A Brief History of Santa, Incorporated: Chapter 11

Previous Chapters

Prologue

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

 

Chapter 11: The Snowman Cousins

 

Just as I promised we will now go back a few years to recount the story of Owen, the abominable snowmen. It is a story of violence, exclusion and trying to find ones place in the world, much like any good story should be,

It all began just before the second Battle of Reindeer Ridge. Jack and Jane Frost were tasked with creating an army of Snowmen, magical monsters made out of snow who were similar to the Golems of Jewish legend, but icier.

Jack though knew he was powerful enough to create the snowmen, but Jane insisted they ask for the help of their uncle Sinter to learn the magic, just the same. For you see, Sinter was an accomplished golem-conjurer, having been one of the first wizards to perfect the form. In fact he created the sentient Golem who we now refer to as Bigfoot or Sasquatch[1]

The Frost Twins and Sinter spent a long night before the Second Battle of Reindeer Ridge building snowmen and giving them life. Sinter did most of life-giving as he was the experienced one, but Jack and Jane t watched and listened closely, soaking in the art of golem-creation.

After he had created twenty or so snowmen, each more brutish and blank-minded than the last, Sinter turned to an engrossed Jane and a bored Jack.

“Why don’t you try making one?” Sinter offered.

“Are you sure?” Jane hesitantly asked.

Sinter simply nodded.

Jane stepped forward to build her snowman, but Jack pushed her aside. “Me first.”

Jack quickly set about sculpting his first creation from snow, using the basic form Sinter had showed them. A displeased Jane watched with her arms folded.

Jack picked two small branches off a nearby pine tree and two mismatched pieces of coal for his eyes. Sinter opened his mouth to warn his nephew, but once he determined that Jack wouldn’t listen anyway he remained quiet.

Finally, after sculpting the body and face, Jack looked at the pile of carrots for a noise to find it had dwindled down to one that had been half-chewed by Sinter’s pet hare, Hoppy[2]and a turnip.

“We’re out of carrots.” Jack said to his uncle.

“It’s ok. Just use the turnip. I’ll go get some carrots for the next snowman.”

Jack shrugged and placed the turnip in the center of the snowman’s face.

“Do you remember the incantation?” Sinter asked.

“Yes,” Jack replied, abruptly.  “Resurectio Nivis Vir”

Jack, Jane, and Sinter took a step back as the magic began to work its effect.

Much like Sinter fear the eyes did not appear be growing uniformly and were still mismatched in size. The face began to droop and pine needles sprouted up out of the bare branches that were the snowman’s arms. Finally, a pair of icy feet grew out of the bottom of the snowman protruding out of his bottom and making him top heavy.

“What’s happening?” Jack asked fearfully.

“The magic must have gone wrong, it happens occasionally.” Sinter casually explained.

“Happy Deathday,” the now-alive abomination slurred from its slanted mouth.

Jack, Jane, and Sinter stared aghast at their creation, unsure what to do, as his face drooped even more.

“What should I do with him?” Jack asked.

“I don’t know. Reverse the spell and try again I guess.”

Jack hesitated, looking sympathetically at his creation.

“I can’t do it,” Jack told his uncle.

“Alright,” Sinter conceded, “But he won’t make a very good soldier.”

“I will fight until death,” The snowman begged, his slur now only slightly noticeable.

“Go join the others,” Sinter ordered and the droopy snowman waddled off on his big feet.

“Wait, what is my name?” The snowman asked.

“Snowmen don’t have names,” Sinter barked. The snowman stared at Sinter with pitiful eyes.

“Fine. Your name is Owen,” Sinter surrendered, naming the snowman after a farmer he had known a long time ago[3]

Satisfied the snowman went off and joined his brethren.

“Ok, now it’s your turn.” Sinter turned to Jane, ignoring her brother.

“What about me?” Jack cried.

“You had your turn,” Sinter replied sternly, pointing to the deformed snowman named Owen who stood with the other snowmen, smiling a crooked smile because he had been given a name. The other snowmen glared at him, because they had not been given a name.

Jack was about to protest but was silenced when Sinter’s face grew even sterner.

“Just watch, maybe you will learn something.”

With a huff, Jack sulked over to the corner to watch his sister at work.

“Are you ready,” Sinter asked, turning back to Jane.

“I guess,” Jane said apprehensively as she set to work building another snowman.

Jane’s snowman proved to be a lot better put together than Jack’s attempt. The coal eyes were the same size and seeing that he had no more suitable carrots Jack tore a button from his jacket and placed it in the center of the snowman’s face. He also withdrew a corncob pipe from his pocket and placed it where the mouth of the snowman should be.

Jane took a step back, admiring his creation.

“It needs one more thing,” She said as he conjured up the hat he had been given by an ex-lover, the magician f Professor Presto[4] She placed the hat on his new creation head saying, “I shall call you Frosty,” before muttering the words, “Resurectio Nivis Vir.”

There must have been some powerful magic in that old silk hat of Professor Presto’s because Frosty immediately sprang to life, more robust, brawny, and bigger than all the other snowmen. “Happy birthday.” He bellowed triumphantly and began to dance a short jig.

“I think we’ve found our General,” Sinter stated proudly as he and Jane looked adoringly at their creation. Jack, with a sour expression, stomped out of the room.

 

#

“Why don’t you lead the way Owen,” Frosty suggested as the snowmen marched towards the reindeer village. Owen looked at questioningly at his cousin who nodded encouragingly.

“Ok,” Owen assented, not confident enough to challenge his younger cousin, General Frosty of the Snowman army.

Owen marched forward his whole body shaking and causing snow to fall off him and onto the ground. His snowman brethren were close behind him while Frosty brought up the rear, brandishing a magic broom he could use to conjure up blizzard, that had been given to him by Winter.[5]

Owen marched forward fearfully, his whole body shaking and causing, even more, snow to fall off him onto the ground.

“Forward, ho.” Frosty shouted.

“I can’t do this,” Owen whispered to himself.

“What soldier?” Frosty demanded.

Owen’s only reply was to suddenly run away from the battlefield, gaining speed as he went up the hill in the direction of the mountains.

“Come back you coward,” Frosty bellowed, but Owen had already been taken over by instinct.

Owen ran until  his cousin’s voice was a distant echo in his ear and then he ran some more. He eventually came upon a cave and that was where he stayed for 5 long years, only venturing out occasionally for food.

He saw no one during that time except for the reindeer Prancer, who wandered into his cave on his way to the West Pole and began mocking him for his appearance and for being a coward. Owen agreed with Prancer, but decided to eat him nonetheless; mostly because he was hungry, but also because Prancer was kind of a jerk.

 

Owen lived a lonely solitary life in that cave until he met Rudolph[6]Who was a true friend to him even if he didn’t live up to his promise of coming back to visit.

Once Rudolph had left Owen left a deep longing to reenter that world and so decided to finally venture out of the cave, but he knew he couldn’t go back to his home. He had been branded a deserter and could never return home.

