A Brief History of Santa Claus, Incorporated: Chapter 24

Previous Chapters:

Prologue

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

 

Chapter 24: The Replacements

It was the day after Christmas 3152 and the Santa Council had gathered one last time. San’s immortality spell was starting to wear pretty thin and the potency of San’s Wonderful Anti-aging Cream had decreased significantly so they all looked pretty haggard.

They had all gathered in the toy shop to watch the android Santas[1], that were to be their replacements, roll of the assembly line.

Jack Frost had come up with the idea when the demand for toys became too much for the current crew. Since expanding to Mars Santa Claus, Inc had also expanded to Uranus, Pluto and even outside your solar system and the workload had become too much. The elves had already been replaced by machines, but now it was time for all the Santas to retire. They had chosen Spencer Chang, a descendant of Scott Chang to run the day to day operation and he would pass it on to his kid when he grew too old and so forth[2]

The Santas watched with detached interest as the Robo-Santas came fully formed off the assembly line, greeting them with a robotic chorus of “Ho, Ho, Ho”

“They need something,” Claus said quietly.

“Like what?” Ta asked.

“I don’t know,” Claus replied.

Suddenly a bright light filled the room as I descended from the heavens and spoke, “They need some Christmas spirit.”

Everyone in the room jumped at my arrival.

“Do not be afraid. I am Tobias, the Christmas Angel.”

“The Christmas Angel?” San asked skeptically

“Yes, after I accidentally sent San, Ta, Claus, and Martin invitations to Jesus’ birth…” Everyone turned to him in surprise. He simply shrugged.

“…God assigned me the task of look over you and helping you in your mission to give children gifts on Jesus’ birthday.”

“Then how come we have never met you before?” San asked

“After my mistake, God turned me into a star and I only had enough energy to give myself physical form once, but I have been watching over you since the beginning.” San gave me a suspicious look but said nothing.

“Alright then help us,” Claus said.

“Alright, I have just enough energy to give all these replacements Santas the Christmas spirit before I become a star again,” I explained

“Then do it,” San exclaimed impatiently.

And so I did and as I drifted away back towards the heavens I saw the Robo-Santas light up with life and their cheeks grow rosy-red.”

That is my story, long, but true of Santa Claus, who was not just one man, but many men (and women, and elves, and wizards) working together to give children presents on Christmas, that most sacred of holidays. I hoped you enjoyed my account of the Santa myth and to all a Merry Christmas and a wonderful night

 

Tobias, the Christmas Angel

 

Footnotes
[1] Modeled after the android Matilda and made to look like the traditional version of Santa Claus.
[2] San no longer had the juice to give anyone immortality.

 

Well that does it for this Christmas adventure. I hope you guys all enjoyed it and thanks for reading. I wish everyone a happy new year and see you in 2018

Tim

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A Brief History of Santa Claus, Incorporated: Chapter 23

Previous Chapters:

Prologue

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

 

Chapter 23: The Forgotten Wiseperson

So far, I have only mentioned three wise men: San, Ta, and Claus, but there was originally supposed to be four.

While Michael, Gabriel, and Raphael’s invitations all went to the wrong parties so did Lucifer’s, God’s rebellious prodigal son. Odds are Lucifer wouldn’t have made it to Jesus’ birthday, but God wanted to include him anyway.

The invitation that was meant for Lucifer actually went to a Martian named Margaret.  Margaret took one look at the invitation he had been given to him by a phoenix, who simply coughed up a lung and died instead of disintegrating into a neat pile of ashes[1]and promptly threw it in the garbage, telling herself, wisely, that it was too long of a trip.

Centuries past. Margaret and the Martian race lived peacefully alone on the planet Mars, keeping their existence hidden from mankind and whatever probes they sent.[2]

The Martian seclusion lasted until the mid-22nd Century when humans became bored with the moon and decided to explore the next nearest heavenly body and so an expedition, led by Colonel Hamas B. Wellington, was mounted for the planet Mars.

The Martians were not particularly happy to see Wellington’s ship, The Gigantic[3] but decided to greet them anyways.

The Martian council, which Margaret was a part of, were there when the USS Gigantic landed on their surface with three fingers raised[4]

As Colonel Wellington stepped out of his spaceship the Martian Council nodded in greeting. The leader of the council, Margaret’s uncle Dax, who had learned to speak English from watching earth television programs said, “Welcome to Mars Earthlings.”

A surprised Colonel Wellington pulled his gun, aiming it squarely at Dax.

“There is no need to your weapons here,” Dax said soothingly as he used his mental powers to melt Wellington’s gun, causing it to pool on the Martian soil

Wellington watched wide-eyed as his gun became a simple liquid puddle. He stared wide-eyed at Dax and the other Martian. Dax approached him and put a comforting hand on his shoulder.

“Do not be afraid. We do not wish you harm, perhaps we can discuss things at George’s Tavern[5] “Dax said. Wellington looked at the Martian skeptically but nodded in agreement.

