to get toys to all the children of the world[6], but they weren’t sure if the moon technically counted as part of the world and how they would get all the presents there.

They tried a space-sleigh for a couple years, but it required a whole lot of Anusium and it was hard to get in and out of the bubble without being caught[7]

Another problem was that the time spell that they had used since the beginning was not powerful enough to reach the moon, so they brought in Autumn, but it still wasn’t powerful enough. They even had to bring in Summer, much to the chagrin of Winter and Autumn. This seemed to work, but the moon was still a hefty problem for Santa Claus, Inc.


Finally, in the year 2132, the Santa council decided to have a meeting to solve their moon problem once and for all.

“We can’t get going like this,” Claus announced as the meeting was called to order.

“What are we supposed to do?” Kris asked.

“We need a Santa for the moon.” Harry Christmas chimed in.

“Even if we do he still has to fly to the moon.” Claus reminded Harry.

“Not necessarily. What if we teleport all the toys to the Santa on the moon and he can deliver them.”

“Does the teleporter work?” Claus asked, turning to Jarvis, the main technology guy


“But we still have a problem with the time spell not being powerful enough.” San piped up.

“I’ve been working on something to help with that,”  Jarvis announced as he stood up and produced a shiny metal orb for everyone to see.

“I call this the time orb. All the wizards have to do is say their time spell into it and we can send it to the Santa on the moon. All they have to do it press this button…” Jarvis paused to indicate a red button on top of the orb. “and he’ll have an instant timestop.”

“Are you sure it will work?” Winter asked.

“I..umm. Haven’t tested it yet, but we’ll see.”

“Well, you better start testing it. In the meantime, I think we better start looking for a new Santa to handle our moon operation.”

“I’ll start looking for suitable candidates,” Hattie announced as she set off to do just that.


And so the long and arduous search for a new Santa began. San, Ta, and Claus interviewed 1000s of potential candidates, erasing each of their memories when the found them unsuitable.

The three founders of Santa Claus, Incorporated were about to give up hope when Scott Chang walked through the door.

Scott Chang was a third-generation inhabitant of the moon, his grandfather being one of the original moon miners and his grandmother being a Moon Woman from the tribe of Moonmen on the dark side of the moon.

He strolled into the room with all the fake bravado he could muster, smiling as widely as he could manage.  “I hope I get this job,” He thought to himself.

“Hello gentlemen,” he said simply as he took a seat.

“Why do you want to join Santa Claus, Inc?” Claus asked, getting straight to the point.

“I want the opportunity to make an impact on the world,” Scott lied[8]

“Where do you see yourself in five years?” San asked.

“Delivering kids to all the girls and boys of the moon,” Stephen replied, making direct eye contact with all three of his interviewers and projecting untold amounts of confidence which he didn’t actually have.

“What are you looking for in terms of salary?” Ta asked.

“Nothing really. My grandfather left me enough money to live on. I just need something to keep me occupied.” All the interviewer’s eyes widened at Scott’s answer. All the other interviewees had asked for absorbent fees to join the crew, but here was a man who was willing to do it for free

They leaned in together discussing Stephen in whispers and then turned back to him.

“You’re hired,” Claus announced.

“Great, “Scott replied, holding back his surprise and the smile trying to creep onto his face. “When can I start?”

“Right now,” San replied shoving a bag of toys into Scott’s arms.


[1] About 15-20 years from now depending on when you are reading this.
[2] or 1st if you believe the conspiracy theories, which I don’t because I was at the first moon landing.
[3] The North Pole was a neutral country except for one skirmish: The Third Battle of Reindeer Ridge.
[4] Wife  and kids
[5] except for a small part of its dark side where a tribe of Moonmen lived
[6] Which was already a problem for Santa Claus, Inc which now had a Santa for every country including Santo Clos from Mexico, Ded Moroz from Russian, and many others, whose stories maybe be told in the third book A Briefest History of Santa Claus, Incorporated.
[7] In fact, Owen was almost arrested by the Moon Police during one of his Christmas runs.
[8] The truth was he just didn’t want to end up a lifelong miner like his grandfather, father, uncles and brothers and his butch aunt Meredith.



A Brief History of Santa Claus, Incorporated: Chapter 21

Previous Chapters:


Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15


Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20


Chapter 21: The Distant Cousin

Hattie Sunloom sat impatiently in the office of Ernest Woodruff president of the Polar Bear Cola Company, which unbeknownst to her, and the world at large was actually a subsidiary of Santa Claus, Incorporated[1]

Also unbeknownst to Hattie, she was a distant cousin of the Noel family. It was because of this and her skill as an artist that she was sitting in front of Mr. Woodruff

Mr. Woodruff furrowed his brow as he looked at the artwork Hattie had just handed to him which depicted a short, youngish Santa Claus with pointy ears and a salt and pepper mustache which look remarkably like Claus’ brother Kagel.

“They look very nice, but I’m not a big fan of the elven ears. I was thinking something more in line with Clement Clark Moore’s “A Visit from Saint Nicholas”[2]

“But I hate that poem. Besides, I’m Jewish I don’t even know why I agreed to an assignment for a holiday I don’t even celebrate.”

“Because it can make you lots of money.If you don’t like it we could always give the assignment to your ex-husband Norman Rockwell.”

“No, that won’t be necessary,” Hattie said suddenly, snatching the artwork from Mr. Woodruff.

“I will make up some more artwork right away.” She announced as she gathered up her things and abruptly left the building in a huff.