So he set off for the Himalayas where he lived with a Tibetan monk for a time, but that didn’t last long, so Owen traveled onward, deciding to finally do something about his grotesque appearance.

He visited every wizard, shaman, and magician he could find, but none seemed able to help him. He briefly considered going back to his creator Jack Frost, but just the thought filled him with fear.

And so Owen wandered for years on end, until he heard a rumor of a powerful man, the supposed savior of all mankind, who could heal anyone. He set out to find this man in Jerusalem, the man called Jesus.

 

Footnotes
[1] Sasquatch is actually one of his more competent creations He also created the Jersey Devil and the Missing Link.
[2] Hoppy would later the ability to walk on two legs and talk as well as lay eggs in a magic accident and went on to become the Easter Bunny.
[3] Perhaps in a galaxy far far away, but most likely not.
[4] Professor Presto is not actually a professor, but it helps him pick up chicks, so he likes to pretend he is.  He is also not a very good magician, having only read half of the book “Great Magic for Wannabe Magicians”
[5] Winter had stolen the broom from Belfena, an Italian witch who he had a one-night stand with.
[6] See the previous chapter
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A Brief History of Santa Claus, Incorporated: Chapter 9

Previous Chapters

Prologue

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

 

 

Chapter 9: The Elf Generals

 

One pinecone General Zuckercorn[1], who had been brought in by his nephew Claus and who was said to be very good, led a small battalion of twenty jet-packed elves on a flight above the Reindeers’ igloo village

Flying to the right and slightly behind Zuckercorn was his daughter and second-in-command, Lizer, who wore a stern face as she flew in silence. Next to her was her husband Jangle as well as his sister Belle and his twin brother Jingle.

“Are you sure about this sir?” Jangle asked in a shaky voice[2], which was mostly from the cold, which he was still getting used to,

Zuckercorn looked back at Jangle with an irritated glare and growled between clenched teeth, “Yes I’m a sure about this like I’ve told you five times already.”
“But sir, we haven’t even scouted the area,” Lizer protested.

Zuckercorn paused for a second to give his daughter a scolding look before responding, “We don’t need to.”

“Alright men, get your weapons ready,” Zuckercorn commanded. A steady hum of electricity crackled through the air as everyone drew their Electro 5000 lightning bolt guns and switched them on as they made their descent into the center of the igloo village, forming a ring around their leader.

“Spread out and look for any signs of life,” Lizer shouted, gesturing for the other soldiers to fan out and standing close behind her father, weapons ready.

“This might be a trap,” Lizer said uneasily, surveying the abandoned village.

“It isn’t a…” The snow beneath their feet stirred as reindeer began to emerge.

“Retreat,” Zuckercorn tried to yell, but it was already too late.

 

 

That night Claus was sleeping all snug in his bed

when he was awakened with dread

as he heard the glass from his bedroom window shatter.

He burst from his bed to see what was a matter,

On the floor of his bedroom, covered in glass and neatly wrapped

was Zuckercorn, who had barely survived being trapped.

With the gag in his mouth, Zuckercorn tried to mutter,

but Claus stopped him so he could clean up the clutter.

As he untied Zuckercorn from the bindings most abhor

he read the note on his chest that said, “This means war.”

 

Early the next day San, Ta, and Claus sat in Claus’ office all staring at Loblaw, Claus’ other nephew, an elf general who had served dutifully in the Elf Goblin War[3]. Sitting next to Loblaw was his brother Jarvis, who wore a quite prickly expression himself.

“We’re sorry to bring you out of retirement,” Claus stated simply, “but we really need your help with the reindeer problem. It’s grown quite prickly.”

“Don’t worry. This is not the first time I have been brought in to replace Uncle Zuckercorn”[4]

. “I already said I can handle things. There is no need to involve my brother. I could have easily taken over for Uncle Zuckercorn”

Loblaw took a long drag from his pipe before responding, “To tell you the truth I was getting bored with retirement. I ‘m glad you called me, but I’m going to need more help if I’m going to defeat the reindeer and rescue Zuckercorn’s soldiers.”

“Not a problem,” San interjected, “We can provide you with as many elves as you need and  Sinter has agreed to let you use his polar bears, Sasha and Mercedes. “

“Also, the elves are working on an army of toy soldiers[5] and Winter and his children are hard at working conjuring up snowmen[6].”

“Good,” Loblaw smiled, ignoring his brother’s heated stare. “this shouldn’t take long at all.”

 

“My father will destroy you.” Lizer screamed at Prancer, who had been given the task of watching the prisoners, mostly to keep him out of the way.

“I don’t think so. We Reindeer are proud warriors and will not let a couple measly elves take our land.”

Just as soon as Prancer got done saying this his brother Dancer sauntered[7] into the prison igloo. “Let the prisoners go,” he said with a defeated sigh.

“What?”

“The battle’s over.”

“Already?”

“Yes, Donner surrendered almost immediately upon seeing the massive army marching towards our village[8]. Not only do they have elves, but they also had Toy Soldiers, and Snowmen and they were led by General Loblaw, who I hear is very good.”

At this news Lizer burst into a fit of maniacal giggling, drawing concerned looks from her fellow prisoners.

“Shut up.” Prancer bellowed, but she continued to giggle even as Prancer begrudgingly released her and her comrades. The laughter even continued as he and Dancer escorted them out of the prison igloo. Prancer stood on his two back legs, using his two front hoofs to cover his ears and drown out the noise. Dancer just politely ignored it, continuing to saunter his way out of the prison igloo.

“What’s a matter with her?” Jingle whispered to his brother, Jangle.

“I don’t know,” Jangle said worriedly.

 

It was with a defeated gait, a disheartened expression, and a sorrowful heart that Donner and his siblings were marched down what would be later referred to as the Trail of Reindeer Tears towards Claus’ castle. Loblaw marched in front with a triumphant smile and a gloating stomp while his second-in-command Lizer, held up the rear, still giggling to herself, but not as severely as she had previously[9] It was still enough to annoy Prancer, who had the displeasure of being next to her, though.

“I should have been in charge,” Prancer whispered to Blitzen, who nodded in agreement. They both held their heads in shame when Donner looked back at them scoldingly.

The members of Santa Claus, INC were already waiting patiently in Claus’ large dining room, around his gigantic round table, as Loblaw forced the Reindeer to sit around the table facing their enemies.

“Welcome Reindeer, I apologize for the violence we just made you endure, but you left us no choice. Sometimes violence is warranted to make some good in the world.” Claus began. Nobody replied.

Claus held up a piece of paper. “I hold in my hand a peace treaty that will grant peace between our two groups if you agree to pull our sleigh every Christmas[10].”  looked Ta and San who nodded their consent

Claus smiled brightly as he slid the paper and a pen across the table to Donner.

“You will get to keep your land,” Claus added.

Donner stared at the treaty for a long moment, rubbing his hooves together hard enough to create sparks.