The two leaders proceeded to George’s Tavern where they then got plastered and discussed a peace between their people. They eventually settled on a treaty that was written up by Margaret, who had the most beautiful handwriting in all of Mars and signed in the semen of both of the signers[6]

The Martians agreed to share Mars with the humans. The humans could build cities aboveground while the Martians would continue to live in their underground cities. In return the human agreed to stay out of Martian affairs and not to mate with Martians[7]

 

And so, a peace was accorded between the two races, which was good for them, but not so good for Santa Claus, Incorporated.

The colonization of Mars and the revelation that there was indeed life on Mars presented a huge problem for them. How would they get toys to Mars? Constructing another space-sleigh would take too many resources and it was too far to teleport toys even if they found a suitable Santa. After much discussion, they decided to skip Mars altogether.

While this was a sound business decision, the Martians, who had heard about Santa Claus from the Earth settlers, were not happy about this.

After many years of this, Dax finally called an emergency meeting of the Martian Council.

“We need to do something about this Santa situation. Our kids have grown unhappy and keep asking if Santa is going to come this year.” Dax announced as he called the meeting to order, quieting the council

“What if we kidnap Santa?” suggested Balthazar, Margaret’s older brother[8], which sent a murmur through the council chamber.

Margaret, who had never said anything in a council meeting and was only on the council because of her uncle, cleared her throat and began to speak, “Perhaps we could go talk to this Santa Claus, he seems like a reasonable man.” The murmuring died down and the entire Martian council stared at Margaret, surprised at her sudden outburst.

Dax contemplated Margaret’s words, rubbing his cheeks in thought. “You may be right my niece. Maybe we should send you as an emissary to this Santa Claus. If that doesn’t work then we will go with Balthazar’s plan”

 

Margaret landed her ship not far from Claus’ new state-of-the-art ice palace which was breathtaking in both its size and the way it lit up in the winter sunlight.

This must be the place,” She thought to herself as she tentatively approached the front entrance and rapped rapidly and nervously on the door. The door swooshed open and revealed an android duplicate of Matilda[9]

“Hello, how may I help you?” The robot asked pleasantly[10]

“I am here to see Santa Claus.”

“Right this way,” Robo-Matilda said as she led Margaret up the stairs to Claus’ office.

She knocked on the door, opened it and announced: “You have a visitor Mr. Claus.”

“Thank you, Matilda,”   called Claus, whose voice had succumbed to the raspiness of old age despite the anti-aging cream and the immortality spell,

Margaret entered the office. Claus spun around in his chair, taking Margaret by surprise. He expected the typical Santa Claus that the humans had been described to her and her fellow Martians and instead he got a short elf with white hair.

“You’re Santa Claus?” Margaret asked.

“Well, I’m one of them,” Claus answered

“What?” Martian asked

Claus sighed with annoyance. “Never mind, just tell me what you want.”

“I am Margaret. I am a member of the Martian Council and I have been sent here to convince you to come to Mars. If you do not agree then you will be taken by force.”

“Whoa, hold-up. No need for that. I’m sure we can come up with some sort of agreement.”

“I hope so because my brother won’t be as nice as me.”

“Ok, Ok.” Claus thought for a long second, “Have you ever thought about just creating your own Santa?”

“No, I guess not.”

“Why not?”

“The idea just never came up.”

“What about you?”

“What about me?”

‘What if we train you to be the Santa for Mars and supply you with your own workshop and sleigh so you can do it.”

“Me?”

“Why not?”

Margaret thought about this, rubbing her cheeks. “I guess that would work.”

“Good. It’s a deal then.” Claus said proudly as he got up to shake Margaret’s hand.

 

Footnotes
[1] The trip through space had been hard on the Phoenix.
[2] This was easy as Martians live in vast underground cities.
[3] Which was misnomer has it wasn’t all that big
[4] The typical Martian greeting.
[5] A different one than earlier, but owned by the same George who had been abducted by Martians centuries early and had even settled down with a Martian wife and had Martian/Human kids. He had also attempted to run for governor of Mars but lost by a large margin.
[6] A Martian tradition. The origin is unknown.
[7] This rule was quickly broken, by human and Martian alike.
[8] He would have received the invitation to Jesus birth if he had been home instead of Margaret
[9] The original had committed suicide many years ago, blaming each member of Santa Claus Incorporated, particularly Claus, in her note.
[10] Claus had made the wise decision not to program the robot with Matilda’s personality.

A Brief History of Santa Claus, Incorporated: Chapter 22

Previous Chapters:

Prologue

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22: Santa on the Moon

 

Early in the 21st century[1] man landed on the moon for the 7th time[2]

It wasn’t one of the usual suspects like the United States, Russian, China or even North Korea, to land on the moon, but the French, who had been secretly creating a space program while all the other nations were fighting WWIII[3]. The French almost immediately gave up the moon to Germany who had also been secretly developing a space program and wanted to annex the moon in the name of their new Fuhrer, an Austrian named Schwarzenegger.

What followed was almost a full decade of strive over possession of the moon, until a rare mineral that could solve all of Earth’s energy problems was found and the nations of the world agreed on a peace treaty so they could mine the moon for this mineral known as Anusium.