Woodruff smiled to himself, watching her go. I knew mentioning her ex-husband would be sure to light a fire under her, he thought to himself.


That night Hattie worked feverishly on some new artwork, staying up long past a sensible hour as she tossed draft after draft into the trash. Finally, blurry eyed and on the verge of passing out looked at the picture she had just drawn in the dawn sunlight. It was a decent depiction of an old plump Santa with a decent beard raiding someone’s fridge.

That will do,” She thought to herself as she put the final touches on the picture.

She smiled as she looked at her latest creation and whispered, “Norman couldn’t do any better.”

She signed the pictures with her pen name “Haddon Sundbloom” and went into her room where she slumped into bed and visions of Santa drinking Sugar Plum Fairy urine danced around her head.


The next morning Hattie went to deliver the picture personally to Mr. Woodruff and went into his office to find he was waiting for her along with Claus, Ta, and San.

Being a normal human Hattie had never seen a giant, a wizard or an elf before and was caught off-guard.

“Who are you?” she asked, aghast.

Everyone looked to Claus who shrugged and began, “We are the founders of Santa Claus, INC and we have come here, partly at the suggestion of your distant cousins the Noels to offer you a job.

“Who are you?” Hattie asked again, still in shock.

Claus let out an annoyed huff and tried to explain, “The person you know as Santa Claus is actually an organization of people and we are its head”

Hattie looked around the room skeptically.  “What?”

Claus sighed exasperatedly “Never mind. We are here because our former head of PR, Clement Clarke Moore, has decided to retire unexpectedly and we need someone to replace him.”

“You mean the guy who wrote the stupid poem?”


There was a long pause. “Of course, if you don’t want the job we can always ask your ex-husband Norman.”

“That won’t be necessary.” Hattie blurted out, uncertainly shaking Claus’ hand.  “I’ll take the job.”



[1] It was started as a way to make more money to help Santa Claus, INC cover the increasing toymaking costs. In fact, the popular soft drink is purely the urine of sugar plum fairies, bottled and sold to an unsuspecting public. Due to a contractual loophole, the sugar plum fairies were also able to sell their tears to a rival soda company and their semen to yet another rival company. The rapid harvesting of fluid from sugar plum fairies is probably why they are now close to extinction.
[2] Moore’s poem had actually been commissioned and approved by Santa Claus, INC much like pretty much every depiction of Santa, aside from the movie “Santa versus the Martians”

A Brief History of Santa Claus, Incorporated: Chapter 15

Hey everyone. I meant to have all these chapters up by now, but due to a personal illness I was unable to meet that goal, but I’m going to try and make up for lost time and hopefully get the entire series up by the end of the year. I hope you guys have been enjoying the story so far and enjoy the rest.

Tim Miller


Previous Chapters:


Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14


Chapter 15: The Babe in the woods

Many, many years after his induction into Santa Claus, INC old Saint Nick was taking a walk in the forest to the west of Claus’ castle.

“I’ll never get used to this body,” Nick remarked to himself as he stopped for yet another breath and looked down at his rotund belly with disgust.

“Why did they have to make me so fat?’

Nick’s complaints were interrupted by a strange noise coming from a westerly direction, further into the woods.

“That sounds like a baby crying,” Nick said out loud as he started in the direction of the noise.

Nick followed the noise to its source: a small baby, bundled up in a red and white blanket and lying underneath a large pine tree. Nick looked at the baby in puzzlement and looked around.

“Hello?” Is this your baby?” He called out, but the only answer was the wind whistling through the tree branches

Nick took one last look around, but once he determined no one was around, he bent down and picked up the baby.

“It’s ok little guy, I’ve got you now,” Nick said soothingly as he began to rock it back and forth. The baby’s cries turned into a cooing noise.

“Ho, Ho, Ho,” Nick laughed boisterously, causing the baby to shriek in fear.

“Ok, Ok, I’m sorry. It’s ok.” Claus whispered soothingly as he cradled the baby and began to walk back towards Claus’ castle.


“Where did you find this baby?” Claus asked as the last of the Santa Council filed into the grand hall for an emergency meeting Saint Nicholas had called.

“I found him in the woods, underneath a pine tree.”

Krampus shifted nervously in his chair as all eyes in the room fell upon him.

“I didn’t have anything to do with it,” Krampus protested, but the other Santas raised their eyebrows suspiciously.

“Ok, ok, I may have left him there for a snack later.” This received disgusted gasps.

“What? I’m a demon. I eat babies. This one just happened to be a twin and I was too full after the first one, so I put him by the tree to eat later.”[1]  Krampus shirked under the continued scolding looks of disgust.

“Don’t look at me like that. You all know what I do on my vacations.” Everyone reluctantly nodded.

“What are we going to do with him?” Saint Nick asked

“Well I’m not terribly hungry, but I suppose I could eat,” Krampus offered.

“No,” Claus interjected, “I say we find a nice family for him.”

“Uncle…” Jarvis spoke up timidly.

“Yes?” Claus asked, turning to Jarvis.

“What if my and I wife take him?”

“An elf raising a human?” San asked incredulously

“Why not?”

“I don’t know…”

“Come on, what will it hurt?”

“Ok, but if he becomes too much then we will find a human family for him,” Claus consented

“I promise I will take good care of him,” Jarvis said with a giant grin on his face.

“What is the baby’s name Krampus?” Claus asked

“I don’t know, but I snatched him from the town of Kris Kringle.”