“How am I supposed to sign this?” He asked defiantly, “I have hooves, not hands.”

“Use your mouth,” Jarvis replied gruffly, getting dangerously close to the reindeer. So close that Donner could smell his peppermint breath.

Donner looked pleadingly around the room, but no one would meet his gaze, especially not his siblings who would probably disown him no matter what he decided to do. After a long pause, he dipped his head and picked the pen up in his teeth, scribbling out an almost illegible signature at the bottom of the document.

 

 

Footnotes
[1] The highest rank in the Elf Army.
[2] It was mostly shaky from the cold, which he had not quite grown accustomed to yet.
[3] The most recent one, has there have been many. Much like elves and gnomes, elves and goblins had been fighting for centuries. The origin of their conflict is actually known and stems from the Elf Prince Legumi walking out on his bride, the Goblin Princess Maranda on their wedding day and leaving her with their goblin/elf child.
[4] it was actually the third time Loblaw had been brought in to replace Zuckercorn. He had been brought in twic3e before to replace Zuckercorn in the field during the Elf Goblin War
[5] They would later become the North Pole Police Force.
[6] Snowmen or Snow Golems, as they are sometimes called, are closely related to the standard Golem of Jewish folklore, except made from snow instead of clay. The tradition of building snowmen was actually derived from legends of Snow Golems past down from generation to generation.
[7] Normally Dancer dances with every step, but he wasn’t quite feeling it at the moment,
[8]   This set a new record for shortest battle in Elven warfare, narrowly beating the Elf/Goblin Battle of Hybras by a full five minutes.
[9] Her condition would later be known as the Victory Giggles, brought on by a sudden and surprising victory. superstar snowballer Yontu experienced them for 30 days after his team unexpectedly won the Snowball championship. Fortunately, Liizer’s case cleared up within a couple hours
[10] The Three Wise Men had decided that “Jesus’ Birthday” was too big of a mouthful so elected to call the day Christmas, from the elven word of Christ’s birth, instead

A Brief History of Santa Claus, Incorporated : Chapter 8

 

Previous Chapters

Prologue

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8: The Chief Reindeer

 

San and Ta filed into Claus’ office, where he was already there waiting for them, stood up from his chair, trying to look as authoritative as he possibly could[1] and cleared his throat.

“I have called this meeting because we have a problem,” Claus began, trying to make eye contact with both San and Ta at the same time.

“We have mastered the time spell thanks to the arrival of Jack and Jane Frost, and Gerald has assured me the workshop is almost finished. But we need some way to get all the toys my relatives are going to make to all the children of the world.

“Sinter has agreed to let us borrow his sled and Sasha and Mercedes to transport the toys, but he can’t deliver them himself as he needs to be here for the time spell,”

“I can deliver the toys,” Ta declared, raising his hand

“No offense, but delivering all the toys by yourself is a big job even for you,” Claus interjected

“Perhaps, but we only have one sled.”

“Yes, but what if we make another one?” Claus asked

“But how will we pull it?”.

Claus pondered this before turning to San. “Can we clone Sasha and Mercedes?” He asked.

“We could try, but it would be very difficult and there could be severe consequences if it fails. I don’t think Sinter will even want to try.”

“Ok, but we need to figure something out.” The three wise men just look at each other in thought.

 

Little did the three wise men know that the solution to their problem was just over the next ridge, living in a village of ill-formed igloos.[2]

Some of you probably think that the reindeer were brought to the North Pole to pull Santa’s sleigh, but that is, in fact, a complete falsity. The reindeer had lived at the North Pole long before Claus and his cohorts had set up shop. In fact, the North Pole was the source of all reindeer, who were all descended from the first two reindeer, Robby and Clarice.

For centuries the reindeer had lived in peace, multiplying at a rate somewhere between rabbits and elves. That is a wizard named Edwin[3], came to the North Pole, looking for a place to get away from the rest of the world.

The Reindeer, who had only heard of wizards in stories told to them by the great reindeer explorer Nancy[4] were somewhat wary of these intruders on their land, but welcomed him with open hooves just the same and even offered them a nice ice cave as a sign of good faith.

That would turn out to be a mistake, however, as Edwin went back south and began telling all his friends about the wondrous North Pole. Soon, due to their hype, the North Pole was overrun with tourists, all clamoring to get their own ice caves and not caring who stood in their way, which was reindeer most of the time. [5]

As the population of Wizards, Elves and Humans increased in the North Pole the reindeer population decreased. Some moved away down South, mostly to Alaska where they were called Caribou for some reason[6], but even more were killed by foreign diseases[7]brought up to the North Pole by the intruders. By the time Santa Claus, INC moved in, the reindeer population had been reduced to a measly tribe of nearly one hundred who lived just over the ridge from them.

 

The leader of the Reindeer was a strong buck by the name of Donner who had inherited the role from his father Dunder, who had been eaten by Sasha and Mercedes during one of their midnight excursions.

. After only a week, as leader of the reindeer tribe, during which is older brother Prancer was openly and vehemently advocating for Donner’s removal and his own ascension to the chief position, Donner had considered just letting Prancer be the leader and migrating south the Jerusalem, which he heard was a great place to live, but he knew he couldn’t disobey his father’s dying wishes that he take over. Besides, he couldn’t leave Prancer, who had been voted Village Idiot seven years in a row, in charge.

As the three wise men were discussing their transportation problem Donner, threatened by Santa Claus, Inc. and their rapid expansion into Reindeer territory, was taking his first decisive action as leader of the reindeer and marching up to Claus’ castle with the Reindeer Council which consisted of his brothers: Dasher, Blitzen, Dancer and the aforementioned Prancer as well as his sisters: Vixen, Cupid and Comet; in tow

The 8 Reindeer approached Claus’ castle with Donner confidently in the lead and Prancer one pace behind him, sneering and giving him a cold and solemn death glare.

They reached the door of Claus’ castle and Donner politely knocked and waited patiently as there was no answer.

“You didn’t do it forcefully enough. Why do you just barge in?” Prancer stepped forward, pushing Donner aside.

“Let me show you.” Prancer raised his hoof to knock, but it was at that precise moment the Matilda came to the door, opening it just as Prancer was about to strike it with his hoof and causing him to tumble into the doorway.

“Can I help you?” Matilda asked, ignoring Prancer.

Donner cleared his throat. “We would like to see the owner of this castle.”

“I’m sorry. He is in a meeting.”

Claus tiny footsteps could be heard coming down the stairs behind Matilda. “It’s ok. I will talk to them.” He called as he descended the stairs and entered the foyer.

“Please come in,” He smiled graciously and gestured for the reindeer to enter. Donner who hesitantly stepped inside, followed hesitantly by his sibling, who all stepped over an embarrassed Prancer.

“What can I help you with?” Claus asked once all the reindeer were inside and Matilda had closed the door, huffing off to her quarters.

All the reindeer looked expectantly at Donner, who with shaky confidence began to speak.