Soon the moon was peppered with mines and mining villages, which soon turned into small cities to house all the miners and their minors[4] Almost the whole moon[5]was soon covered by a bubble city known as Moon City that had a  population of around a million.

 

The emergence of Moon City proved to be a problem for Santa Claus, Incorporated. They wanted to get toys to all the children of the world[6], but they weren’t sure if the moon technically counted as part of the world and how they would get all the presents there.

They tried a space-sleigh for a couple years, but it required a whole lot of Anusium and it was hard to get in and out of the bubble without being caught[7]

Another problem was that the time spell that they had used since the beginning was not powerful enough to reach the moon, so they brought in Autumn, but it still wasn’t powerful enough. They even had to bring in Summer, much to the chagrin of Winter and Autumn. This seemed to work, but the moon was still a hefty problem for Santa Claus, Inc.

 

Finally, in the year 2132, the Santa council decided to have a meeting to solve their moon problem once and for all.

“We can’t get going like this,” Claus announced as the meeting was called to order.

“What are we supposed to do?” Kris asked.

“We need a Santa for the moon.” Harry Christmas chimed in.

“Even if we do he still has to fly to the moon.” Claus reminded Harry.

“Not necessarily. What if we teleport all the toys to the Santa on the moon and he can deliver them.”

“Does the teleporter work?” Claus asked, turning to Jarvis, the main technology guy

“Yes”

“But we still have a problem with the time spell not being powerful enough.” San piped up.

“I’ve been working on something to help with that,”  Jarvis announced as he stood up and produced a shiny metal orb for everyone to see.

“I call this the time orb. All the wizards have to do is say their time spell into it and we can send it to the Santa on the moon. All they have to do it press this button…” Jarvis paused to indicate a red button on top of the orb. “and he’ll have an instant timestop.”

“Are you sure it will work?” Winter asked.

“I..umm. Haven’t tested it yet, but we’ll see.”

“Well, you better start testing it. In the meantime, I think we better start looking for a new Santa to handle our moon operation.”

“I’ll start looking for suitable candidates,” Hattie announced as she set off to do just that.

 

And so the long and arduous search for a new Santa began. San, Ta, and Claus interviewed 1000s of potential candidates, erasing each of their memories when the found them unsuitable.

The three founders of Santa Claus, Incorporated were about to give up hope when Scott Chang walked through the door.

Scott Chang was a third-generation inhabitant of the moon, his grandfather being one of the original moon miners and his grandmother being a Moon Woman from the tribe of Moonmen on the dark side of the moon.

He strolled into the room with all the fake bravado he could muster, smiling as widely as he could manage.  “I hope I get this job,” He thought to himself.

“Hello gentlemen,” he said simply as he took a seat.

“Why do you want to join Santa Claus, Inc?” Claus asked, getting straight to the point.

“I want the opportunity to make an impact on the world,” Scott lied[8]

“Where do you see yourself in five years?” San asked.

“Delivering kids to all the girls and boys of the moon,” Stephen replied, making direct eye contact with all three of his interviewers and projecting untold amounts of confidence which he didn’t actually have.

“What are you looking for in terms of salary?” Ta asked.

“Nothing really. My grandfather left me enough money to live on. I just need something to keep me occupied.” All the interviewer’s eyes widened at Scott’s answer. All the other interviewees had asked for absorbent fees to join the crew, but here was a man who was willing to do it for free

They leaned in together discussing Stephen in whispers and then turned back to him.

“You’re hired,” Claus announced.

“Great, “Scott replied, holding back his surprise and the smile trying to creep onto his face. “When can I start?”

“Right now,” San replied shoving a bag of toys into Scott’s arms.

 

Footnotes
[1] About 15-20 years from now depending on when you are reading this.
[2] or 1st if you believe the conspiracy theories, which I don’t because I was at the first moon landing.
[3] The North Pole was a neutral country except for one skirmish: The Third Battle of Reindeer Ridge.
[4] Wife  and kids
[5] except for a small part of its dark side where a tribe of Moonmen lived
[6] Which was already a problem for Santa Claus, Inc which now had a Santa for every country including Santo Clos from Mexico, Ded Moroz from Russian, and many others, whose stories maybe be told in the third book A Briefest History of Santa Claus, Incorporated.
[7] In fact, Owen was almost arrested by the Moon Police during one of his Christmas runs.
[8] The truth was he just didn’t want to end up a lifelong miner like his grandfather, father, uncles and brothers and his butch aunt Meredith.

 

 

A Brief History of Santa Claus, Incorporated: Chapter 20

Previous Chapters:

Prologue

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

 

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

 

Chapter 20: The Short-lived Merry Mary Christmas

 

The Evergreen Witch as her acquaintances called her, Evie, as her friends called her, or just plain Witch as her enemies call her[1] sat in her rocking chair made out of the corpse of Pinocchio, distractedly sorting through her mail, tossing aside all envelopes asking her to subscribe to Good Witching, Witch Times, and the ilk.