“Then we shall call him Kris Kringle.”



Kris grew up at the North Pole amongst the elf, becoming a strong young man and an excellent toymaker. While he was happy at the North Pole and loved his adoptive parents Jarvis and Lizer[2] there was always a part of him that longed to know where he came from.

One night, not long after his 18th birthday[3]Kris apprehensively entered Claus’ office.

“Come in Kris, have a seat,” Claus said joyously as he looked up from checking the naughty list and gestured for Kris to take a seat.

“Thank you, uncle Claus,” Kris said nervously

“Why are you so nervous?” Claus asked

“I have come to ask a favor.”

“Go ahead name it, you know you can ask me anything.”

“I wish to travel to the town where I was born to find my real parents,” Kris said, avoiding looking directly at his uncle.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes,” Kris replied confidently, looking up at Claus.

“Hmm..” Claus stroked his chin, pondering this.

“Please, I just want to know who they were,” Kris looked at his uncle with pleading eyes

“Very well then. You may go. “Claus finally said after a long pause.

“Thank you, Uncle Claus,” Kris practically shouted as he rose from his seat and hugged the elf, lifting him off his chair.

“I will allow you to take one reindeer and you must go to the Master Woodsman[4] in the Wintergreen Forest and he will make you a flying sleigh for your travel.

“Thank you,” Kris said once again as he left Claus’ office, a lightness to his step/


That night Kris, along with his new companion, Pepe the reindeer, found themselves lost in the Evergreen Forest. Kris looked around frantically for the hut of the Woodsman, but he could hardly see in the pitch darkness of the forest. A sudden chill filled the air, causing him and Pepe to shiver incessantly. He pulled to reindeer close to keep them warm and they continued to trudge through the snow.

“Perhaps I should have waited until the morning,” Kris said to Pepe, who only shrugged.

Suddenly a maniacal cackling echoed through the trees surrounding them.

Kris’ eyes widened with fear as he turned to Pepe and asked, “What was that?” Pepe shook his head, his whole body trembling with fear.

Something flashed by Kris and Pepe, causing them to jump in fright.

“Who’s there?” Kris called shakily.

“It is I, the Evergreen Witch,” a raspy and putrid voice screeched, “and you are trespassing on my land.”

“I am dreadfully sorry Ms. Witch,” Kris apologized, “I was only looking for the Master Woodsman”

“Why would you be looking for that old fool,” the voice demanded

“He is to build me a sleigh so I can go visit the town of Kris Kringle”

“You will not make it to Kris Kringle…” The voice snarled, devolving into a bought of lunatic guffaws.

The Evergreen Witch, a stout, hideous creature with green pockmarked skin, a hook nose, a burning red eye, appeared before Kris and Pepe. Hatred radiated off her body and seemed to warm them despite the wintry cold.

“You will pay for trespassing on my property,” she roared as she raised her wand.

Something silver glinted in the moonlight as it flew right over Kris’ shoulder and struck the witch, causing her to drop her wand.

“Begone Witch, this is not your property,” a commanding voice thundered as Kris turned to see a giant man in a robe made of out leaves and reindeer antlers on his head running towards them.

“You may have won this time Master Woodsman, but I shall return,” Evergreen grumbled as she disappeared back into the forest.

The Master Woodsman approached the spot where Evergreen had been and picked up the silver object: a shiny ax.

“Are you the Master Woodsman?” Kris asked

“Yes, I am the Master Woodsman” The man replied

“I am Kris Kringle, Claus sent me to get a sleigh from you so I can go to the town of my birth.”

“Oh yes. Well it is much too late for me to make your sleigh now as I was just about to go to bed, but if you stay the night with me I will make you a sleigh tomorrow morning and you can be on your way.”

“Thank you, sir. I hope I am not intruding on you.”

“Of course not, I welcome guests. I get’s very lonely here in the Evergreen Forest.”[5]


And so, Kris and Pepe spend the night in the Master Woodsman’s hut and in the morning, he awakened to find the Master Woodsman had already made his sleigh for him.

“Thank you for everything,” Kris said to The Master Woodsman as he climbed into the sleigh, grabbing the reins that were now connected to Pepe and snapping them.

“Goodbye, my young friend and good luck.” Nok, the Master Woodsman called has Kris’ sleigh took off, head for Kris Kringle.

Kris arrived in the small town of Kris Kringle around sunset the next day, landing in the woods just outside town. He quickly got out of the sleigh, covering it up with nearby branches. “We don’t want someone stealing our ride home.” He said to Pepe.

“Don’t worry. I’ll be back.” He whispered to the reindeer as he tied his reins to a nearby tree “Watch the sleigh for me.”

Pepe laid down on the ground and sulked, awaiting his master’s return.

Kris stepped out of the woods and into town, admiring the small wooden houses and stores all around him and the people hustling and bustling about. Kris had been to a couple human towns before with St. Nicholas, but if was different to see the buildings in the daylight, not to mention the townspeople who were normally sleeping when he and Saint Nicholas came to town.

Kris put on a bright smile and skipped merrily through town. The adults who saw him glared, perhaps angry at Kris for daring to be so joyful, but the children he encountered stared in wonderment and curiosity.

Kris smiled a jolly smile at the children and handed out toys he had made to bring for all the children.

One of the mothers scowled at Kris and reproached him, “What are you doing? Don’t you know that toys are illegal in Kris Kringle”?

“What? By whose authority?” Kris asked

“By order of Baron von Grinch,” The mother said matter-of-factly.