“We are here on the behalf of the reindeer to respectfully ask you to leave.  The workshop you are building infringes upon reindeer land. ”

“. Perhaps I can offer you some money for the land.” Claus reached into his pocket for his checkbook

“We do not want your money. We simply want you to leave.” Donner back straightened and he inched a little bit closer to Claus. Claus could smell the snowgrass on his breath.

Claus backed away slowly, talking in a calm voice, “I’m sorry, but I can’t do that.  We are performing a very important mission up here at the North Pole to deliver presents to all the children of the world. I will gladly pay you for use of the land and even bring presents to the reindeer children if they are good.”

Donner, almost nodded his head in agreement, but Blitzen tapped him on his shoulder and disapprovingly shook his head.

“No deal, you will be hearing from our attorney.” Donner straightened his back even more and clomped his hooves loudly as he turned around and head for the door. The other reindeer watched their leader leave, not sure what to do. After sharing awkward looks, they followed their brother. Claus watched them leave, flabbergasted, but oddly intrigued.

Donner and his siblings marched confidently away from Claus’s castle with Prancer, who had recovered from his earlier embarrassment, bringing up the rear.

“You do realize we don’t have a lawyer right?” Prancer called after Donner

“Yes,” Donner shot Prancer a stern glare, “But it was all I could think of.”

“So, are we going to find a lawyer?” Dancer asked timidly

Donner gave his youngest brother a condescending look. “No, We are going back home to make a plan. It’s time we get rid of these intruders,”

All of his siblings shared concerned looks, except for Prancer who tried to hide his smile of glee and his brother’s potential failure, and Vixen found herself oddly attracted to Donner[8]

 

Claus watched the reindeer march away from the castle window, not hearing the pitter-patter of Jarvis coming down the stairs.

“Who was that?” Jarvis asked, causing Claus to jump.

“It was our neighbors,” Claus replied, absent-mindedly.

“Did they bring us a housewarming gift?”

“I’m afraid not,” Claus continued to watch the reindeer.

“Then what did they want?”

“They wanted us to move.”

“Oh.”

“We better call my uncle Zuckercorn. We may have a fight on our hands. Also, I may have solved our transportation problem.”

 

Footnotes
[1] Which is hard for such a short elf.
[2] It’s hard to build igloos with hooves.
[3] He’s the great-uncle of San, Winter, and Sinter in case you were wondering.
[4] Nancy had been the first reindeer to reach the South Pole, where she settled down and lived among the penguins for many years. On her way back, she encountered Ordock and Merlina, San’s parents who were particularly helpful to her.
[5] Among the tourist were Ordock and Merlina, who inherited Edwin’s ice cave and Claus, who liked the North Pole so much he built a castle there.
[6] No one has quite discovered the origin of the name Caribou, but it may have meant “Stupid Deer” in Inuit.
[7] Chief among these diseases being Magic Pox, which caused massive sores to break out over the victims’ body and turned their eyes to jelly, their nose to honey, and their tongues to peanut butter, which admittedly makes a good sandwich, but it not so great when it’s happening to you.
[8] Don’t worry, she’s adopted

A Brief History of Santa Claus, Incorporated: Chapter 6

Previous Chapters:

Prologue

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

 

Chapter 6: The Third Wizard Brother

 

Deep in the woods of Nowhere is a ramshackle shack made of sticks, mud, bull manure, blood, sweat, tears, and quite possibly semen[1]In the shack dwells Sinter, the younger brother of San and Winter.

Sinter is a peculiar sort, even for wizards. After many disappointments he shirked all human and wizard contact[2] and came to live in the woods of Nowhere, preferring the company of animals[3]

His exile, however, was not completely self-imposed. It came after San had stolen his beloved human wife Julia. San did try to give her back, but Sinter viewed her as sullied beyond repair. Julia did find happiness with their half-brother Who Shall Not Be Named, but it was short-lived. She died giving birth to her son Merlin and Who Shall Not Be Named dealt with the news by shooting a lightning bolt through his brain. Their sister Who Was Not Named ended up raising Merlin[4]

 

“This place gives me the creeps,” San grumbled as he, Winter, Ta and Claus walked through the dark and foreboding woods of Nowhere[5]looking for Sinter’s shack.

“Are you sure this is where Sinter lives?” San asked Winter

“This is where our half-sister Who Was Not Named said he would be.”

“This is waste of time. If we really need a wizard I can just try Summer again.”

“No,” Winter protested, just a little too aggressively, “We don’t need that hack.” He spat an icy lougie on the ground causing the grass it struck to wilt.

“What about his sister Autumn? Don’t you still have her wand number?”

“No,” San eyed Winter suspiciously but made no comment.

“Well, we could always get a hold of Loki. He’s not a wizard, but he will do in a pinch,” San offered

“No, you have to apologize to Sinter sooner or later. It might as well be now.”

“I already tried to apologize to him. He didn’t accept it.”

“He just didn’t want his wife back after you defiled her. That was nearly a hundred years ago.”

“I don’t know why he didn’t want her back. I left her in perfectly fine condition.”

“You gave her three horns on her head and teeth in her vagina”

“So, it was good enough for our half-brother Who Shall Not Be Named.”

“Yeah, but his mother was a troll.”

‘”I guess you’re right. I better mend things between me and Sinter before either one of us dies or I get a woman and he feels honor-bound to steal her from me.”

“That’s the spirit,” Winter replied jovially, slapping his brother on the shoulder. Ta and Claus watched the exchange, saying nothing.

The high-pitched caw of a raven echoed through the woods, accompanied by a low-rumbling hoot of an owl which made everyone in the party jump slight. Claus jumped the highest, getting himself stuck in a tree.[6]

The cawing and hooting continued, each sound taking turns as if in some kind of auditory duel.

“I think we should get out of here,’ Claus said from the tree.

“We are almost to Sinter’s house. I can feel it.” Winter reassured the elf.

As if in reply to Winter’s reassurance a menagerie of birds: ravens, owls, hawks, sparrows, swans, geese, calling birds, French hens, turtle doves, and a partridge that had flown in from a pear-tree, burst from the trees surrounding them and flew in a large circle around them[7] The cawing and hooting continued, surrounding the party.

“What the fuck is this?” San demanded.

“I don’t know,” Winter replied with a shrug.

The sound of tearful howling cut through the bird songs and a pack of wolves materialized out of the forest, surrounding the group.

“I’m glad I’m up in the tree,” Claus said mostly to himself. He received death glares from San, Ta, and Winter.

Winter and San shared a look. San limbered up and stretched out, prepared to deliver lightning bolts while Winter cracked his fingers, in preparation for conjuring up a wintry gust of wind.