She was grumbling about the lack of good mail when she came upon a card that announced in large and upper-case letters, “Christmas in July: Harry and Samantha Christmas are proud to proclaim the birth of Mary Elizabeth Christmas on July 4th

Evie checked her calendar and saw that is was the 11, a week after the birth. “Perhaps I should pay this newborn babe a visit.” She cackled to herself as she grabbed her broomstick and set off for Claus’ castle.[2]

 

Harry Christmas, her former lover, had not even thought about her since their month-long fuckfest and had actually blocked out their entire encounter, so needless to say it was a surprise for everyone when Evie, who adopted her previous disguise of Evelyn the red-headed bombshell, arrived at the door of Claus’ castle.

Matilda answered the door with a gruff expression, which grew gruffer upon seeing Evie.[3].

“Hello, Witch” Matilda spat as she glared at Evie.

“Hello Matilda,” Evie said pleasantly. “I am here to see the newborn baby.”

“Is it that time again? when you must sacrifice a baby to keep your immortality.”

“No, that’s not for another couple centuries.”

Matilda eyed Evie suspiciously as Harry walked up behind her staring the guest down with a salacious curiosity.

“Hello,” Harry said cheerfully.

“Harry?”

“Do I know you?” Harry asked.

“You don’t remember our time in the woods?”

“What woods?”

“We fucked for almost a month straight,” Evie persisted

Matilda’s eyes opened wide at this revelation, but Harry only looked puzzled and not at all aroused. He scratched his head.

“I’m still not remembering.”

“It’s probably for the best,” Matilda said as she slammed the door in Evie’s face.

An impotent rage ran through Evie as her magical disguise disintegrated. Her normally green face grew beet-red with rage as steam billowed out of her ears.

“Well, if I cannot see the baby then I will simply put a curse on it,” Evie said barked angrily.

And so Evie spoke a few magic four-letter words and send a bolt of magic into the infant’s Mary’s room.

 

The next morning when Harry and Samantha went to check on their babe they found a widely smiling little girl with one red eye and one green eye.

As the days past they noticed that the smile never left little Mary’s face and while the eyes were easy to hide her constant smile was not.

And little Mary Christmas spend the rest of her days smiling nonstop until at the age of sixteen the strain of constant smiling became too much for her and she died and The Evergreen Witch finally had her revenge. [4]

 

Footnotes
[1] She has far more friends than enemies
[2] Little did Evie know the birth announcement she had received was actually meant for one of Samantha’s friends Everdeen Snitch and had only been mailed to her on accident as seems to be a common occurrence within this tale.
[3] Evie and Matilda had once been sorority sisters at Magic College and things had not ended well between the two after it was discovered that they were both sleeping with the Potions Professor and had both contracted pubic mites from said Professor. They had both been expelled, but the Professor managed to keep his job only because had tenure.
[4] Although she couldn’t enjoy it as she had forgotten to sacrifice her baby and thus died just a few years after cursing Mary Christmas.

 

 

 

A Brief History of Santa Claus, Incorporated: Chapter 21

Previous Chapters:

Prologue

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

 

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

 

Chapter 21: The Distant Cousin

Hattie Sunloom sat impatiently in the office of Ernest Woodruff president of the Polar Bear Cola Company, which unbeknownst to her, and the world at large was actually a subsidiary of Santa Claus, Incorporated[1]

Also unbeknownst to Hattie, she was a distant cousin of the Noel family. It was because of this and her skill as an artist that she was sitting in front of Mr. Woodruff

Mr. Woodruff furrowed his brow as he looked at the artwork Hattie had just handed to him which depicted a short, youngish Santa Claus with pointy ears and a salt and pepper mustache which look remarkably like Claus’ brother Kagel.

“They look very nice, but I’m not a big fan of the elven ears. I was thinking something more in line with Clement Clark Moore’s “A Visit from Saint Nicholas”[2]

“But I hate that poem. Besides, I’m Jewish I don’t even know why I agreed to an assignment for a holiday I don’t even celebrate.”

“Because it can make you lots of money.If you don’t like it we could always give the assignment to your ex-husband Norman Rockwell.”

“No, that won’t be necessary,” Hattie said suddenly, snatching the artwork from Mr. Woodruff.

“I will make up some more artwork right away.” She announced as she gathered up her things and abruptly left the building in a huff.

Woodruff smiled to himself, watching her go. I knew mentioning her ex-husband would be sure to light a fire under her, he thought to himself.

 

That night Hattie worked feverishly on some new artwork, staying up long past a sensible hour as she tossed draft after draft into the trash. Finally, blurry eyed and on the verge of passing out looked at the picture she had just drawn in the dawn sunlight. It was a decent depiction of an old plump Santa with a decent beard raiding someone’s fridge.

That will do,” She thought to herself as she put the final touches on the picture.

She smiled as she looked at her latest creation and whispered, “Norman couldn’t do any better.”

She signed the pictures with her pen name “Haddon Sundbloom” and went into her room where she slumped into bed and visions of Santa drinking Sugar Plum Fairy urine danced around her head.

 

The next morning Hattie went to deliver the picture personally to Mr. Woodruff and went into his office to find he was waiting for her along with Claus, Ta, and San.