“Where is this Baron von Grinch? I must speak to him immediately.” Kris said.

“He lives in that castle over there,” The woman replied, pointing to a looming castle in the distance.

“I shall speak to him at once.”

“Good, go speak to him and leave us alone” replied the woman grumpily as she hastily ushered her kids away from Kris, forcing them to drop their toys right there on the street.

With a sorrowful wave to the children, Kris set out for the Baron’s castle.


He arrived at the Baron’s castle and was stopped at the door by the guards. The Baron’s right-hand man, Heinrich  Wonky, a tall, muscular, but shrewd-looking man was there to greet him.

“State your business with the Baron?”  Wonky ordered

“I am here to speak to him in regards to his ban on toys,” Kris replied

“His ban on toys has already been thoroughly discussed and there is no need for further discussion.”

“Please, I only wish for a moment of his time.”

“Alright, but only a moment” Wonky eyed Kris warily, but ushered him into the Baron’s castle, and lead him before Baron von Grinch, who sat on his throne, gnawing on a drumstick leftover from the evening’s dinner.

“What do you want?” Baron von Grinch bellowed as Kris and Wonky approached. The baron was a disgustingly obese man with balding black hair and small beady little eyes that looked like flecks of coal.

Beside Baron von Grinch stood his daughter Maria, a beautiful woman with shimmering golden hair and dazzling blue eyes that immediately entranced Kris. She looked radiant in her white fur robe and smiled warmly as she served her father another plate of food. Baron von Grinch hastily grabbed the plate, putting his turkey leg down so he could shovel more food into his face

Kris stared up at Maria, grinning softly.  She glanced at him, but averted his, gaze her, cheeks turning rosy red.

“I simply wish to talk to you about the toy ban.” Kris stammered.

“There is nothing to discuss,” Baron von Grinch hollered.

“Father, please hear the man out. I have not seen him before in the village. He must have come a long way.,” Maria said soothingly, giving Kris a faint smile.

“Yes, I have. I have come from the North Pole.”

The Baron let out a snort of derision, “The North Pole? The North Pole? If you come from the North Pole then you probably know jolly old Saint Nick.”

“Yes I do. I know him very well.” Kris replied enthusiastically

“Then you can ask him why I never received the toy duck I wanted for Christmas when I was five.”

“Is that why you banned all toys in Kris Kringle?” Maria asked incredulously, giving her father a disapproving look.

“Yes, If I cannot have the toy I want then neither can the kids of Kris Kringle.”

Kris cleared his throat and looked directly at the Baron.

“If I talk to Saint Nicholas and get you the toy duck then will you lift the ban?” He asked.

The Baron thought about this for a long while, scratching the hair off his already thinning head. “I suppose I will if you can get me that toy duck.” He eventually replied certain Kris could not fulfill his bargain.

“What is your name stranger?” Wonky asked

Kris thought about the answer hard before answering. He knew he couldn’t use the name Kris Kringle so instead, he simply said, “Scott Calvin”

“Return quickly Scott Calvin for I am not a very patient man.” Von Grinch snarled.

“Yes sir,” Kris replied as he gave the Baron a bow and Maria a gentle smile, causing her to blush. Von Grinch watched his daughter with his suspicious, beady, coal eyes, but said nothing.


Kris returned to the woods and his sleigh. At the sight of Kris Pepe leaped up, nearly strangling himself on the rope that was tied to him and toppling over in excitement.

. “Easy boy,” Kris helped untangle the rope and smiled at Pepe. “I have only come to retrieve something”

In the sleigh, Kris retrieved the magic snowball he had been given by Winter before leaving the North Pole. It allowed him to speak to anyone at the North Pole. He rubbed it and said, “I wish to talk to Claus.” Within seconds Claus’ face appeared in the snowball.

“Hello, Kris. How are things in Kris Kringle?

“Not very well Uncle Claus. I tried to hand out toys, but I found out the Baron has put a ban on toys.”

“Oh no.”

“Yes, he claims Santa Claus never gave him the toy duck he wanted so now he’s punishing all the other children.”

“What is the name of this Baron?”

“Baron von Grinch.”

From a drawer in his desk, Claus drew out a giant red book and flopped it down on his desk, hard. With a grunt of exertion, he opened the book and began flipping through the pages.

“Ulrich von Grinch?”

“I don’t know. I guess”

“He did ask Santa for a toy duck almost fifty years ago, but the toy was lost. By the time we realized the mistake it was already too late.”

“Can you make another one?”

“Yes, certainly. It should be quite easy to make. I will have it made and San can teleport it to you shortly.”

“Thank you, Uncle Claus.”

Kris sat down to wait by his sleigh with Pepe the reindeer, patting his head. “I guess I’m going to be staying here with you for a little bit.”

Two hours later there was a slight pop and a black toy duck materialized out of thin air with a note pinned to it that said “A very Late Christmas present to Ulrich von Grinch from Santa Claus”

Kris immediately snapped the toy up and giving Pepe, a good luck rub under his chin before setting out at a brisk jog for the Baron’s castle.


The Baron was surprised to see Kris return, as was Maria, who gave him a flirtatious smile and shifted nervously, causing the Baron to squint his eyes and glower at Kris.

“Have you brought me my toy?” Baron von Grinch demanded

“Yes,” Kris replied plainly pulling out the duck from the pocket of his jacket and presenting it to the Baron.

A girlish giggle of delight escaped the Baron’s lips and he blushed, embarrassed.