Meanwhile, Ta grasped desperately for the lucky stone in his pocket but sighed with regret when he remembered he had given it to the kid in Bethlehem. Instead, he stuck his hand in his other pocket and grasped the lucky dragon scale that was there.[8]

Claus watched the whole scene from the tree, smiling whole-hearted at the fact he was safe in the tree. Perhaps it was this arrogant thought that caused the branch he sat on to snap and send him tumbling to the ground[9]

“Ow,” Claus cried as he landed hard on the ground. None of his friends offered to help him up and were, in fact, all secretly smiling at his unfortunate luck. Serves him right, thought San.

The wolves continued to growl and the birds continued to sing as Claus, Ta, San, and Winter (mostly San and Winter) prepared to fight back. The battle was never to be however as dual roars ripped through the forest air, causing the wolves to shutter in fear and the birds to fly off in one big cloud.

The gang stood perfectly still as two large black bears thrashed through the trees with all the finesse of a large fat man trying to do ballet. The bears drug a sled whose current passenger was a tall wizard with disheveled brown hair, an unruly, long beard and an atrocious robe made of pigskin and sheep bladder.

He looked at the group, especially San, with deep disdain and spoke in a voice that was worn from disuse.

“What do you want?”  He croaked.

“Hello dear brother,” Winter said jovially, trying to put Sinter at ease, but the hermit could only stare with displeasure at San, who offered a weak wave.

“What do you want?” Sinter demanded again.

“We only wish to talk.” Winter flashed a large smile as he said this. All he got in return was a gigantic scowl.

“Then talk,” Sinter managed to say without moving his lips and ruining the scowl he had worked hard to perfect for the moment he would finally meet his brother San again.

“We have come here to ask you a favor,” San chimed in. He stepped forward, his body tensing up.

“First you must apologize.”

“I tried to earlier. I even gave you your wife back.”

“If I wanted my pecker bitten off I would slather it in bacon grease and summoned my one of my wolves.” Everyone (including me) cringed at the image.

“Ok, Ok. I’m sorry. I am truly sorry. She came to me and I couldn’t help myself. She is a devil woman and you should be mad at her and not me.”

Sinter stepped down off his sled and approached San, who weakly raised his arms to defend himself. Sinter reached for his brother, who shirked away slightly and engulfed him a big hug. “I forgive you.” He whispered in San’s ear.

Winter also went in for the hug as well has Sinter’s two bear companions, Sasha and Mercedes, who ambled over and made it a literal bear hug. Ta and Claus looked at each other before electing not to join in.

“It’s good to have my brother’s back together,” Winter said cheerfully as everyone withdrew from the hug.

With a smile on his face and a twinkle in his eyes[10] Sinter asked, “Why have you come to see me?”

Winter looked expectantly at San, who let out an exasperated sigh and began to explain the situation to Sinter who petted his testicles, contemplating the situation…

 

 

#

            The very next day Sinter rode his sled[11]up to Claus’ castle.

He knocked politely on the door and after a short wait, the door was unlocked by Matilda.

“Yes?” Matilda asked in her rickety voice.

Sinter just stared at her in reply, his mouth agape. After one hundred years in the forest with no female companionship[12]Matilda was the first woman Sinter had seen, so she was looking particularly good-looking to him.

Matilda, who had never been with a man who hadn’t stuffed her in a full body bag and made holes for her mouth and the distended elephant trunk she called a vagina, was flattered by  Sinter’s attention and would have jumped his bones right there if she didn’t have an unexplained rash she didn’t want to spread around.

“Goood eveeening maaam” Sinter managed to stammer out. “I am here for the meeting.”

“Oh yes, come on in. They are all upstairs. You can go up there and I will take care of your sled and bears for you.” Matilda smiled a two-tooth grin.

“Thank you.” Sinter said as he stepped into the house and headed upstairs. He gave Matilda a nervous smile as he walked past her and she felt a tingling sensation in her lower parts, although that could have been the rash.

 

Sinter entered Claus’ office to see San, Ta, Claus, Winter, and Jarvis all gathered around a magic rune circle. San and Winter were both seated uncomfortably on the floor meditating while everyone else stood and watched.

“Hello,” Everyone said in unison, as they noticed his presence.

“This is my nephew Jarvis,” Claus said, gesturing to Jarvis, who offered his hand.

The wizard and the elf shook hands.

San and Winter both got up from their seated position to greet their brother.

“What do you say we try this time spell?” Winter asked

“Sure,” Sinter answered.

“Claus is going to use a portable hourglass to see if we can slow down or maybe even stop time,” San explained

“Sounds good,” Sinter responded as he took his position around the rune circle. This was not his first time-spell.[13]

Seeing that Sinter was ready San and Winter both got into position.

“Does everyone remember the incantation?” San asked. Sinter and Winter nodded in reply, sharing an eye roll.

“This is so exciting,” Claus whispered to Ta, who was equally excited. Jarvis stood in the corner, looking unimpressed.

San and Winter followed their brother’s lead and got into position around the rune circle, folding their arms across their chest and closing their eyes.

“Abracatimex enjoy this rhymex as we stop timex[14]” The three brothers chanted over and over again as the room began to crackle with magic.

Claus looked down at the portable hourglass he held in his hand to see that the grains of sands had stopped falling. “Success!” he shouted.

At that very moment, the room began to shake uncontrollably, and it wasn’t out of fear as rooms cannot feel fear. Anger and Happiness yes, but not fear.

“Perhaps you declared victory too soon,” Ta whispered to his elven friend.

Feces began to stream out of Sinter’s nose like blood, Semen began to leak out of Winter’s eyes like tears, and Sin began to uncontrollably piss blood.

Ta, Claus, and Jarvis watched the whole scene with abject terror and wonder as Matilda burst into the room to serve up tea and crumpets. She just as quickly ran screaming from the room. [15]

The room continued to shake as lightning erupted from San’s penis, sending him hurtling backwards against the wall, Sinter’s leg turned into twigs and snapped,  sending him sprawling onto the floor and finally a strong snowy wind blew out of Winter’s mouth, sending him flying around the room and eventually landing on Jarvis, who still looked unimpressed.

As the three brothers all got up from ordeals they shared a defeated look and said in unison, “We are going to need another wizard.” Claus smashed his hourglass in frustration.

 

 

Footnotes
[1] Wizard semen actually possesses quite a plethora of magical properties, including an extraordinary amount of adhesive ability.
[2] Also, Giants, elves, etc.
[3] Not in a sexual way, you perverts. Ok, maybe once in a while.
[4] Yes, he is the same Merlin from the King Arthur myths.
[5] It would later become dark and foreboding for a different reason when it became the parking lot for a large mall.
[6] Despite their small stature and short legs elves are surprising great jumpers. It is because of this Canada is not allowed to compete in the pole vault at the Olympics.
[7] Except for the chickens who attempted to fly, but then settled on hopping around in a circle.
[8] How he acquired the dragon scale is another story that perhaps will be recounted later, but most likely not. I will say the dragon owned a quilt and was crazy, but I will leave it at that.
[9] The trees in Nowhere are actually telepathic and hate arrogance.
[10] Although that could have been left over stardust he has been snorting earlier
[11] It was once again pulled by Sasha and Mercedes who fur has been insulated and turned white by Sinter, effectively creating the Polar Bear.
[12] There had been a brief heated moment with Sasha, but it didn’t go anywhere.
[13] In fact, it was his one hundred and first.
[14] The name Timex actually comes from this spell.
[15] After seeing Sinter shitting out of his nose it was safe to say any attraction she had to him was gone, which was probably the best for both parties.