Being a normal human Hattie had never seen a giant, a wizard or an elf before and was caught off-guard.

“Who are you?” she asked, aghast.

Everyone looked to Claus who shrugged and began, “We are the founders of Santa Claus, INC and we have come here, partly at the suggestion of your distant cousins the Noels to offer you a job.

“Who are you?” Hattie asked again, still in shock.

Claus let out an annoyed huff and tried to explain, “The person you know as Santa Claus is actually an organization of people and we are its head”

Hattie looked around the room skeptically.  “What?”

Claus sighed exasperatedly “Never mind. We are here because our former head of PR, Clement Clarke Moore, has decided to retire unexpectedly and we need someone to replace him.”

“You mean the guy who wrote the stupid poem?”

“Yes.”

There was a long pause. “Of course, if you don’t want the job we can always ask your ex-husband Norman.”

“That won’t be necessary.” Hattie blurted out, uncertainly shaking Claus’ hand.  “I’ll take the job.”

 

           Footnotes

[1] It was started as a way to make more money to help Santa Claus, INC cover the increasing toymaking costs. In fact, the popular soft drink is purely the urine of sugar plum fairies, bottled and sold to an unsuspecting public. Due to a contractual loophole, the sugar plum fairies were also able to sell their tears to a rival soda company and their semen to yet another rival company. The rapid harvesting of fluid from sugar plum fairies is probably why they are now close to extinction.
[2] Moore’s poem had actually been commissioned and approved by Santa Claus, INC much like pretty much every depiction of Santa, aside from the movie “Santa versus the Martians”

A Brief History of Santa Claus Incorporated: Chapter 19

Previous Chapters:

Prologue

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

 

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

 

Chapter 19: The Wonderful Ms. Claus

 

“I want this place to be spotless,” Claus snapped at his housekeeper, Matilda as he scurried about his castle, making sure everything was in place. Matilda rolled her eyes and grumbled something obscene under her breath.[1]

Harry Christmas stood at the top of the stairs and watched Claus and his flurry of movement with a hint of curiosity.

“What’s going on Claus?” He asked

“My daughter Samantha is coming for a visit.”

“I didn’t know you had a daughter.”

“Yeah, I didn’t find out about her until she was 20 years old. She’s the daughter of a human woman I impregnated. I’ve been writing her for many years, but this is the first time she’s been to the North Pole.”

“How old is she?”

“40, I believe.”

“You don’t know for sure?”

“No…” There was a dainty knock at the door.

“Will you answer the door?” Claus hollered at Matilda, who mumbled something obscene and lumbered towards the door.

Matilda scowled at her employer and brusquely opened the door to reveal Samantha Claus, a slender woman with long jet-black hair, wintry blue eyes, smooth cheeks, a small button nose, and petite ears which came to a slight point. All of which made her look twenty years younger than she actually was[2].

Samantha stood in the doorway wearing a billowing yellow dress which formed an umbrella around her legs and squeezed her torso, causing her to have a stiff posture which seemed to match her stoic expression.

“Hello,” she said curtly, giving Matilda a slight curtsy[3]“My name is Samantha Claus. I am here to see my father Claus.”

Claus gleefully skipped over to the door, pushing Matilda out of the way.

“That will be all, thank you.” He said to Matilda, who went away mumbling something that was both obscene and anti-elvish.

“Thank you,” Samantha called out to Matilda, who gave her a small grin.

“Hello, my darling daughter,” Claus said gently as Samantha bent to his level and they hugged.

Harry watched Claus and his daughter from the top of the stairs with keen interest, He was now in his 60s but still looked like he was still in his twenties thanks to San’s Miraculous Anti-Aging Cream™ and had only a few fleeting romantic encounters since losing his virginity to the Evergreen Witch[4]

Harry tentatively approached the pair, puffing him his chest, sucking in his gut, and putting on a smile of false confidence.

“I am Harry Christmas.” He said, doing a half-hearted bow before taking Samantha’s hand and gently kissing it. “It is a pleasure to meet you, Samantha Claus.” Her gracious smile wavered slightly.

Claus stood with his own awkward smile, shooting Harry a suspicious look.

“Let me give you a tour.” He said to his daughter, starting to lead his father away. As they walked away Harry shot Claus a subtle, yet pleading glance.

With a hesitant sigh, Claus added, “Perhaps Harry can join us.”

“I would be delighted,” Harry said with a courteous smile and another bow.

Samantha smiled politely. “I would like that, but first I must tell you why I am here.”

Claus gave his daughter a puzzled look. “I thought you were here to visit me.”

“Yes, partly. But I am also here to ask for your blessing.”

“My blessing?”

“Yes, a wonderful man by the name of Ebenezer Scrooge, a rich banker, has proposed to me and I have come to get your approval to marry him,” Samantha said stiffly. Harry’s fake plastered smile slowly faded

“I don’t know why you need my approval.”

“It is customary in human culture for the potential bridegroom to ask the father of his future wife for her hand in marriage.”

“Then why hasn’t this Scrooge come to me himself?” Claus asked.

“He is very busy with his banking and since I have never visited you I thought I would ask you myself.”