“Wonky?” He bellowed, a little too boisterously to compensate for his girlish giggle.

Wonky appeared right beside the Baron. “Yes, your majesty.”

“Prepare a feast and go to the town and tell the townspeople that the ban on toys has been lifted.”

“Right away sir.” Wonky exited to make arrangements.

“You must feast with us, Scott Calvin.” The Baron said to Kris

“Umm.. I don’t know….” Kris said hesitantly

“Please, it would be a great honor,” Maria interjected, smiling brightly at Kris.

“Ok,” Kris consented, returning Maria’s smile.

“Do you have anywhere to stay?” The Baron asked

“I was going to stay at the local inn,” Kris replied

“Nonsense, you can stay in this castle for as long as you like. You will be our honored guest.”

“Ok,” Kris relented

Maria smiled brightly and the Baron let out a whoop of joy as he scooped the black duck he had been given and looked at it lovingly as if there was nothing else in the world.[6].


Kris feasted merrily with the Von Grinchs that night and stayed for a while with them in their castle. He would journey each day to the woods to check on Pepe and the sleigh, but besides that he spent most of his time in at the Castle with Maria, who he would walk with during the day and sit around the fire with at night. He soon forgot about his quest to find his real parents and all his friends at the North Pole.

Finally, one night, Kris found himself sitting alone around the fireplace with Maria after Ulrich and Wonky had gone to bed. As they sat quietly Kris cleared his throat, apprehension apparent on his face in the soft glow of the fire.

“Maria?” Kris began.

“Yes, Scott?”

“I need to tell you something.”


Kris began to say the words, but as they were about to leave his tongue he leaned in and kissed Maria instead

His lips only met her briefly before grasping nothing but air as Maria withdrew from him.

“I’m sorry Scott. I should have told you, but I’m engaged to be married. My fiancé.is coming here tomorrow and we are to be married in two days.”

“Oh, I think I should go to bed,” Kris said quietly as he got up to leave. He looked back in hopes Maria would stop him, but she just smiled weakly at him.



The next morning Kris woke early to find the entire house in a state of frenzy.  Wonky and the servants were cleaning vigorously, making sure things looked good for Maria’s fiancé, Giorgio Noel II, the son of a prominent banker in the Republic of Genoa.[7]  while Maria hustled about, supervising everything. As he walked the halls he could hear the Baron singing joyfully in the tub “I love you, my ducky, I love you, my ducky…”

There was a loud knock at the door and Maria started to rush to open it, but Wonky stopped her.

“Allow me, madam,” He said as he marched towards the door, opening it. Giorgio, a tall man with long black hair, light bronze skin, and stunning brown eyes, stood in the doorway. When Kris looked into his eyes he almost fell in love with him himself.

“That’s your fiancé?” he whispered to Maria as Giorgio waltzed into Baron von Grinch’s castle like he owned the place[8]

“Yes,” Maria replied quietly, giving Kris a weak smile with just a hint of sympathy. Kris looked away from her, unable to handle her sympathy.

“You must be Scott Calvin,” Giorgio said warmly as he approached Maria and Kris and offered his hand. “Baron von Grinch has told me a lot about you.”

Kris politely shook Giorgio’s hand. “Maria was just telling me about you.”

“Oh, well it is a pleasure to meet you.”

“You too,” Kris replied weakly as he withdrew from the handshake and sulked off, leaving Giorgio and Maria alone.


That night, Kris, who knew he could not watch the woman he loved get married to another man, snuck out of Baron von Grinch’s castle and into the woods were Pepe and his sleigh awaited.

“Hello old friend,” Kris greeted Pepe with a gentle scratch on the chin. “What do you say we go home?” He asked.

Pepe practically flew off right then and there. Unlike Kris, he had not been having the greatest time. Sure he found a few forest deer to hump, but he longed to be back at the North Pole as he wished all the deer could be North Pole deer.

A heartbroken and sad Kris quickly loaded up his sleigh and left the town that was his namesake, never even finding out who his parents were.[9] He smiled sadly as he left, hopeful he might see Maria again someday…








[1] The other twin was a girl and in an alternate timeline, her brother was eaten instead and she began Kristina Kringle. Perhaps her story will be told in the sequel A Briefer History of Santa  Claus, Incorporated
[2] Not long after arriving at the North Pole Lizer had discovered her now ex-husband Jangle in a one-horse open sleigh with her sister Cindy and after divorcing him had married Jarvis., despite them being cousins.
[3] Going by the date he was discovered and not the actual birthdate as that could not be confirmed.
[4] The Master Woodsman was an old friend of Sinter’s who was very adept at making, whose real name is Nok, wooden objects with magical properties. He lives in the woods outside of the Claus’ Mansion and makes all the sleighs.
[5] It was even lonelier for the Master Woodsman now that he had broken up with his girlfriend, a ponderosa pine named Rosie. He had tried to date since then, but the dating pool was very low and the one date he did have, with the Evergreen Witch, had not gone well.
[6] In fact, he had shown more love to the duck than his own wife, which is probably why Maria’s mother left.
[7] Giorgio had even been childhood friends with Christopher Columbus, who had asked him to sail with him to the new world, but Giorgio had politely declined, endeavoring to take over the family business, Noel and Son Banking instead. He had however sent Christopher a celebratory stripper gram when he heard he had discovered the new world, but the stripper died of starvation and scurvy on the way to America. It was the thought that counted at least.
[8] Which he would in a few years after Baron von Grinch’s heart grew three sizes and exploded.
[9] If he would have stayed he would have found out that his mother died during childbirth and his father died not long after. He would have also discovered that Heinrich Wonky was his uncle on his father’s side. Alas, he did not stay so he didn’t learn any of this. It was probably for the best that he never met his parents as his dad would have beat him and his mom would have gotten drunk nightly and told him the family secrets which included the fact he may not be his father’s son, but perhaps Heinrich’s.