A Brief History of Santa Claus, Incorporated: Chapter 5

Previous Chapters

Prologue

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

 

Chapter 5: The Wintry Warlock

The footsteps of San, Ta and Claus echoed off the frozen walls of Winter’s ice cave, which was conveniently located only a few miles from Claus’ North Pole castle and also within 5 miles of two different Starbucks[1].

The trio tiptoed across the ice, being careful to make as little noise as possible, but finding it impossible as the ice constantly snapped, crackled, and popped beneath them.

“How come you never told us you had a brother?” Claus whispered to San

San simply shrugged, “It never came up.”

“Are you sure this is the right place?” Ta asked as the ice split slightly under his huge feet with each step.

“Yes. This cave used to be my family’s winter home until my dad died and gave it to Winter. He always was the favorite,” San spat with disgust.

The giant, the elf, and the wizard continued their trek into the cold and dark cave, looking for any signs of San’s brother Winter. The icy floor continued to splinter and shift beneath them.

San looked around the cave with nostalgic disgust as it brought back memories of an unhappy childhood spent learning frivolous magic while his brother and cousins played ice ball[2]

San looked cautiously up at the ceiling and all the icicles that hung from it. He shivered both from the cold and the memory of his cousin, Archimedes, being skewered by one of the icicles. He smiled briefly at the memory, his teeth chattering. He had never particularly liked Archimedes who had never let him play any Wizard games.[3]

As he looked up at the icicles he noticed a small cleft was forming at the base of one of them. He inclined his ear and listened closely to hear the light crackle of the ice.

“Be careful. Those icicles are about to fall any second,” San cautioned his companions.

“We’ll be…” Claus was interrupted by an icicle coming lose and crashing down towards him. All he could do was stay motionless, in shock, as it plummeted towards his head, about to make him an elf-kabob.

Luckily for Claus, San had seen the falling projectile coming and pushed him out of the way with a gust of wind. Claus was sent careening into an ice column and was knocked out cold, both figuratively and metaphorically.

San looked at Ta and yelled, “Run!”

The giant was quick to obey San, as he did not want to end up like Claus, and so the remaining two wise men sprinted across the ice as best they could.

It was probably not a moment too soon because all the icicles that had been precariously frozen to the ceiling came cascading down around them. It would have been a beautiful sight if it hadn’t had been so deadly.

San and Ta made it through the cataclysm relatively unscathed, aside from Ta getting his elbow scraped by an icicle and bleeding just a little bit[4]and found shelter under a small overhang that didn’t have any icicles hanging from it where they watched the ice continue to fall for what seemed like an eternity

“Don’t worry this happens about once a year,” San said, parting Ta on the lower back reassuring.

Finally, the ice storm stopped and San and Ta were able to step out from under the overhang and make it over to the still unconscious Claus and checked his pulse.[5]

“He’s still alive,” San announced, much to Ta’s relief. “I should probably revive him.”

San took a step back, snapped his fingers, cracked his knuckles, stretched his legs, rolled his eyes and shot of a bolt of lightning straight at Claus. The electricity was quick to animate the small elf, who let out a loud yelp as he nearly leaped out of his skin.

“I may have used too much,”.

“What?” Claus shouted, his ears ringing profusely.

San opened his mouth to respond but said nothing.

Ta gave San a concerned look.

“Let’s keep on going. I can smell my brother’s putrid scent from here.”

Ta helped Claus to his feet and the followed San who was already pressing forward as if nothing had happened; although this time he walked a little slower and more cautiously

“Don’t worry, his hearing will come back soon,” San said encouragingly, avoiding eye contact with either one of his cohorts.

They had only taken a few cautious steps when they were halted dead in their tracks by a chilly wind and a billowing voice demanding, “Who dares to disturb the solitude of the great snow wizard, Winter?”

“It’s your brother San.,” San shouted back in the general direction of the voice, looking around nervously for any visible sign of his brother.

For a long moment, a frigid silence fell over the cave. The only sounds were the continued shifting of the ice floor and the shallow breathing of San, Ta, and Claus.

“Hello?”  San called out after a few minutes, his voice echoing through the cave.

The wind that they had felt when they had first heard Winter’s voice returned, this time stronger, faster, and colder.

“Why didn’t I put on another layer?” Ta complained. San shot him a look and indicated that he was only wearing his green guest robe.

Not one to be outdone Claus gestured to his bare arms and shouted, “At least you guys have fucking sleeves”

As if it had heard their complaints and was not pleased with them the wind grew even stronger, shaving ice off the walls and floor to pelt them with. Snow materialized with the ice, pummeling their bodies with howls of what seemed to be delight, but could have been their imagination.

The wind continued to howl, increasing its severity as it seemed to funnel itself into a spot right in front of the three wise men. The snow and ice were soon swept up into a medium-sized tornado from which a boisterous and slightly maniacal laugh was emitted.

San, Ta, and Claus watched the tornado gain strength and size as a figure emerged from within it.

The figure wore a shiny white robe, which grabbed the tiny droplets of sunlight that had entered the cave and show brightly. In his left hand, he held a sturdy cane made of sturdy oak and sprinkled with peppermint candy in case he ever got hungry.

Adorning the figure’s face was a pair of crescent half-glasses which sat uncomfortably on his giant bulbous nose and offset the ghostly paleness of his skin and long flowing hair. An even whiter (if that’s possible) beard protruded from his face and wrapped around his body.

“Brother,” the figure roared with delight as the tornado died down and he materialized completely. “It’s so great to see you.”

Winter stepped forward to give his younger brother a cold hug but slipped on the ice sending him into San, who caught him awkwardly and managed to get the hug they both needed.

“I wish you would have called first. I was just entertaining some guests.” The Pixie Triplets: Trixy, Dixy and Mixy came fluttering into the room.

“You remember the Pixie Triplets?” Winter asked San with a strong pat on the shoulder

“Yes,” San replied unenthusiastically. I always have to share with this bastard, San thought bitterly to himself.

“Why don’t you ladies go keep the bed cold. I will be up in a second.” The pixies obediently fluttered back in the direction they had come from.

“To what do I owe this visit? It is probably not a social visit as you have brought these two with you.” Winter gestured at Ta and Claus

“Oh, right sorry, this is Claus and Ta” Both the giant and elf nodded in greeting.

“Please to meet you,” Winter said with a courteous bow.

“Ta, Claus and I are working on something big,” San continued, “And we came here to see if you would join us.”

“Maybe. What is it you guys are working on? If it involves Summer, I’m not interested. I learned my lesson once already about working with him.”