“Why certainly, you can marry whoever you like.”

Samantha smiled, “Thank you father”

“When are you getting married?” Claus asked.

“In three months and I want you to be there.”

“Of course. In the meantime, you can stay up here and we can get to know each other.”

“I would like that,” Samantha said with a false grin.

Claus smiled brightly as he gestured for his daughter to follow him. Harry tried to sulk away, sensing his advances would not be returned, but Claus stopped him. “Aren’t you coming?” He asked, secretly enjoying torturing Harry, who he had not fully forgiven for his childhood mischief.

“Ok,” Harry acquiesced as he followed Claus and Samantha.

 

Three months past as Samantha grew accustomed to the North Pole and began to loosen up, transforming from the prim and proper lady who had arrived at the North Pole into a mirthful young woman.

She fit in almost everywhere.  She played games with the reindeer, learned to make toys from the elves, learned the art of belly-whopping from Frosty and Owen, and spend time cooking and baking with Maria Noel, who became a close friend and confidant.

Harry let go of his initial romantic interest in Samantha and settled for just being friends and soon they were the best of friends, spending a great amount of time together whenever she wasn’t with her father.

 

Eventually, the time came for Samantha’s departure and adorned in the icy gown Jack Frost had made her she apprehensively entered Maria Noel’s room.

“Goodbye Mrs. Noel,” Samantha said softly.

“Goodbye my dear,” Mrs. Noel replied soothingly, hugging Samantha tight.  Samantha smiled weakly as she returned the hug.

“What is the matter, my dear?” She asked

“Nothing,” Samantha lied.

“You can tell me,” Mrs. Noel assured her.

Samantha stared nervously at Mrs. Noel before finally blurting out, “I think I may be developing feelings for your son Harry.”

Mrs. Noel smiled comfortingly, “It’s ok.”

“But I am betrothed to another man,” Samantha protested

“In my experience, you can love more than one man.”

“But I can’t leave Ebenezer for Harry,” Samantha persisted

“You must do what your heart tells you,” Mrs. Noel replied wisely.

Samantha thought about this, saying nothing.

“Goodbye my dear, I hope you make the right choice.” Mrs. Noel said, a slight tinge of regret entering her voice and a slight tear trickling down her cheek.

“Goodbye Mrs. Noel,” Samantha said softly as she walked out the door on the way to the sleigh that would take her home.

 

A week later, Samantha stared into the loving eyes of Ebenezer Scrooge, a short, skinny man with wispy hair and a pitiful excuse for mutton chops, as he read his vows. Beside him was his best man, Jacob Marley, while her maid of honor Ebenezer’s younger sister Fanny, who was 7 months pregnant with her son Fred, stood next to her.

She smiled stiffly at Ebenezer, who was gushing poetically about his love for her, but it was only a distant hum as all she could think about was her time at the North Pole with Harry.

“I’m sorry, “she said softly and abruptly, interrupting Ebenezer as he compared her to a flower[5]. “I can’t do this.

Everyone in attendance, including Claus, watched in flabbergasted surprise as Samantha hiked up her dress and make a hasty exit from the altar, sprinting down the aisle. Claus followed her, smiling nervously and waving apologetically to everyone they passed.

“What are you doing?” He hissed between clenched teeth.

“I’m following my heart,” Samantha replied simply as she continued her retreat. “Take me back to the North Pole.”

Claus hesitated, but upon looking up at Samantha’s face and seeing his daughter’s pleading eyes, reluctantly nodded his head. Father and daughter retreated from the lavish wedding.

Ebenezer watched his bride leave, a look of shock and disappointment plastered on his face. [6]

 

 

     Footnotes
[1] It was a gnomish curse, so you wouldn’t understand it anyway.
[2] This was mostly due to her elven genetics
[3] It was the most respect she had ever gotten. She had once mistaken Claus bending down to tie his shoe with him bowing to her. It had been one of the best days of his life.
[4] One of them had been with Matilda who became pregnant with a child they gave up and never talked about again.
[5] I believe it was a daisy.
[6] Samantha’s rejection would send him on a path of self-destruction that was only stopped with the help of a visit from his dead friend Jacob Marley and three spirits. The three spirits were actually San, Ta, and Claus in disguise. They had agreed to help Ebenezer has a favor to Samantha. Of course, that is another story.

A Brief History of Santa Claus, Incorporated: Chapter 18

Previous Chapters:

Prologue

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18: The December Baby

On December 13, 1790, nine months, give or take, after Maria’s secret meeting with San she gave birth to a beautiful baby boy named Giorgio Noel III. It was a decidedly normal birth aside from the fact he was delivered in a makeshift igloo hospital by the Elf doctor Jangle[1]

Mr. and Mrs. Noel were overjoyed to welcome the new addition to their family as they both saw him as the saving grace for their marriage [2]

Equally excited about the birth was Kris Kringle, who rightly suspected the baby might be his based on the fact he had been sleeping with Maria around the time of the baby’s conception which happened to coincide with a major recall of unicorn skin condoms[3]

Rumors about the boy’s paternity were quick to make it around the North Pole, most likely begun by San, who was still possibly upset Maria had turned him down at the After Christmas Wrap Party almost a hundred years prior.