A Brief History of Santa Claus, Incorporated: Chapter 14

Previous Chapters:


Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13


Chapter 14: The Bishop of Myra

It was almost two weeks before Christmas and Claus had called a meeting, for you see all the members of Santa Claus, Inc had a problem

For almost three hundred years things had been going swimmingly for the Santas, but now the demand for toys was too high. The legend of Santa had spread too far and letters were coming in from all over

They all sat around the round table in the great hall of Claus’ castle[1]San, Ta, Claus, Winter, Sinter, Jack Frost, Jarvis, Loblaw, Randolph, Frosty, Owen, Yule the goat and St. Peter, each with their own plaque squarely in front of them.

Claus’ plaque read “COO” while Ta’s read “CEO”, San’s read CMO (Chief Magic Officer) which was preceded by Winter’s, Sinter’s and Jack Frost’s which said “Vice-CMO, Deputy CMO and Assistant CMO, respectively. Jarvis’ plaque read “Head Elf,” while his brother Loblaw’s read “ Chief Head of Security” and General Frosty’s read “Deputy Head of Security” Owen’s simply read “Snowman” as he had not really been given a position[2]. Randolph had a plaque that read, “Head of Transportation” while Yule had one that read, “Vice-Head of Transportation” finally St. Peter’s title was that of “Chief Religion Officer” and he was the middle-man between heaven and Santa Claus, INC[3]

The only one missing was Krampus, whose title was simply “Christmas Demon” and he was in charge of giving all the naughty children coal, punishing the really naughty one’s with a birch rod, and punishing the occasional naughty mom as well, but that was really for his own pleasure and not part of his assigned duties.

“Where’s Krampus?” Claus asked as he called the meeting to order.

“He probably hasn’t gotten back from his yearly vacation, trying to trick another poor mother out of her first-born child again,” St. Peter replied.

“That’s fine. We’ll just do this meeting without him.”  Everyone else nodded their agreement.

“I have called this meeting because I think it’s time we recruit another member to our team of toy deliverers,” Claus announced. A slight murmur filled the room

“The toy load has become too much for Ta, Peter, and I, and I think we need at least one more sleigh and driver for this year.”

Claus turned to Randolph and asked, “Do we have enough qualified reindeer for one more sleigh?”


“Good, Ok everybody. I want to go around the table and everyone to make a suggestion for the new Santa.  I’ll begin by suggesting Molina, the tooth fairy.”

Claus turned to his fellows, but none seem enthused by the suggestion. After a disappointed pause Claus continued, “Ok, we’ll get everyone suggestions and then we will have five minutes of debate and vote on the most worthy candidate.” Claus turned to Ta.

Ta looked nervously at the group before speaking, “What about the Sandman?”

“We’re are already using him to keep the children asleep and give them visions of sugar-plums.” San interjected

“Oh yeah,” a deflated Ta replied.

“What about Summer the wizard?” San suggested, avoiding Winter’s icy glare.

“What about Autumn?” Winter chimed in.

“What about my buddy Odin?” Sinter spoke up.

“Isn’t he busy ruling Asgard?” Jack Frost asked

“Ok, then his son Loki? Or Thor” Jane Frost interjected

“That maniac. I don’t think so. Also, Thor is a complete idiot” San rudely interrupted.

“Ok, let’s keep going,” Claus broke in.

“Father Time?” Jack Frost suggested

“Uncle Zuckercorn.” Jarvis put in

“The Pixy Triplets,” Loblaw added and everyone gave him a look that told him they all knew he was only suggesting them for a chance to get to sleep with one of them.

“Cornelius Yukon,” Randolph timidly offered[4] to a disapproving look from Claus, who had still not forgiven Yukon for the whole construction debacle

Yule just shrugged his shoulders and shook his head, “Sorry I can’t think of anyone.”

“The Evergreen Witch?” Frosty suggested, “She lives in the forest nearby.” This was met with resounding silence.

“Me,” Owen said tentatively

“But you’ll melt in the fireplace,” Frosty protested

“I guess you’re right,” Owen’s face drooped in disappointment as he slunk down in his chair.

Finally, everyone turned to St. Peter, who smiled nervously. “I may have a worthy candidate.  He is a holy bishop in Myra and his name is Nicholas.”

“Isn’t that the guy who gave a poor man three bags of gold for each of his daughters as a dowry so they wouldn’t starve?” San asked.

“Yes.” St. Peter stated plainly

“Isn’t he dead?”

“Yes, but he has not yet made it through the Pearly Gates. I can ask St. Paul to send him back down here. Of course, we will have to construct a new body for his soul as the old one has already been burned.

“I can do that,” Jack chimed in. Everyone looked at him in surprise. “What? If need be, I mean.”

Everyone looked expectantly at St. Peter and Claus.

“All in favor of Saint Nicholas as our new Santa?”

Everybody shouted their consent in unison.