“No, it doesn’t involve Summer,” San fibbed. [6]

“Ok, what is it then,” Winter folded his arms and listened patiently.

“I’m sure you heard about the birth of Jesus, the son of god?”

“Yes. I don’t know what the big fuss is. He will probably end up being just as conceited as his father.” [7]

“Those were exactly my thoughts,” San smiled slightly, glad that he and his brother agreed on something. Ta gave San a warning nudge.

San cleared his throat and continued, “Anyways, somehow Me, Claus and Ta were all invited to Jesus’ birth.”

Winter nodded politely. “Ok…” he prompted.

, “The birth didn’t affect me or Claus much, but Ta was deeply affected by it.” Ta blushed and shifted nervously as all eyes turned towards him.

“Ta came up with the idea of giving gifts to all the children of the world on Jesus’ birthday as a commemoration of his birth. Claus has already brought all his relatives up to the North Pole to start making toys, but we need another wizard for a time spell if we hope to deliver all the toys in one night.”

Winter pondered this for a long second, rubbing his forehead and pulling his ear as he thought “For a time spell like that you need at least three wizards”

“Are you sure we can’t do it with just us?” San asked hopefully

“Afraid not. Even though we both are pretty powerful…” San smirked at the compliment., “We need at least one more wizard to do it right.”

“But you were my last option. Every other wizard I asked said no.”

“What about Sinter?”

“Who’s Sinter?” Ta asked, drawing a glare from San.

“He’s our other brother,” Winter explained

“You have another brother?” Ta asked, turning on San

“Yeah, but I haven’t talked to him for a while.”

“Oh. So how many brothers do you have exactly?”

“Just two,” [8]

“Why don’t we go talk to Sinter,” Claus offered.

All eyes now turned to San, who fidgeted under the scrutiny.

“Ok, fine…” He relented, “We will go talk to Sinter.”

“I hope he doesn’t kill me,” San whispered to himself as they started to tiptoe out of the cave.

Footnotes
[1] Of course they hadn’t been constructed yet.
[2] Iceball is a lot like dodgeball only with snowballs instead of red rubber balls and just a little bit more magic.
[3] Which are similar to reindeer games, but involve more magic and fewer hooves.
[4] But not even enough to attract a Snow Vampire, the descendants of Dracula’s brother. Garret, who moved up to the North Pole after being exiled by his brother. Of course, there was also none up at the north pole at the time.
[5] Which for elves is located in the belly button
[6] San had actually asked the fire wizard first but had yet to hear back from him.
[7] Winter had also met God on a couple of occasions at Harold’s Tavern and had even slept with his ex-wife Asherah, which was the source of a long-standing grudge between the two of them
[8] Technically that was true. San only he had two full-brothers. He did have a half-brother, Who Shall Not Be Named, and an adopted sister, Who Was Not Named.

A Brief History of Santa Claus, Incorporated: Chapter 3

Previous Chapters:

Prologue

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3: The Elf

Claus had never been very good with people.[1]This lack of social skills was probably why he was finding it hard to explain to San his plan for getting toys to all the kids of the world. He opened his mouth to speak, but only a short whimper came out, causing Ta and San to stare at him.

“When Ta came to me with his idea, I, like you, thought it was absurd,” Claus finally managed to say in a squeaky voice San nodded his head in agreement.

“I am an accomplished toymaker, but I knew there was no way I could make enough toys in one year for all the children of the world. Besides, how would I deliver all of them?” Both Claus and Ta looked directly at San.

“And then Ta mentioned you and I figured with a little bit of your magic we could accomplish Ta’s goal.”

“How exactly?” San raised his eyebrows skeptically.

“By using your magic, you could stop or slow time on the night before Jesus’ birthday and allow me and Ta to deliver all the toys in one night so that all the children of the world can have their gifts in the morning.”

“Hold on, controlling time is not that simple. It requires at least 4 really gifted wizards and a unicorn horn which is extremely rare.” San objected.

“I have a unicorn horn,” Claus responded.

“How?”

“I went unicorn hunting a couple years ago and I kept one of the horns as a souvenir.”

“Isn’t that illegal?[2]’ Ta asked.

Claus simply shrugged. Ta looked to San for support but got the same shrug.

Claus looked sheepishly up at the giant, his cheeks flushing red[3] under Ta’s fearsome gaze. After a few seconds, he wordless inched past Ta and exited the room. He returned a few minutes later with a unicorn horn, handing it to San.

The Wizard took the horn from Claus, pulling his glasses from his robe pocket and examining it thoroughly. Claus and Ta watched quietly.

“It looks genuine to me,” San finally announced, “but I don’t know if I can convince three other wizards to come up here.”

Claus thought for a second, rubbing his ears for better cognition. “What if I offer them a lifetime supply of fairy powder?”[4]

San tucked on his ear in contemplation, “Umm..”

“Ok, I’ll throw in some warlock fingernails as well,” Claus said with an exasperated sigh.

“That might work.”

“Good, let’s discuss how to make Ta’s idea a reality….”

 

As the discussion trailed on long into the night, Claus quickly emerged as the leader of their enterprise, which was named Santa Claus, Incorporated: a combination of all the names of the three wise men.

“If we are going to do this, I’m going to need to build a workshop to build all the toys.” Ta and Claus looked expectedly at San.

“Don’t look at me. Wizards are forbidden from using magic to build anything after the whole Tower of Babel incident.”

“I can get some a crew of trolls up here to build it, but I need an architect to design the building.”

“What about Frank Lloyd Wright?” San asked

“Who?” Ta and Claus both gave San a confused look.

“Oh, sorry Wizards have a different view of time that you regular folks[5]. He’s kind of a hack anyway”

The group went back to silence, each thinking of someone to design the workshop. Claus rubbed his ears in concentration, Ta paced the room, causing the walls to shake and San just sat in the corner thinking.

“What about Cornelius Yukon?” Ta finally blurted out.

Claus shot Ta a death glare before responding, “No way. I’m not hiring a gnome to build my workshop”

“Why not? He’s world famous. He designed Solomon’s Temple.”

“He’s a gnome and elves don’t do business with gnomes[6]

“Can’t you just put aside your differences and do this for the greater good”

“I’ll think about it.”

 

After some thought Claus relented and Cornelius Yukon was hired along with a crew of trolls.

At first, everything went swimmingly between the gnome and elf[7], until one day, about a month into construction, when things went awfully bad.

No one quite knows why things went awry between the gnome and the elf, much as no one quite knows the origin of the conflict between their species. It could have been the fact that Cornelius wanted gold and silver window panes and Claus wasn’t willing to pay for them or it could have been that during an argument over the panes Claus had called Cornelius a “Garden Jockey.,” an almost unforgivable insult to a Gnome, especially when given by an elf.

“You twinkle-toed son of a bitch[8],” Yukon bellowed at Claus as he leaped over the little elf’s desk, grabbing him by the collar. His large gnome fists were soon pummeling the elf’s face.