Giorgio Noel II, the boy’s namesake, was no fool and knew of the gossip circulating, but simply chose to ignore it. He did this not because of a fear of finding out the baby wasn’t his or because of his love of Maria, but simply because he didn’t particularly want the hassle of a divorce.[4]Giorgio eventually decided he didn’t give one flying fuck[5]about whether or not the baby was his and so became increasingly distant towards his son.

Maria, who had sworn to never end up like her Aunt, was slowly becoming her. The guilt over her affair with Kris, which she continued anyway, forced her to the bottle[6]and she became an almost unbearable drunk.[7]

 

His mother’s drunkenness, his dad’s distance, and the rumors about his parentage had a profound effect on Third, who began acting out at Elven school. First, he told the young elves there was no such thing as Santa Claus, it was just a way of oppressing them. Then he sprayed graffiti all over the school, and at the age of 13 he brought Nymph strippers to school and was promptly expelled. His worse act of defiance, however, was probably changing his name to Harry Christmas and starting a gang of elves called Santa’s Little Unhelpers, who were about as tough as you would think a gang of elves would be.

 

The newly-dubbed Harry soon became too much for his parents and the members of Santa Claus, INC and so he found himself in front an emergency meeting of the Santa Claus council.

Claus cleared his throat, bringing the meeting to order. “Third…” He began.

“My name is Harry,” Harry said defiantly.

Everyone in the room let out an exasperated sigh, except for Maria[8] who let out a sobbing gasp.

“Ok, Harry…” Claus began again reluctantly, “Because of your disruptive behavior and your general Grinch-like[9] attitude the Santa council has decided to take drastic measures. After a vote, we have decided you must leave this castle.”[10]

Harry said nothing just stormed off, his footsteps accompanied by Maria’s sobbing.

 

With nowhere to go Harry wandered the North Pole, looking for a place to stay. He tried the members of his gang, but after his exile, they all grew chicken and decided to drop out of the gang. He tried Winter’s ice cave but found Winter was subletting it to a family of Inuits. He even tried the reindeer village, but all they did was call him names and kick him off their property.

After exhausting all other options Harry wandered into the Evergreen Forest, which had shrunken considerably since Kris Kringle’s visit.

Kris had told him the tale of his time in the woods and the wonderful Master Woodsman who had helped him out, but no matter how hard he looked he could not find the Master Woodsman anywhere[11]

As he wandered the forest, growing cold and lonely, Harry heard soft footsteps behind him and quickly ducked behind a tree. He had heard stories of the Evergreen Bandits, a group of thieves dressed in red and green who robbed unwary trespassers in the Forest and were led by the great-grandson of Robin Hood, Tim Hood.

The footsteps grew closer, cracking the snow beneath them. Harry peeked out from the tree for a second and nearly fainted as the most beautiful woman he had ever seen[12]. walked by, carrying an armload of firewood,

She was dressed in all dark green, with a green cloak[13]hanging over her. She had fiery red hair, large breasts, a great spankable[14] ass that was complimented by form-fitting green tights, and dazzling green eyes. Her face lit up with a radiant smile and her alabaster skin glowed in the moonlight as she marched gracefully through the woods.

Harry stared longingly at the woman as she walked past him and his hiding place and once she was far enough away not to notice him he began stealthily following her, using the trees as cover.

The woman eventually came to a clearing where a small green and white cottage rested majestically between to large Evergreen trees. With a flourish of the woman’s hand, the door opened and she walked in. Harry nervously watched her, shivering with cold and nervousness as he tentatively approached.

He stood, hunched in the window looking in upon her, lighting a fire in her fireplace and removing her cloak, and boots. She sat on a wooden chair and watched the fire.

Harry didn’t know how long we stood in the window watching her, but it seemed like forever[15]

When he could bare the cold and curiosity no more Harry, who was almost overcome with frostbite, approached the door and rapped on it with what little strength he could muster.

As Harry was about the collapse in the doorway the door was opened and the woman stood in the threshold, looking even more beautiful with the fire backlighting her.

“Hello?” The woman said in a voice that was like honey entering Harry’s ears[16]

“Hello, ma’am. My name is Gi… Harry,” Harry stammered, barely able to stand. “And I was wondering if I may sit by your fire for just a brief moment as I am cold and have been wondering the woods all night looking for the Master Woodsman.”

The woman smiled at this, with a slight mischievousness which Harry failed to pick up on.

“Certainly. I am Evelyn and you may stay for as long as you would like.” She beamed brightly at Harry, who almost melted despite the extreme cold. She grabbed him by the arm and led him gingerly inside, sitting him in the chair by the fire.

“So what brings you to the Evergreen Forest?” Evelyn asked.

Harry opened his mouth to answer and before he could stop himself, began to tell Evelyn his life story[17]. Evelyn listened with interested, perking up slightly at the mention of Kris Kringle, but Harry was too entranced by her beauty to notice.