Meanwhile, in heaven, St. Paul was unenthusiastically waving souls through the Pearly Gates, only bothering to check his list once as souls marched through into heaven

“Man, I wish I was in there.” He thought to himself as he heard the angel rock band Gabriel and the Arkangels go into their fifth encore of Hallejuh.

He was jolted to attention by an astral projection of St. Peter appearing right next to him[5]

“Will you stop doing that,” Paul barked

“Sorry. I need a favor.”

“Ok,” Paul said skeptically

“There should be a Nicholas of Myra arriving at the Pearly Gate soon. I want you to send him back to earth?”

“You know I don’t have the authority for that. I have to ask God.”

“It’s ok,” bellowed a booming voice that seemed to come from nowhere yet everywhere at the same time.

“Thank you our heavenly father who art in heaven,” Peter replied, offering a short bow of deference.

“I’ll be back at the North Pole waiting.” Peter said before disappearing

“Ok,” Paul replied, stifling a yawn.


Peter’s soul returned to its body which was in the great hall of Claus’ castle where everyone was waiting for the arrival of their new Santa.

In the center of the room, Jack Jane and Sinter were busy sculpting a new body for the deceased St. Nicholas. The new body was short and stocky, with a round belly, rosy cheeks, and a long white beard. For good measure, they had put a red suit with black boots on him.

Everyone shielded their eyes as a bright light descended into the room and entered the body made of ice and clay.

They stared at the body as it slowly came to life, first blinking its eyes and then moving it arms.

“Where am I? I thought I was supposed to go to heaven.” The round fat man said in a jovial voice.

“We asked god to send you back down to earth.” Peter replied

“Why?” asked the newly revived St. Nicholas

“Because we need your help. We are the members of Santa Claus, INC.” Peter gestured around the room and St. Nicholas looked around in wonderment

“I thought Santa Claus was one guy.”

“Don’t be silly. There’s no way one guy can deliver all those toys in one night, even with the time spell.”

“What time spell?”

“Never mind. We brought you here because we heard how generous you were and we wanted your help delivering all the toys to the children of the world.”

“Really? You want me?” St. Nicholas asked, deeply flattered.


“I would be happy to.” St. Nicholas replied, grabbing St. Peter in a boisterous hug.

Everyone in the room let out a cheer, Christmas wouldn’t be cancelled that year.



[1] The roundtable at Claus’ North Pole mansion was actually the inspiration for King Arthur’s Round Table as San’s nephew Merlin had told Arthur about it.
[2] He would later be promoted to Head Snowman, but that was mostly to stop his whining
[3] During the off-season St. Peter worked as a doorman at Heaven’s Pearly Gates, but he put St. Paul in charge during the Christmas season.
[4] Cornelius Yukon had once saved Randolph from a pack of ravenous wolves after he had become lost during a Christmas run and separated from the rest of the team.
[5] Peter’s body was still in the North Pole, but his soul was able to travel back and forth to Heaven. One of the perks of being a Saint.

A Brief History of Santa, Incorporated: Chapter 11

Previous Chapters


Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10


Chapter 11: The Snowman Cousins


Just as I promised we will now go back a few years to recount the story of Owen, the abominable snowmen. It is a story of violence, exclusion and trying to find ones place in the world, much like any good story should be,

It all began just before the second Battle of Reindeer Ridge. Jack and Jane Frost were tasked with creating an army of Snowmen, magical monsters made out of snow who were similar to the Golems of Jewish legend, but icier.

Jack though knew he was powerful enough to create the snowmen, but Jane insisted they ask for the help of their uncle Sinter to learn the magic, just the same. For you see, Sinter was an accomplished golem-conjurer, having been one of the first wizards to perfect the form. In fact he created the sentient Golem who we now refer to as Bigfoot or Sasquatch[1]

The Frost Twins and Sinter spent a long night before the Second Battle of Reindeer Ridge building snowmen and giving them life. Sinter did most of life-giving as he was the experienced one, but Jack and Jane t watched and listened closely, soaking in the art of golem-creation.

After he had created twenty or so snowmen, each more brutish and blank-minded than the last, Sinter turned to an engrossed Jane and a bored Jack.

“Why don’t you try making one?” Sinter offered.

“Are you sure?” Jane hesitantly asked.

Sinter simply nodded.

Jane stepped forward to build her snowman, but Jack pushed her aside. “Me first.”

Jack quickly set about sculpting his first creation from snow, using the basic form Sinter had showed them. A displeased Jane watched with her arms folded.

Jack picked two small branches off a nearby pine tree and two mismatched pieces of coal for his eyes. Sinter opened his mouth to warn his nephew, but once he determined that Jack wouldn’t listen anyway he remained quiet.

Finally, after sculpting the body and face, Jack looked at the pile of carrots for a noise to find it had dwindled down to one that had been half-chewed by Sinter’s pet hare, Hoppy[2]and a turnip.

“We’re out of carrots.” Jack said to his uncle.

“It’s ok. Just use the turnip. I’ll go get some carrots for the next snowman.”

Jack shrugged and placed the turnip in the center of the snowman’s face.

“Do you remember the incantation?” Sinter asked.

“Yes,” Jack replied, abruptly.  “Resurectio Nivis Vir”

Jack, Jane, and Sinter took a step back as the magic began to work its effect.

Much like Sinter fear the eyes did not appear be growing uniformly and were still mismatched in size. The face began to droop and pine needles sprouted up out of the bare branches that were the snowman’s arms. Finally, a pair of icy feet grew out of the bottom of the snowman protruding out of his bottom and making him top heavy.