Claus being a lover, not a fighter, and being good at neither was not prepared for the gnome and preceded to get his clock cleaned.

Luckily Gerald, the troll foreman, walked into his office just in time to pull Yukon off him.

“I knew I shouldn’t have gone into business with an elf,” Yukon shouted as Gerald held him back and Claus got up from the ground with what little respect and composure he could muster.

“You can build the workshop yourself. I quit,” Yukon announced as he got on his dog-sled and rode away.[9]

Gerald and Claus watched the gnome leave pulled by a Saint Bernard, a great Dane, a huskie, a poodle, a black Labrador, and surprisingly, a tabby cat named Garf.

With a great sigh, Claus sunk into his chair into his chair. Gerald just stared at his boss blankly, as trolls, being one of the stupidest creatures on earth after goblins[10], are want to do.

Through a slightly bruised eye, Claus looked at the latest draft of Yukon’s blueprints that were sitting on his desk and smiled through broken teeth. He winced as he picked up the papers and handed them to Gerald.

“Continue construction, we can’t afford to fall behind,” Gerald said nothing, mostly because Trolls are incapable of speaking actual words and only communicate in a series of grunts, snorts, and hand gestures [11] He simply took the plans from Claus and walked out the door, closing the door with a loud crash behind him.

Claus sighed again and looked at the projected schedule for the construction of his workshop. It appeared as though it would take nearly six months for the trolls to complete their work.

That doesn’t leave me a lot of time to make all the toys before December 25, he thought to himself Even with San and Ta, I may need more help.  And so Claus took his address book out of his desk and began writing messages…

 

 

 

Footnotes
[1] In fact that he only really had one friend, Matilda, who actually loathed her boss and dreamed of increasingly violent ways of killing him every night.
[2] Yes, it is.
[3] Having a healthy reddish hue to their cheeks often indicates a male elves virility so it is one of the main things a female elf looks for in a mate.
[4] Claus knew, like most everyone, that wizards have a strong weakness for fairy powder and other magical drugs.
[5] Frank Lloyd Wright wouldn’t be born for almost another two thousand years.
[6] No one quite knows the origin of the feud between gnomes and elves, but my guess is it was probably a woman.
[7]Enough gold coins to fill the back of a dump truck can do a lot to heal a racial divide.
[8] This was a pretty bad insult in elf culture, but not as bad as Garden Jockey, the equivalent of your N-word.
[9] He was never to be heard from again except for a few years later when he would be arrested on the charges of animal cruelty and bestiality. Claus read the news story about Yukon’s arrest and thought to himself, I’m glad I fired him when I did.
[10] Who are actually a subset of Trolls.
[11] A Troll reciting his poem is truly a sight to behold. They are also fairly good at charades.

Some TV to Comic Adaptions I would like to see

Hey everyone and welcome back to my blog. I hope you have been enjoying my Arrested Development Screenplay. I decided to take a break from that to post a more standard blog post(for me at least)

I’ve been done a few  comic-centric posts  with my Defenders pitch and Star Wars Comics I would like to see and I wanted to continue that thread with this post.

Today I’m talking about  TV shows I would like to see adapted as comic series. It seems to be a trend over the last few years in comics with X-files, Buffy, and Power Rangers, to name a few. And seeing these series has got me thinking of TV shows I would like to see revived in the comic book medium. Here they are in no particular order. Let me know what you think.

Heroes: This one seems like a no-brainer. Say what you will about the show, but it  still has some potential. It may never live back up to the promise of Season 1, but I think an ongoing series that takes place either between the main series and Heroes Reborn or after Heroes Reborn could be just what the franchise needs. A comic could bring back much-loved characters like Claire, Sylar and Peter without the hassle of actor scheduling and so forth. There was a rumored series just before Heroes Reborn was announced and I think continuing the story in comics is what Heroes needs.

Reaper: Like Heroes I think Reaper, a two season CW series that ended in 2009, lends itself well to a comic adaption and since the left the series on somewhat of a cliffhanger I think it a comic continuation would be fun to see.

My Name is Earl: I realize this suggestion is a little out there and I don’t know how well it would translate, but I want to see the My Name is Earl story wrapped up and if we can’t get another season or a movie this is the next best thing. I would also like to see a crossover mini-series with Raising Hope since we never really got a fully-fledged crossover when Raising Hope was on the air, although plenty of My Name is Earl actors showed up.

Knights of Prosperity: Despite only running for one 13-episode season Knights of Prosperity remains one of my favorite shows and I would like to see it continue in one way or another. Like My Name is Earl I’m not sure how well it would translate, but I feel like it could work. The show followed a gang of amateur themes whose goal is to steal from celebrities and the comic medium would allow them to feature which ever celebrity they want.

Those are a few of the TV to comic adaptions I would like to see. What shows would you like to see become comics?

Weekly Comic Pull List:

Speaking of Comics here’s what comics I’ll be picking up this week.

What I picked up Last Week:

Detective Comics #951: It was a slow week last week so this was the only comic I picked up, but still enjoyable

What I will be picking up this week:

X-files #11: I’ve been enjoying this new Contrarians storyline so I will continue to pick up X-files to read it

X-files Deviations #2:  I enjoyed the first deviations issue and I thought it was a standalone, but I’ll probably check this one out

Star Wars #29: I’m interested to read more of Yoda’s adventure.

 

What comics are you picking up this week?

 

Last Comedy Set:

I’m still at the comedy grind, averaging at least one set a week. Here’s my latest set last week from a showcase I did at a local theater. I apologize for the video quality.

 

 

Post end Poem: Here’s another poem I’ve been working on. Enjoy.

Sword of Fates

From the white cauldron

of the future

malevolent broth abounds.

Rancid scents sting her nostrils.

 

The sword of fates

will make her stronger,

but it will also weaken her.

 

The sword will be procured

from Dr. Funky,

curator of the weird

and gatekeeper

of the netherworld.

 

The golden sword

permeates her hands

with frigid ice

as it sings to her.

 

Faber est suae quisque fortunae

Dr. Funky whispers to

the formerly named girl

who will soon travel to Atlantis

after slaying Mari, the goddess of the sea.

 

Dr. Funky becomes a magnificent fire-breathing dragon.

She uses her allusion to slay him.

 

Where rests the white cauldron now?

She wonders as her journey begins.

 

 

Currently:

Reading(books): A Feast of Crows by George R.R. Martin

Reading(comics): Star Wars: Chewbacca(mini-series), Deathstroke(2014 series)

Watching(TV): The West Wing(Season 2), Flash, Supernatural, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Game of Thrones(Season 2)

Watching(Movies): Alpha Dog, Fox and the Hound, The Wolverine

Working on: This blog post, comedy sets, a couple sitcom pilots

 

Starring in:

 

Anticipating: Logan, the upcoming Donald Trump  Roast that I’m the roast master for.

 

That does it for me. As always thanks for reading and any and all comments are welcome and appreciated