Hours past as Harry relayed his story to an attentive Evelyn and the forest began to grow bright with daylight. A ray of sunlight hit Harry’s face, causing him to pause for a second. He got up, feeling particularly warm

“Thanks for your hospitality, but I think I should be going,” He said politely, smiling weakly.

“You don’t have to leave so soon.” Evelyn crooned.

“I think I should,” Harry replied, moving further towards the door, but Evelyn blocked his way.

“Surely you could stay for breakfast?” Evelyn smiled.

“I don’t…”

Harry words were cut off by Evelyn’s lips enfolding his.

“I guess I could stay,” Harry managed to say when Evelyn allowed him to get some air, but just as quickly they were kissing again.

The next month past in a blur of sex, fairy dust, and elven whiskey for Harry and Evelyn as the days bled into each other.

It was all going well, until one morning when Harry woke up just slightly before Evelyn. He cracked open his eyes and turned over to stare at the radiant creature he had so lovingly ravished three times the night before.

What he saw nearly made his heart stop. Lying in bed next to him was a hideous creature with green pockmarked skin, a crooked hooked nose, horrible pimples all over her face, straw-like brown hair, and morning breath worse than a garbage-eating dragon who ate nothing but year-old used diapers.

Harry bolted out of bed, scrambling away from the horrible creature.

“Who are you?” he demanded, shakily.

The creature opened her bloodshot, red eyes and said, in a raspy putrid voice, “It’s me. Evelyn.”

“You’re not Evelyn.” Harry squeaked out in growing terror

The creature gave Harry a puzzled look before reaching over to her nightstand and picking up the small compact mirror on top of it. She held the mirror up and looked at her own reflection. She almost leaped in fright

“Shit, my glamour spell must have worn off. You want to have a little morning sex?” She asked as she smiled with rotten and decaying teeth. She snapped her fingers and adopted the guise of a completely naked Evelyn once again.  She salaciously approached Harry, grabbing him by the crotch.

Harry felt himself stiffen slightly, but pow picturing sex with the odious creature before him Harry retched, vomiting all over her bed.

“I guess not.” Evelyn cackled slightly.

“If you’ll excuse me, I think I forgot to feed the reindeer,” Harry said, trying to keep down the vomit roiling through his stomach.

Before The Evergreen Witch[18]could reply Harry had dashed out the door and was sprinting as fast as he legs would take him to Claus’ castle.

 

Harry burst through the door of the castle, startling Matilda as he flew up the stairs towards Claus’ office.

Claus, who had been enjoying his private reflection period, nearly fell out of his chair as Harry swept into the room, grabbing Claus pleadingly and looking at him with awestruck eyes.

“Please let me come back,” Harry begged, getting down on his knees and practically tearing off Claus’ sleeve with his vice grip.

Claus looked at Harry with surprise in confusion. “Have you learned your lesson?”

“Yes, god yes,” Harry cried out.

“Will you be good for goodness sake?”

“Yes,” Harry cried.

Claus thought for a second, mostly to torment the obviously traumatized Harry.

“Ok,” Claus relented.

“Thank you,” Harry cried hugging Claus tightly and letting a few manly tears escape his eye.

“You’re welcome,” Claus replied, gently patting Harry on the shoulder, confident that Harry had learned his lesson and wouldn’t be causing any more trouble.

 

Footnotes
[1] Jangle had left the Elf Army and enrolled in Elf Medical School which is much like your own but takes 50 more years.
[2] Mr. Noel even had divorce papers drawn up just before he found out about the baby, but promptly tossed them in the fireplace as soon as he heard the news.
[3] Kris constantly hinted at this fact by calling the child “son” and replying to anyone who asked him (mostly nosy elves he ran into at the market) if he had any children by saying, “None that I know of” and winking not-so-subtly.
[4] His lawyer had died a few days after the child’s birth and he didn’t want to hire a new one. Also, he didn’t want to part with half of the literal mountain of gold he had accumulated which he kept hidden in an underground cave and would occasionally climb it just for fun and then toboggan down it.
[5] Something he would give to one of Pixy Triplets at the After-Christmas Wrap Party the year after Third’s birth.
[6] Mostly of Elven Whiskey, which is particularly potent. In fact, only the magic in her veins prevented Maria from dying every time she drank it.
[7] It became so bad that she even crashed her sleigh on Christmas Eve after getting her reindeer drunk as well and all the other Santas had to stage an intervention and force her into rehab.
[8] Freshly back from rehab.
[9] A term coined after his grandfather Ulrich von Grinch.
[10] Only his own mother and Kris Kringle had voted for him to stay
[11] In fact the Master Woodsman had been put in a nursing home by his kids and the sleighs were now built and repaired by a machine.
[12] Which was not that hard as he hadn’t seen a whole lot of women aside from the Nymph strippers, who were quite honestly second rate as far as Nymph strippers are concerned.
[13] Much like Little Red Riding Hood’s except you know green instead of red. Actually, it was just the same cloak turned green.
[14] A word that sprang to Harry’s mind just that second.
[15] It was really just five minutes.
[16]  In a good, non-sticky way.
[17] The entire 17 years worth.
[18] As you should have guessed she was by now.