“What’s happening?” Jack asked fearfully.

“The magic must have gone wrong, it happens occasionally.” Sinter casually explained.

“Happy Deathday,” the now-alive abomination slurred from its slanted mouth.

Jack, Jane, and Sinter stared aghast at their creation, unsure what to do, as his face drooped even more.

“What should I do with him?” Jack asked.

“I don’t know. Reverse the spell and try again I guess.”

Jack hesitated, looking sympathetically at his creation.

“I can’t do it,” Jack told his uncle.

“Alright,” Sinter conceded, “But he won’t make a very good soldier.”

“I will fight until death,” The snowman begged, his slur now only slightly noticeable.

“Go join the others,” Sinter ordered and the droopy snowman waddled off on his big feet.

“Wait, what is my name?” The snowman asked.

“Snowmen don’t have names,” Sinter barked. The snowman stared at Sinter with pitiful eyes.

“Fine. Your name is Owen,” Sinter surrendered, naming the snowman after a farmer he had known a long time ago[3]

Satisfied the snowman went off and joined his brethren.

“Ok, now it’s your turn.” Sinter turned to Jane, ignoring her brother.

“What about me?” Jack cried.

“You had your turn,” Sinter replied sternly, pointing to the deformed snowman named Owen who stood with the other snowmen, smiling a crooked smile because he had been given a name. The other snowmen glared at him, because they had not been given a name.

Jack was about to protest but was silenced when Sinter’s face grew even sterner.

“Just watch, maybe you will learn something.”

With a huff, Jack sulked over to the corner to watch his sister at work.

“Are you ready,” Sinter asked, turning back to Jane.

“I guess,” Jane said apprehensively as she set to work building another snowman.

Jane’s snowman proved to be a lot better put together than Jack’s attempt. The coal eyes were the same size and seeing that he had no more suitable carrots Jack tore a button from his jacket and placed it in the center of the snowman’s face. He also withdrew a corncob pipe from his pocket and placed it where the mouth of the snowman should be.

Jane took a step back, admiring his creation.

“It needs one more thing,” She said as he conjured up the hat he had been given by an ex-lover, the magician f Professor Presto[4] She placed the hat on his new creation head saying, “I shall call you Frosty,” before muttering the words, “Resurectio Nivis Vir.”

There must have been some powerful magic in that old silk hat of Professor Presto’s because Frosty immediately sprang to life, more robust, brawny, and bigger than all the other snowmen. “Happy birthday.” He bellowed triumphantly and began to dance a short jig.

“I think we’ve found our General,” Sinter stated proudly as he and Jane looked adoringly at their creation. Jack, with a sour expression, stomped out of the room.



“Why don’t you lead the way Owen,” Frosty suggested as the snowmen marched towards the reindeer village. Owen looked at questioningly at his cousin who nodded encouragingly.

“Ok,” Owen assented, not confident enough to challenge his younger cousin, General Frosty of the Snowman army.

Owen marched forward his whole body shaking and causing snow to fall off him and onto the ground. His snowman brethren were close behind him while Frosty brought up the rear, brandishing a magic broom he could use to conjure up blizzard, that had been given to him by Winter.[5]

Owen marched forward fearfully, his whole body shaking and causing, even more, snow to fall off him onto the ground.

“Forward, ho.” Frosty shouted.

“I can’t do this,” Owen whispered to himself.

“What soldier?” Frosty demanded.

Owen’s only reply was to suddenly run away from the battlefield, gaining speed as he went up the hill in the direction of the mountains.

“Come back you coward,” Frosty bellowed, but Owen had already been taken over by instinct.

Owen ran until  his cousin’s voice was a distant echo in his ear and then he ran some more. He eventually came upon a cave and that was where he stayed for 5 long years, only venturing out occasionally for food.

He saw no one during that time except for the reindeer Prancer, who wandered into his cave on his way to the West Pole and began mocking him for his appearance and for being a coward. Owen agreed with Prancer, but decided to eat him nonetheless; mostly because he was hungry, but also because Prancer was kind of a jerk.


Owen lived a lonely solitary life in that cave until he met Rudolph[6]Who was a true friend to him even if he didn’t live up to his promise of coming back to visit.

Once Rudolph had left Owen left a deep longing to reenter that world and so decided to finally venture out of the cave, but he knew he couldn’t go back to his home. He had been branded a deserter and could never return home.

So he set off for the Himalayas where he lived with a Tibetan monk for a time, but that didn’t last long, so Owen traveled onward, deciding to finally do something about his grotesque appearance.

He visited every wizard, shaman, and magician he could find, but none seemed able to help him. He briefly considered going back to his creator Jack Frost, but just the thought filled him with fear.

And so Owen wandered for years on end, until he heard a rumor of a powerful man, the supposed savior of all mankind, who could heal anyone. He set out to find this man in Jerusalem, the man called Jesus.


[1] Sasquatch is actually one of his more competent creations He also created the Jersey Devil and the Missing Link.
[2] Hoppy would later the ability to walk on two legs and talk as well as lay eggs in a magic accident and went on to become the Easter Bunny.
[3] Perhaps in a galaxy far far away, but most likely not.
[4] Professor Presto is not actually a professor, but it helps him pick up chicks, so he likes to pretend he is.  He is also not a very good magician, having only read half of the book “Great Magic for Wannabe Magicians”
[5] Winter had stolen the broom from Belfena, an Italian witch who he had a one-night stand with.
[6] See the previous chapter